Masters Of Horror: The Damned Thing - 2/5

Directed by Tobe Hooper (if you don't know who this guy is by now you need a proper schooling - for those who need schooling he did "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Poltergeist" to name two)

A middle aged cop in a small Texas town (Flanery) with his own marital problems and significant amount of paranoia begins to witness the townsfolk do strange things. Like killing themselves in massive rage. After what happened to his family years prior, he begins to suspect that something is controlling everyone...some damned thing that is out to get him.

Tobe Hooper's career has, let's just admit it, tanked in recent years. The films he has been doing aren't bad by any means, but they are rarely good which is the same plague that riddles "The Damned Thing". It's an intriguing idea about this force from beyond our own understanding (that's somewhat linked to nature as hinted by the plot) who holds a massive grudge against people, but the episode seems content at focusing down on some boring cliche characters instead of giving the proper plot treatment. The casting is solid enough (with a special treat of Ted Raimi as a priest), but its writing is hit or miss at building the characters while the 'invisible beast' is far more interesting. This of course is somewhat ruined by the ending of the episode and its awful special effects before it somewhat redeems itself with a final twist. "The Damned Thing" is just an odd mixture of good and bad that makes the whole thing mediocre overall. It's got moments, but seems so cliche at times that its hard not to be bored with it.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Imprint - 4/5

Directed by Takashi Miike (known for a lot of cult shit, but specifically "Audition", "Ichi The Killer", and "One Missed Call".)

A wandering journalist (Drago) stumbles upon an island of courtesans in Japan while looking for the woman he swore to save and bring back to America. There he meets a disfigured prostitute who claims to know what happened to his lost love. The story she tells beginning with her own life is one of horror and betrayal...but how much of what she speaks of is the truth? What would she hide?

"Imprint" is one fucked up episode. It's fully understandable why it wasn't aired with the rest of the series. "Imprint" goes all out to shock and disgust with its tales of macabre, but at the hand of the brilliant director Miike - its a visual feast whose artistic value makes up for some of its intense shock factors. It's a odd bird as an episode as it jumps time periods and settings rapidly (even though it makes sense with the tell tale structure of the film) and invokes the oddities of an island of courtesans with some hit or miss performances that seem over the top, I'm looking at you Drago, but its strange ability to blend extreme moments of violence and terror with subtle dialogue shifts and atmosphere is makes its flaws seem like afterthoughts of misunderstanding. It's not an episode for the faint of heart as the torture sequence makes "Audition" look tame and its themes very controversial, but once one gets past all of that - the art of filmmaking shines through.


Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Haeckel's Tale - 1.5/5

Directed By John McNaughton (who gave us "Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer" and randomly "Wild Things")

Late in the 19th Century, a man desperate to be reunited with his dead wife approaches a necromancer to solve his problems. She says she will do it as long as he listens to the tale of caution. A tale about Mr. Haeckel whom on his way to visit his sickly father stumbles upon a family who are plagued by zombies after dabbling with necromancy. Can the tale of Haeckel sway the young man?

This episode of "Masters Of Horror" had two things going for it. It's about zombies. It's based on a short story by Clive Barker. Neither save it from its awkward demise. The main issue of "Haeckel's Tale" is not its quality of special effects - which are impressive to say the least - nor is it the casting which is solid enough. It's simply the silly way that it goes about telling the tale. The tale within a tale structure makes the "twist" ending obvious about half way through. The way the story seems intent on wasting time with Haekel's medical mishaps and long winded skepticism of everything. Even when he finally gets to the house to discover the necromancy in action, it seems to love to spend way too much time in details that seemed irrelevant. This episode would have been much better had it trimmed the fact and focused down.

It has some moments here and there (particularly the special effects), but overall the script is just downright silly in all the worst ways. Logic never seems to rear its head in how the plot progresses and its obvious that McNaughton wanted to focus on elements that would pull in audience members (mainly boobs and zombies) rather than getting the deeper thoughts of the story across. At this time, this is easily my least favorite "Masters Of Horror" episode.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Pick Me Up - 3.5/5

Directed By Larry Cohen (known for "It's Alive" and the oh so very awesome and catchy "The Stuff")

A group of people find themselves stranded on some desolate forest road when their long distance bus decides to take a dump on them in-between towns. Although the situation isn't as dire as some of them make it out to be initially, when a truck driver picks a few of them up a new terror is kick started on the roads. Unknown to the serial killer trucker, that also happens to be another hitchhiking serial killer coming through the same area.

