Masters Of Horror: The Damned Thing - 2/5

Directed by Tobe Hooper (if you don't know who this guy is by now you need a proper schooling - for those who need schooling he did "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Poltergeist" to name two)

A middle aged cop in a small Texas town (Flanery) with his own marital problems and significant amount of paranoia begins to witness the townsfolk do strange things. Like killing themselves in massive rage. After what happened to his family years prior, he begins to suspect that something is controlling everyone...some damned thing that is out to get him.

Tobe Hooper's career has, let's just admit it, tanked in recent years. The films he has been doing aren't bad by any means, but they are rarely good which is the same plague that riddles "The Damned Thing". It's an intriguing idea about this force from beyond our own understanding (that's somewhat linked to nature as hinted by the plot) who holds a massive grudge against people, but the episode seems content at focusing down on some boring cliche characters instead of giving the proper plot treatment. The casting is solid enough (with a special treat of Ted Raimi as a priest), but its writing is hit or miss at building the characters while the 'invisible beast' is far more interesting. This of course is somewhat ruined by the ending of the episode and its awful special effects before it somewhat redeems itself with a final twist. "The Damned Thing" is just an odd mixture of good and bad that makes the whole thing mediocre overall. It's got moments, but seems so cliche at times that its hard not to be bored with it.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Vampires: Los Muertos (2002) - 1/5

"Vampires" might have won its way into my heart with extensive violence and charm, its way ward sequel won its way into my ire with a cheap look, horrid cast, and a bare bones story. When its only redeeming qualities are that it is produced by John Carpenter and it stars Jon Bon Jovi (who will be referred to as Jon Jon The Bon Bon from this point on because I feel like it) then you know that you are getting the real deal when it comes to vampire franchises.

Derek Bliss (Jon Jon The Bon Bon) is a freelance vampire hunter in the southwest and his life has, to this point, been fairly lucrative. Now an unknown buyer wants him to put together a team of slayers to hunt down a rogue pack of vampires who are making their way across Mexico with unknown intent. With a trail of bodies left in the master's wake, Derek will have to rely on a rag tag group to help him stop the vampires before they uncover a secret that hasn't been revealed in like...four years...or something.

The connections to the first "Vampires" are loose including an awesome cop out scene where the priest from the first one ends up being dead in a graveyard and the general same plot of a monstrous vampire looking for the fabled Black Cross so that vampires can walk in the day. These loose connections do let the film do its own thing (which it really doesn't) while still making franchise fans happy they could continue on the story (which it doesn't) as it heads on a path of similar style. Unfortunately, the writing for "Los Muertos" is about as incompetent as can be. The plot is formulaic and forgettable, the characters cliche and often silly in their motivations, and the dialogue atrocious. With foundations like this to build on, you know you're in for a rocky film ride.

It doesn't get better from there. Wallace tries his best to work the severely low budget (are those sets?), but the made for TV special effects and the horrendously acted cast don't do it any favors. Didn't know that Jon Jon The Bon Bon was an actor? He still isn't. It must have been in his contract though to have people worse than he is to be in the supporting roles to make him look better. Our half-vamp female hero is simply awful to watch and she makes the underused and boring villain look like she's running acting circles around her. It's laughable more often than not.

Here's the low down: if you liked "Vampires" and have an itching to see what else that universe has to offer than catch "Los Muertos" on cable. Don't bother paying for it unless you are a glutton for the franchise like we are. It's not worth the "bite" on the wallet.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Executioners From Shaolin [Executioners Of Death] (1977) - 3/5

Although the film is significant as being one of the handful of kung fu films to feature the illustrious Pai Mei as a character in its ranks (most of you reading this will probably remember Pai Mei as The Bride's kung fu teacher in "Kill Bill Vol. 2"), "Executioners From Shaolin" is far from being one of the best that either the Shaw Brothers studio or Kar Lau Leung had to offer. It's a fascinating multi-generational revenge flick whose story stands out as a high point, but the film itself is so choppy and awkward getting there that it ruins the entire flow of the film.

