Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans (1991) - 1/5

DEATHSTALKER IV: MATCH OF TITANS

"I could be so much more fun to you alive than dead, if you'd just untie these straps" - Deathstalker

After suffering through "Deathstalker III" with its non-entertainment value and the schmuck they turned the title character into, the one thing I wanted most in the world (of B-movies that is) was for the original Deathsatlker Rick Hill to return and portray the character he helped created in the lovable original B-movie romp. The B-movie gods must have listened as "Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans" showed the return of Hill in the title role. Holy fucking shit, that means this is the going to be the best "Deathstalker" sequel ever... right? Who would have guess that the overall product would be even worse than that sequel that calls itself "Deathstalker III: The Warriors from Hell".

The plot is essentially a tack-off of the original film (which rip-offed "Enter the Dragon") with an evil sorceress (a women this time!) holding a tournament for all the best fighters in the nation to attend. Of course Deathstalker must oblige to uphold his selfish duty of being the best fighter in the land. The sorceress has her own plans and uses the tournament as a means to kill all the fighters, turning them into stone warriors to do her own bidding.

Hey, I needed the money. And what the hell is behind me?!

The best part of this dismal, tired sequel is the return of Rick Hill as this guy embodies what Deathstalker should look and sound like. First of all, he looks like a barbarian, ala Conan, and not some frail Robin Hood figure like the guy in the last film. Hill knows what it takes to make a somewhat interesting anti-hero character in barbarian times. Hell the writers even throw in another likeable sidekick, played by Brett Baxter Clark whom B-movie lovers might recognize from all those bad Filipino shot Vietnam flicks from the late 80s (see my reviews for "Eye of the Eagle", "Delta Force Commando" and "Cobra Mission 2" to see more of his impressive filmography).

Stock footage alert!

The rest of the film is bottom of the barrel material. Not only is the plot is stolen from the first film, it is also padded with plenty of stock footage from that very film in order to make a standard running time. Despite the filmmakers attempt to change things around by making the villain a women, they fail by making her a completely forgettable character that is far too easily killed off. The love interest is bland and the production values are as low as they come (with the paint on the stone soldiers being the absolute worst). Also, what the hell is up with the lion headed warriors? Laughable beyond belief.

The make-up job on these stone warriors is impeccable!

I was praying for some good B-movie material here especially with the return of Rick Hill in the title role, but sadly what we get is a washed up sequel that proves the silly sword and sorcery franchise has gone on for too long. I hate to say it but "Deathstalker IV" is the worst entry in this brainless franchise, which is saying a lot considering how bad part III was. Stick with the first two films... at least those are entertaining, even if it's in the bad movie vain.

Written by Eric Reifschneider

Vampire Lovers, The (1970) - 3.5/5

THE VAMPIRE LOVERS

"The Vampire Lovers" marked a significant change going on in the mighty hammer horror factory in England. By 1970 horror films began to change, especially on the European front thanks in part to Paul Nashy and Jess Franco, and nudity became a key ingredient as horror films became more exploitative. Hammer followed suit of the competition by injecting skin and other exploitative elements into their pictures. Some view this as the downfall of the studio, while others find it to be the most interesting era of the company. For me, I'm torn, but there's no denying that "The Vampire Lovers" ended up being an entertaining exploitative romp from Hammer.

The plot is the first of a trilogy of films to revolve around the vampire Karnstein family (followed by "Lust for a Vampire" and "Twins of Evil"). One of the few surviving members (is 'surviving' the right term as clearly she's an undead bloodsucking freak) named Carmilla (Ingrid Pitt) starts to invade wealthy estate owners mansions by coercion and slowly starts to feed upon their nimble daughters.

The new exploitative elements, though tame by today's standards, were shocking back in 1970. This includes a sultry love scene between two lovely women and vampire bites, get this, on busty bosoms! Of course this was all heavily censored for the original U.S. theatrical release but thankfully has been restored on recent DVD releases.