Larry Cohen's episode of the fan favorite "Masters Of Horror" is an odd clip in the bunch. More or less a comedy of very dark proportions, "Pick Me Up" is a tale of very awkward moments, odd characters, and a plot that has to race by to fit it all in...in more than a few hilarious ways. The story is rip-roaringly funny in how clever it is and the use of awkward characters. Both of our serial killers are played to serious lines of crazy with weird personalities and quips that by the time they meet in the final act, we are anxious to see how this cab ride will turn out. To this, "Pick Me Up" works.

Otherwise, the episode is flawed from its lack of a true protagonist (or anyone to really root for period) and it has to fly through some of the secondary characters: read as waiting cadavers; to get them all to fit into the short. It's lack of heroes and lighting pace are made up for some by the random scenes and the eventual climax we begin to pine for about half way through.

Although the episode is rather random and not as solidly built as one would hope, it's quite funny and the story is far more clever than it should have ever been. This episode would have worked better as a full length film though as it needed that extra half hour to establish a lead and work out the pacing. As is, it's entertaining as hell though.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Sick Girl - 4/5

Directed By Lucky McKee (known for "May")

Despite some reluctance towards self confidence, Ida (Bettis) decides to face the sketching girl in the hall and ask her out. She's afraid that her job as a 'bug scientist' and her pets at home will scare her off. Her new unknown specimen seems to be very aggressive, you know. Lucky for her, this new girlfriend is thrilled by the idea and soon they hit it off and are living together. When her girlfriend starts showing strange personality changes, Ida begins to suspect her new insect might have something to do with it.

Lucky McKee burst onto the scene with his dark, often humorous, and stellar "May" but has seemingly done little since then. Thusly, having an episode of "Masters Of Horror" is quite a treat and he does wonders with it. Often coming off as Cronenbergian with its parallel human psychology and its physical horror, "Sick Girl" is a demented and darkly funny episode that hits all the right spots when its on. It might be a little too over the top for its own good with its caricature like lead and oddly paced style for it to be perfect (in all honesty, most of this is due to its limited run time and would have been gloriously fleshed out in full length film I believe), but "Sick Girl" likes to pair its colors thick with special effects and clever dialogue. It has its tongue firmly planted in cheek for the most part and its this fun aspect of it that really balances the serious human de-evolution nicely. It's expertly executed on most fronts and one of my favorites from season one.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Deer Woman - 4/5

Director: John Landis (known for "An American Werewolf In London", "Blues Brothers", and (only for the strong willed) "Beverly Hills Cop III")

A struggling and sarcastic detective Faraday (Benben) finally finds himself an interesting case on 'Animal Attacks' duty. A body has shown up beaten into Spam by what appears to be hooves. Deer hooves. Although its ruled as a murder, since the clues make it look like a person did it too, he has to underhandedly find a way to solve the case. This leads him down a rather odd theory that the killer is the Native American myth 'The Deer Woman' who seduces men and tramples them to death with her deer legs. As the bodies pile up, Faraday has to quickly find a way to find her and then also find a way to kill her.

Although "Deer Woman" rarely feels to be a horror episode (sans some of its nudity and gore), this one is a fucking riot. Definitely ranks up there with some of the best in this first season, its ability to be oddly logical in its approach to story and insanely funny with loads of dark humor that just piles up is worth making it a watch. Landis did it with a bit more subtlety on "Werewolf In London", which is mentioned in this episode mind you, but the combination proves to be a worthy one still and he shows he still has it. The performances are hit or miss, our lead is charming and solid but his partner is TV cameo crap, but with its ridiculously fun story and rather well unraveled plot its hard to go wrong with this one.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Homecoming - 3/5

Directed By Joe Dante (known for "Piranha", "The Howling", and "Gremlins")

David Murch (Tenney) is one of America's best political spokespersons. When the President is up for re-election during a war that is widely unpopular, he makes a statement on air wishing that if the soldiers could come back and voice their opinions that he would. Suddenly these soldiers are coming back from the dead to vote in the election. Now Tenney is torn on how to the handle the situation by getting his President back in office without pissing off an entire army of the undead. It's going to be a rough election year.