When Pai Mei betrays the Shaolin temples and helps the Qing Dynasty begin to tear apart the order of trained martial artists, a handful of escaped students vow revenge against the bushy eyebrowed villain. Hong and his fellow Shaolin students begin to wander the landscape, originally as a troupe of actors/comedies, training for their day of vengeance. Hong meets up a Crane style trained kung fu expert Ying Chun and together they start a life of low key living and raise a son, Wending. Now father and son must combine their wits and decades of training to challenge the all powerful Pai Mei. 

There is a great and clear cut villain/hero relationship in this film that I appreciate. A brief appearance by Gordon Liu in the opening fight sequence adds a great start to this film too. It sets up the classic vengeance formula with a strong lead and a vicious villain (who has the ability to pull his private parts up into his body...that's a little odd, but whatever). Even the fight sequences are pretty impressive, it is directed by Kar Lau Leung, as we see the father grow stronger in his Tiger style over time and to see the combination style of the son in the many fights they have with one another as it builds to the final two fights against Pai Mei.

The fights and the main story though can't save the film from feeling a bit awkward when it comes down to how it goes about its storytelling. The film is massively choppy, leaping in time periods of odd structure to get from the beginning to the love story to the son to the ending in a strange chunking pattern. This doesn't allow a lot of time to get situated with each moment as the it rushes through the love story and the training sequences to fit it all in.

"Executioners From Shaolin" is a fun film and seeing the villainous Pai Mei is worth its cost to watch even if its a strangely developed film that suffers from its poor structure (and a very awkward ending moment). Fans of kung fu cinema should see it for its historical context more so than because its a good film. Definitely not one of my favorites, but fun nonetheless.

BONUS RANT: Seriously Dragon Dynasty fucked up with the box art for this film. Originally they misspelled the title (as in the picture above), they had a guy with a sword on the front (there is only one sequence of swordplay and its with a long blade), and on the back it has Pai Mei in a samurai like uniform (of which he never wears in the film). It's like they really wanted to trick those who don't know...

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Cowboys & Aliens (2011) - 2/5

Even though people consistently told me that I would dislike "Cowboys & Aliens", I wrote them off. I'll have low expectations going in. It's got some great talent. It will have its moments that will make one look over the faults. Whatever excuse one could think of came up to justify its existence. Unfortunately, no matter what excuses one can manifest to fight for this genre mix-up film the problem remains that it just doesn't work. Ironically, nothing in the film seems to work to its potential. When you have a big budget action film of this caliber miss target...its certain to be one hell of a miss.

Jake (Craig) must have had one crappy day. He wakes up in the middle of the desert beaten, bloody, and wearing a fancy metal bracelet with no memories of who he is, how he got there, or where he is going. After meandering his way into a small town, Jake discovers he's quite the outlaw and a cattle man with a vendetta (Ford) is ready to give him hell...that is until some alien spaceships decide to shake things up. Now these two hardened loners will have to join sides (along with bandits and some Native Americans) to retrieve some missing kin and give these rustling aliens a one-two punch they'll never forget.

The biggest problem that "Cowboys & Aliens" faces is its 'too many cooks in the kitchen' talent pool involved. A great cast, a surprisingly solid director in Favreau, a massive budget, and a concept that really hasn't been looked at since the underground film "Oblivion" all make this film a potential cult classic in the making. It all seems to...become an abrasive nature for the film. It loses focus on trying to get all the cliche things in and not enough on just letting it be what it is. A massive B-grade action film.

Despite an early start that plays up western motifs and gives Craig an odd modern Yule Brenner feel, the film decidedly tanks from there. It tries to throw in too many characters we're supposed to like (giving Craig some awful "aw shucks, that's charming" moments that goes against what we are initially fed) that the great cast can't save and then follows a mainstream formula while trying to hide it in massive special effects that are decent, but nothing we haven't seen before. It's as if the whole thing is watered down for mass consumption to the point where it doesn't feel filling at all.