The plot, based on novella Carmilla by Sheridan Le Fanu, is a slow burner, typical of Hammer horror pictures, but it's got just enough beheadings, sexy characters and bosoms to keep one's attention throughout. Veteran Hammer director Roy Ward Baker knows how to make an engrossing gothic Vampire chiller and he does just that and handles the new addition of exploitative elements with a sure hand.

New to the hammer family is Ingrid Pitt, a voluptuous Polish actress that has a figure to die for. She has a mesmerizing presence, being able to convey both evil and sexy at the same time with her husky voice. Not surprisingly she earned a cult following after this picture and it's a damn shame she only did a few Hammer films, and sadly she didn't return for the sequels. Hammer regular Peter Cushing also shows up as General von Spielsdorf but it's a very standard role for the loveable actor and nothing we haven't seen from him before.

Overall I liked "The Vampire Lovers" as the new approach with exploitative elements works thanks to being handled professionally by director Roy Ward Baker. For this I would much rather watch this than the works of exploitation extraordinaire Jess Franco as this has a sense of professionalism and looks great to boot. The new approach worked and "The Vampire Lovers" was a hit proving skin was the key and Hammer would include this ingredient in many of their films to come, not to mention the two sequels.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Mad Monkey Kung Fu (1979) - 2.5/5

Kar Lau Leung (or however the thousand ways you want to spell it) is hit or miss with some of his movies. The idea of a kung fu film based on Monkey Fist kung fu though was more than enough to garner my attention and when Dragon Dynasty finally pulled “Mad Monkey Kung Fu” out I simply had to see it. The results of this 1979 film are mixed.

After being framed for a crime while intoxicated Master Chan, a proficient Monkey Fist kung fu performer finds himself with crippled hands and his sister indebted to a conniving businessman. He earns his living performing a street show with his pet monkey, but when a down and out young man befriends him he begins to find his courage again to stand up against injustice.

Despite the trickery of its silly title, there is actually quite the drama buried in this film. A great lead character battles alcoholism, social shame, and being crippled while he finds renewed faith in training a young wayward man with potential. It almost sounds like an ABC Family original movie when you look at it that way! The acting is well done, the characters (at least the major ones) are well built and the writing is surprisingly strong with talk about monetary injustice and finding one’s place in the world. In many ways, this one separates itself from other Shaw films by having some legit writing to build itself on.

Believe it or not considering it’s the great Kar Lau Leung behind this film both onscreen and off, one of the weaker points of the film happen to be the fight sequences. Until the final throw down where teacher and student must team together the film mostly focuses on only using the choreography and fighting to further the plot. The training sequences are clever and well executed (did I mention it’s a Kar Lau Leung film?), but the general fighting can be a little weak until the final act which is somewhat disappointing considering how fun the Monkey Fist style is.

“Mad Monkey Kung Fu” might not be what was expected initially, but its solid story and characters sold the film beyond its rather gimmicky premise. Something that only one in a handful of Shaw Bros movies can say they accomplished. It makes for a rather intriguing watch and one that should impress most kung fu fanatics.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Deathstalker III: The Warriors from Hell (1988) - 1/5

DEATHSTAKER III:

THE WARRIORS FROM HELL 

 Aka "Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell"

I will admit, "Deathstalker" and "Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans" are huge guilty pleasures of mine and are among my all time favorite "bad movies" I have ever seen. Due to this I was eager to see how filmmakers were going to approach the third film in the series: would it be the unintentionally funny outcome of the original or the intentionally self aware spoof of the second? Well to my surprise it was neither, the outcome is just plain and simply BAD with little to no entertainment value. Damn...

The plot has the essential sword and sorcery genre elements which is 1. a princess and 2. an evil wizard. So the predictable plot we get is Deathstalker given half of a magical stone and thus has to rscue a princess from an evil wizard before he finds the other half and brings the whole kingdom straight to hell. Can Deathstalker get past his "warriors from hell" of the title? Does anyone care by this point?