Political satire films and horror aren't the best of bedfellows on an everyday basis. This is in part due to their inability to focus on what to be (is it horror, comedy, or a message film?) and many films fall apart at the attempts to navigate the genres (like "Zombies Of Mass Destruction" for example). Joe Dante's "Masters Of Horror" episode, "Homecoming" does a decent job at taking on the burden and doing it well. It's a fairly well crafted story about a zombie uprising based on political means and when it wants to can be pretty damn hilarious in its over the top approach to "politics". At times it does get a bit too cheesy (David's back story flashback is one such moment) and it does intend to smash your face with some political ideologies about war. Other than that, and of course its lack of actual Horror to the film, "Homecoming" strikes a fairly solid episode for the series. It's a fun watch, but compared to the true horror episodes that the series started off with it tends to fall just a bit short.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Chocolate - 1.5/5

Director: Mick Garris (known for "The Stand", maybe "Critters 2"?)

Jamie (Thomas) is a recently divorced man who suddenly finds himself psychically connected with some random woman. Told as a 'flashback' as Jamie is being interrogated by the police, he recounts how he finds himself experiencing things from this lady's perspective without her even knowing. This connection leads him to borderline stalking as he tries to help her when she commits a crime of passion.

Considering that Mick Garris helped create this damn series he sure does throw down a stinker of an episode. Granted, the idea of the story is solid with this random connection, but rarely does the episode feel like a "horror" tale. It seemingly rides the line for a Lifetime Movie special with a supernatural twist for the majority of its play time. With the low acting quality and its rather by the numbers approach to its directing, "Chocolate" becomes a lackluster made for TV film that just happens to incorporate F-bombs, some violence towards the end, and substantial nudity. "Chocolate" is by far one of the worst for the entire series with its hammy ending and shoddy build. If there is one that you skip, its probably this one.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Jenifer - 3.5/5

Director: Dario Argento (famous for "Suspiria")

A cop, Frank (Weber), finds himself in an odd situation when he stumbles upon a man threatening to kill a women with a clever in an abandoned area. After killing the man, he finds that the woman has a massively disfigured face (almost monstrous with its teeth and large completely black eyes) and is perhaps mentally challenged. He soon becomes obsessed with keeping her safe despite the face that she begins to start killing animals and people around him. Now Frank has to decide what's right: protecting this woman or turning her in.

Although Argento is a massive cult director in the horror genre with talent that oozes out of his visual attributes, "Jenifer" comes off as less than one could have hoped. The execution of the episode is top notch, with Argento's style highlighting it (including his use of creepy scoring) and some great acting to go on par with it. The story and plot is the odd part of this episode. Of course, in very Argento style, the episode can be very disturbing at times as it ably blends eroticism and violence using its nudity and sexual moments to be grotesque rather than a symbol of love. This makes the episode rather uncomfortable and memorable as it sets itself aside from the rest. Unfortunately, the plot is rather predictable and the character arcs too illogical to be as solid as it could have been. Too many questions left unanswered (for example, why the cut seems so relevant to her grip on the main character) and it just hinders the experience that this episode could have struck. This is a very good episode with its execution by on and off screen parties being very well crafted, but its foundation is a little rocky to be building on and it makes it rather hit or miss. Good, but not great.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Dance Of The Dead - 2.5/5

Director: Tobe Hooper (famous for "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (1974), "Poltergeist", and many more)

In a post apocalyptic future, a young woman desperately searches for her own salvation underneath memories of a war torn childhood and an oppressive mother. When a group of young punks come into their diner, she finds an odd connection with one of the young men. This leads her to go out into the city with them to a happenin' club. This club, lead by a very deranged man (Englund), has a stage show of corpses injected with a war chemical that makes them gyrate and reanimate. What she finds at the club though is more disturbing then she thought and uncovers secrets about her past that will forever change her future.