Of course the film has its moments, its introduction to the character Jake is fun and gives a great anti-hero vibe and the action set pieces (while still very much run of the mill) are fun when not illogical in there placement.

"Cowboys & Aliens" suffers from an unfulfilled potential that crafts a sub-par action film who haphazardly throws about western and science fiction details. Perhaps fun to take it for what it is, but beyond that the film just meanders like the many western anti-heroes it tries to recreate - never finding its direction before dying a slow death from creative starvation.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Hostel: Part III (2011) - 1/5

Firstly, since I have no reviews up for the previous two, let it be known that even though the "Hostel" films have their charms I still think they are overrated. Didn't stop me from submitting myself to the direct to DVD third entry. A third entry without Eli Roth at the helm and a story that's a horror version of "That Hangover". Yeah, this one was a real good time, let me tell you.

Scott (Hallisay) is going to be taken out for his bachelor's party by best friend Carter (Pardue) to Vegas for a good time. He objects, but peer pressure obviously wins out even for adults. They head out to have a good time, but when one of the other friends goes missing the next morning they set out to find him. Only to find that the secret society "Elite Hunters" has established a group in Vegas...and bets are due.

Unfortunately, most of the problems that arise in "Hostel: Part III" are due to budget constraints and a script with poor execution. The film has a decidedly cheesy look to it and a script that heavily borrows from "The Hangover" in structure. It lacks a cohesive nature to it as it seemingly meanders through the motions to get to the one true twist in the film that seemingly works for about two seconds before dive bombing into ridiculousness again. Spiegel tries to work some magic with how he goes about things (the intro is a nice little homage to the first two in style), but in the end its simply watered down.

And speaking of being watered down, the essence of the original "Hostel" films were that they were modern Grindhouse flicks - with gratuitous nudity, gore, and asshole characters. This film only has asshole characters. It tries to sell off some of the gore and nudity by going halfway there (shots that only show glimpses of the silly torture sequences and plenty of hinted at nudity), but it simply feels like it halfasses the grindhouse effect of the previous films. Something that will be certain to piss off fans of the franchise. The worst torture this film can conjure is watching it.

"Hostel: Part III" is nothing more than a cash-in on a franchise that became a hit when it was probably better off in the underground. It has a few moments, the opening sequence for example, but it's ruined by poor character development, poor kills, and an ending that's incredibly cheesy and idiotic. A sequel that earns its direct to DVD merits of not even coming close to the first two in quality.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Legend Is Born: Ip Man, The (2010)

Director: Herman Yau
Notable Cast: To Yu-Hang, Yi Huang, Yuen Biao, Sammo Hung, Fan Siu-Wong, Rose Chan

Although it has no affiliation to the other two massively successful Ip Man films (which to this day are some of our two most read reviews), this prequel of sorts goes back to the beginning of Ip Man and his life of martial arts training before he became the teacher he was. Hence why it is called The Legend is Born: Ip Man. It doesn't have quite the charm or quality of the other two unaffiliated Ip Man films, but it certainly does stand on its own nicely with solid fight sequences and a film with a bit of heart set to the time period.

Growing up in a school of Wing Chun with his adopted brother, Ip Man (Dennis To) has adhered to the teachings all his life. He still craved more. After studying in Hong Kong and learning a variation of the Wing Chun style from an outcast man, he returns home to find himself slightly at odds with everyone except for the woman whose heart he stole. When a mysterious Japanese investor shows up and things start to go south, Ip Man might be the only one with the smarts and the skills to stop it before it rolls out of control.

Although its hard to take any film that deems itself 'based on a true story', The Legend Is Born: Ip Man does play off the historical elements nicely into the martial arts plot formula. It's got a great aesthetic to the picture with some solid enough costume and art designs. This is held together by a strong lead performance from To as Ip Man whose subtlety is a nice contrast to that of the main supporters. Even the fight choreography is strong with lots of great hand to hand combat sequences (although sometimes the settings need a more dramatic effect to spice it up) that blend some realistic fighting and over the top moments.