The production values are the lowest possible including recycled music (from "Battle Beyond the Stars"), shit sets, shit costumes (including a guy's helmet that has metal bat wings), shit writing (including a rushed ending), shit editing and the worst fight choreography imaginable. I've seriously never seen worse sword fighting! The end fight sequence looks like it was shot with no rehearsing and the result is just embarrassing.

This is our new Deathstalker?

All these elements are to be expected from an ultra cheap Deathstalker film but where the filmmakers fail is to make it entertaining, even in the so-bad-its-good vain. They attempt to make a 'serious film' like the first film, doing away with the spoof elements of the second, but it just ends up lame and boring.

Must keep straight face.... need money

This being the third Deathstalker film this of course means our third actor to portray the title character. John Allen Nelson' approach is, not surprisingly, completely different than the two actors before him. Deathstalker in the original was an unlikeable brute that went around the countryside raping and taking what he wanted. Deathstalker in the second film was a smartass young guy with charm. Here he's just a forgettable cocky hero and easily the least interesting of all the actors that have played the notorious "Deathstalker" character.

This is our villian? Really?

The only aspect I can praise this film for is that it doesn't have ANY stock footage from the original "Deathstalker" played off as new scenes. Sure it has a few split second stock scenes, like a quick clip from "Deathstalker II" and a castle flash from "The Raven", but for the most part it's a completely new film. For that I give the filmmakers respect for they at least gave us a completely new picture, even though it still isn't worth watching.

Are those bat wings on the side of his helmet?

I was extremely disappointed by "Deasthstalker III" (or "Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell" as the title says in the opening credits). I was expecting a low budget fun time and ended up getting a grating film where everyone involved just seemed interested collecting a paycheck instead of making an entertaining B-movie. Ironically this was the only entry in the series to be featured on "Mystery Science Theater 3000" despite being the entry in the series the least entertaining to poke fun at. It is also the most obscure of the entire series and hardest to find on DVD. I had to buy an import from the Philippines... who knew I would be so disappointed after all that hard work trying to find it!

Written Eric Reifschneider

Bandit 7: Bandit's Silver Angel (1994) - 1.5/5

I finally did it! I finally plowed through all four lame made-for-TV "Smokey and the Bandit" sequels without blowing my brains out! That is a true feat my friend and it's amazing the crap one can fly through when stuck at home healing from a surgery, like I have with my jaw for the last couple of weeks.

Well this time Bandit (Brian Bloom, his fourth time around) makes friends with, get this, carnies! Well his carnival owner uncle passes away and some greedy jackasses want to take his carnival and profits. Well Bandit, thinking with his small head, decides to help the new beautiful Carnival owner (played by Traci Lords) by sneaking the carnival semis through treacherous back roads to get out of the county.

The filmmakers decide to spicy up the cast by casting controversial ex-porn actress Traci Lords but she further proves how worthless of an actress she is in roles that don't involve nudity and sexy outfits. Traci Lords as a.... carney? No thanks!

The plot, just like all the other made-for-TV sequels, just doesn't have enough material to pad it out to full length and I fell asleep once during it's running time. Sure the pain meds had a hand in it but boy was this painful at moments.

Universal Pictures experimental "action block" flopped for "Smokey and the Bandit" franchise as these four made-for-TV sequels failed to generate enough interest from viewers for it to 'bloom' into a syndicated television series, with Brian Bloom and his blue eyes fading into oblivion. These lame films also feel into oblivion only having VHS releases overseas until a DVD set entitled "Smokey and the Bandit: The 7-Movie Outlaw Collection" included all three theatrical and four TV-made films together in one set for the first time. I can only recommend these movies to the most curious film goers, like myself, as these four TV-made films are better off left undiscovered in my humble opinion.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

976-Evil II (1992) - 2/5

There was hardly enough material in the routine 'nerd gets revenge' horror flick "976-Evil" to warrant a sequel but low and behold one did arrive a few years after the fact, directed by none-other than go-to-sequel director Jim Wynorski. His name alone can give mixed emotions, ensuring the sequel will be so bad it's good (as with "Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans") or so bad it's just fucking bad ("Ghoulies IV"). Sadly this sequel dials in closer to the "Ghoulies IV" end of the Wynorski spectrum.