This is the first episode of "Masters Of Horror" that deviates from the status quo. Not true straight up horror, "Dance Of The Dead" comes off as more of a science fiction/fantasy with influences from classic films like "A Clockwork Orange" and "Blade Runner". It also never really feels like a full story. It's rather basic in its plot, with the twist coming out of left field a bit and wrapping up very quickly, and the majority of the time is spent on creating a setting of distopian feeling and panic. The acting is decent and the direction is done in a very modern Post-Punk vibe with blurs and shaky camera shots all over the place and these work for the most part, but by the end of the episode, it felt like something was missing. Like there needed to be a bigger meaning to it all, or a larger plot arc. That just undermines the entire episode too, making it feel rather empty. The execution is all there, but the odd foundational work needed more fleshing out. Good, but not near the quality of the previous entries.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams In The Witch House - 4/5

Directed By Stuart Gordon (famous for other H.P. Lovecraft film adaptions "Re-Animator" and "From Beyond".)

When Walter decides to live cheap whilst he goes to grad school, he had no idea that he would be facing much more horrid things than papers. The old house where he lives in the attic is where an ancient witch and her human faced rat have been slaughtering children for centuries. Now Walter has been chosen by the witch to carry on the sacrifices through his dreams. Now is the time for Walter to test his faith and will power against an ancient evil that wants the small child living down the hall.

It's not surprising that Stuart Gordon's episode from the first season of "Masters Of Horror" happens to be based on an H.P. Lovecraft tale. The man has become an expert at updating and making the poetic Horror writer fit the screen. He does him well once again. "Dreams In The Witch House" remains strikingly candid towards the original story that it was based on while updating it wonderfully to match the modern tone. Gordon's odd dark humor does have a hit or miss status to it (seeing the human faced rat does bring some giggles at times especially at first) but the film has some damn solid pacing and some pretty slick special effects. The series is on a role with its first two episodes being so damn solid as little short films and "Dreams In The Witch House" does add onto that with pure Gordon love.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Incident On And Off A Mountain Road - 4/5

Director: Don Coscarelli (famous for the "Phantasm" series)

When a young woman gets knocked off the road in a remote mountain area, she finds herself being stalked by a giant white skinned man/monster. Using some serious survival techniques shown to her by her semi-crazy survivalist obsessed husband, she attempts to survive the night only to find herself digging herself deeper and deeper into a nightmarish world where this monster seems to rule with an iron fist and odd ideas.

For the very first episode for the first season of "Masters Of Horror", we are treated to a very well paced and developed story that crosses a bit of slasher with a bit of atmospheric 'hellbilly' horror together. This episode actually works with crossing two stories, one being the young woman vs. the monster plot and the second being how she is able to survive according to rules that her husband has been dictating to her. The character interactions (wife and husband story) seems like it might be padding for the first 3/4 of the episode giving us a bit of backing and reasons to why she knows the things she does. What this story does is give the episode a nice twist at the end and give the show a bit of a crazy duel meaning. Some great acting, great special effects (sans a few odd blue screen moments), and solid atmosphere make for a fun watch. Coscarelli seems rather light on humor for this segment in his directing, but the appearance of Angus Scrimm as a crazy old coot trapped in the monster's cabin reminds us of his style. This episode is a great kick off to a killer show and gives us a taste of what to expect from the rest.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Masters Of Horror: Fair Haired Child - 4/5

Director: William Malone (famous for "Feardotcom", "House On Haunted Hill (1999)", and "Creature")

When a young girl, Tara, is kidnapped by a crazed couple. She is held hostage in the basement with no idea what they have taken her for or with any hope of escape. Befriending an odd boy named Johnny (who she discovers trying to kill himself), the two unlikely friends uncover a larger plan for the crazed couple to resurrect their dead boy using some black magic. With a mysterious creature hunting her down and her life on the line, Tara must come to terms with life, death, and guilt before she is able to go free.

"Fair Haired Child" might not be the most realistic episode of the first season of "Masters Of Horror", but be damned if it isn't one of the best. Although it seems ridiculously far fetched at times, its presentation in an almost modern HP Lovecraftian manner creates for some great suspense and an intriguing story that will have you guessing and bewildered to the very end (of where there is a bad ass twist to it that gave this rating at least half a star more). With some solid acting all around, with the MVP award going to the young boy playing Johnny, and a sick and twisted use of modern Horror directing from the rogue William Malone, "Fair Haired Child" is easily one of the best.

Written By Matt Reifschneider