The film does suffer from feeling like two separate films. The first half is certainly a film that sticks to the growth of Ip Man as a person and setting up his training sequences while the last half ends up throwing a ton of cheesy evil Japanese characters and an odd 'whodunnit' political murder mystery that fails to play out to its full potential. It's kind of an odd shift that pushes out of the blue in the last half. Yes, it does give us a 'proper' villain for our hero to go against, but it ends up rushed with its characters and doesn't fulfill what it could have.

As is, The Legend Is Born: Ip Man is still a strong modern martial arts film. It has a great lead who holds his own (he's no Donnie Yen, but he gets it done) with solid martial arts choreography and the underlying love story is well played as a subplot. It is flawed in its structure and attempts at making itself more 'epic'. Still The Legend Is Born is a solid film and worth the watch - especially for fans of the other Ip Man films.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) - 3/5

After the repetitive if not mildly clever "Paranormal Activity 2", my excitement for the franchise was decidedly lessened. The original one was expertly executed and the fan in me wanted to see that return while adding something new to the "mythology" of the series. "Paranormal Activity 3" does give the series a new life by adding in a few new twists and turns that will have fans perking their ears even if it is rather hit or miss with its scares and thrills by a style running thin.

In 1988, a young family with two cute daughters Katie (Csengery) and Kristie (Brown) move into a new house with high aspirations. The boyfriend of the mother Dennis (Smith) is a video wiz with his VHS tapes and works at home cutting videos together. When strange happenings at the house begin to stir his curiosity, Dennis begins to record everything he can to decipher if the daughters 'imaginary' friend Toby is only a figment of their imagination.

As the series moves in the backwards direction (this one is a prequel to the previous prequel sequel), one has to hope that it plays enough interesting connections to the previous entries to keep us occupied. We know how it ends...right? That's what makes "Paranormal Activity 3" such a solid watch. You're not really sure how it will end. We basically know, but the way that the film plays out with its low energy writing and long builds it makes us question what we do know about the franchise. This is a trick that makes the film work so well as we try to remember what happens to this characters from hints in the previous entries.

So its a step up in writing quality, which is one of the reasons the repetitiveness of "2" was so daunting. Unfortunately, it still feels very formulaic in its presentation. Although the 1980s kick of VHS should make for some different takes on the film, it follows the same guidelines. Yes, the hauntings might differ slightly (with a definite highlight being a scary "Bloody Mary" sequence in the bathroom), but overall its mostly shit flying around like same old same old and it lacks some of the surprise it should have had.

To be honest, the franchise is still a lot of fun to see what they come up with next to make it different without changing too much to piss off the fans. This one takes it a bit farther than the previous sequel and it works in some very cool moments (the missing kitchen is quite the sequence) even if it still runs very much by the numbers. It's a fun entry, but still far from the revival that some claimed it to be. Curious to see where "Paranormal Activity 4" goes now that we've hit the 1980s...can't go much farther back than that!

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Cave In! (1979/83) - 1.5/5

Producer Irwin Allan gave the disaster film genre the blue-print it needed with his big budget, all star releases "The Poseidon Adventure" and "The Towering Inferno" in the early 70s. By the late 70s, Allen was still riding the disaster film craze that he helped create long after it puttered out by regurgitating the same ideas for television films with low budgets and second rate casts. Films like "Flood!" and "Fire!" were minor television successes with "Cave In!" being the third of the three that is the most forgotten as it was made in 1979 but not aired until 1983. This my friend, is NEVER a good sign.

The title says it all as a cave in traps a group of tourists and guides get trapped in a cave after a few collapses. In order to get out they have to predictably beat numerous obstacles including a madman with a pistol hell bent on getting out.

"Cave In!" is as predictable as television disaster films come. Cookie cutter characters, including a down-and-out cop (Leslie Nielsen), an overbearing father (Ray Milland in a tamer version of the sadistic character he portrayed in "The Attic") and two old flames who cross paths again. All these characters are given back story with dreadful flashback sequences complete with the film going out of focus before and after they kick in.

The overall look of the film is nothing better than a television episode at the time and the cave obstacles look no more dangerous than cheap funhouse gags. Rickety bridges, swimming under rock walls, and other dull threats.

This is strictly cheap, dull television material here with boring characters and predictable plot points. Everything you've seen in other disaster films is thrown in with only the stereotypical pregnant women missing from the mix. It's not surprising the televised release of this was postponed and it never got a VHS release. I picked this up used as part of Warner Brothers made-on-demand DVD-R program and it's hard to believe people would actually pay $20+ brand new for such a forgettable, blah film. Only for the most hardcore disaster film collectors.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Tucker & Dale Vs Evil (2010) - 3.5/5

Horror comedies are either really awesome or extensively crappy. Not a whole lot of middle ground included in this genre. Which is why my hesitation towards "Tucker & Dale Vs Evil" made its payoff even better than expected. An ironic take on the slasher genre, "Tucker & Dale" understands why slashers work, pokes fun at it, turns it on its head, and then runs like its own fire. A system that works with relative effectiveness to get the fun and comedy to blend with the gore and kills.

Tucker (Tudyk) and Dale (Labine) are two hillbilly best friends out to go fishing on their newly bought woodland property and shack. The random college students who are out to go camping down the lake shore from the vacation shack don't seem to trust them. In fact, these hyperactive college kids take them for serial killers when the two hillbillies rescue their friend (Bowden) from drowning. Now the kids are out to stop the inept hillbillies before they all get killed...

The twist that makes "Tucker & Dale" worth its weight really does carry throughout the film. Our cliche serial killer hillbillies are the heroes in a case of mistaken identity while our normally heroic teen heroes end up being the villains. Normally this kind of gimmick would invoke some serious eye rolling and scoffing, but the writing and performances contained in this horror/comedy sell it so insanely well that it never feels like the gimmick it really is.

The writing understands all of the hillbilly serial killer slasher elements and throws them into the film as well. So not only do we get the silly jokes about hillbilly best friends and ridiculously asinine college kids, but it gives us the horror elements needed for a slasher. Gratuitous gore, ridiculous kills, and an over the top villain. It does it in spades. We even get a cop with a board and nail jammed through his skull who walks for twenty yards (to an amazing quote about how he might walk it off) before dying. The film simply does it well.

Although the villain isn't quite as clever as it could have been considering how upfront it was on how it would be (when he gets half fried though - that's classic), "Tucker & Dale" stick to the slasher formula while using its clever writing and strong leads to sell the gimmick. It really does work too. It's fun with the kills and gore and fans of horror will get the jokes more so than those who aren't slasher fans. That's why it get's a solid Blood Brothers approval!

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Imprint - 4/5

Directed by Takashi Miike (known for a lot of cult shit, but specifically "Audition", "Ichi The Killer", and "One Missed Call".)

A wandering journalist (Drago) stumbles upon an island of courtesans in Japan while looking for the woman he swore to save and bring back to America. There he meets a disfigured prostitute who claims to know what happened to his lost love. The story she tells beginning with her own life is one of horror and betrayal...but how much of what she speaks of is the truth? What would she hide?

"Imprint" is one fucked up episode. It's fully understandable why it wasn't aired with the rest of the series. "Imprint" goes all out to shock and disgust with its tales of macabre, but at the hand of the brilliant director Miike - its a visual feast whose artistic value makes up for some of its intense shock factors. It's a odd bird as an episode as it jumps time periods and settings rapidly (even though it makes sense with the tell tale structure of the film) and invokes the oddities of an island of courtesans with some hit or miss performances that seem over the top, I'm looking at you Drago, but its strange ability to blend extreme moments of violence and terror with subtle dialogue shifts and atmosphere is makes its flaws seem like afterthoughts of misunderstanding. It's not an episode for the faint of heart as the torture sequence makes "Audition" look tame and its themes very controversial, but once one gets past all of that - the art of filmmaking shines through.


Written By Matt Reifschneider