In this loosely connected sequel, a college Dean starts to take a demonic turn after dialing the notorious 'horrorscope' hotline. He uses his demonic powers to kill beautiful college girls and to astral project his body out of his jail cell to kill his enemies. In comes Patrick O'Bryan, whom you might remember from the first film but probably not (he was the biker cousin that saved the day). Can he protect the gorgeous daughter of the head of the police department before the Dean takes her straight to hell?

The whole production has Wynorski's trademark themes, including a large focus on scantly clad female flesh as opposed to plot. This would all be fine and dandy if he decided to take the film more into a light hearted comic approach but surprisingly he opts for seriousness, but there's still so much dumb shit going on to truly take this kitchen sink sequel seriously.

The dumbshit things that annoy me about this sequel include, but aren't limited to, a fridge throwing killer frozen dinners, an exploding toilet, a flying AK-47, a cheap 'evil' sounding phone ring tone and a main theme that's a bastardized creation of mixing the theme of "Total Recall" with western twang guitar. Our main beauty is even quick to trust a crusty biker about a supernatural phone line. I hit my head on more than one occasion from the lame shit going on in front of my face.

The overall look of the film is extremely cheap, as to be expected by a direct-to-video sequel directed by Jim Wyrnorski. The acting is also second rate as if the cast doesn't know what approach the director wants to take with the subject - tongue-in-cheek or serious. We do get Brigitte Nielsen in a throw-away role as an occult bookstore owner.

The only aspect I can praise this sequel for is impressive gore effects (including a body getting splattered by a semi) but overall this is a completely pointless follow-up to a film that was undeserving of a sequel. Wynorski seems lost on what approach he wants to take this entry in and the overall effect just another horror sequel to clutter up video store shelves.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

976-Evil (1988) - 2.5/5

The horror community was ecstatic back in 1988 when news that actor Robert Englund, Freddy Krueger himself, was going to make his directorial debut with a demonic little film entitled "976-Evil." Upon release it received only lukewarm opinions amongst fans. Looking back on the film today even I have a very lukewarm regards to this picture... not saying it's bad as there is still some fun horror elements to be had yet at the same time it's amazing how mediocre and downright routine it turned out considering the tremendous hype surrounding the picture.

The title refers to a horoscope, excuse me, horrorscope, hotline in which a nerdy high school student (Stephen Geoffreys) calls to gain demonic powers in order to extract revenge on his enemies. Can his tough, rebellious cousin (Patrick O'Bryan), his teacher and a reporter save the town before he takes it straight to hell?

The plot is typical "nerd gets revenge" tripe that is overdone in the horror genre. Been there hundreds of times before and much better. The writing is also haphazardly done as it seems confused on who it wants the protagonist to be throughout it's slow burning plot. First it's the tough cousin, then towards the end it flips as almost out of the blue our nerd's teacher shows up with a reporter. None of these characters are fleshed out and I could have cared less about any of the characters the film tries to pass off as it's protagonist.

Robert Englund's approach to the film is very much inspired by his experiences of playing Freddy Krueger in the "Nightmare on Elm Street" series. Everything from the look, lighting and special effects laden ending looks like it lifted straight from an "Elm Street" picture. Though not all the "Elm Street" pictures were good, one has to admit they all had an interesting look about them so Englund does succeed at giving the film visual flare.

In the cast the eccentric Stephen Geoffrey's stands out. Geoffreys gained some notoriety in the horror crowd with his portrayal of a character named Evil in the 1985 hit "Fright Night" and he steals the show making "976-Evil" more enjoyable then the final results should be. Cult actor Robert Picardo however is wasted as a character named Mark Dark, the brainchild of the "Horrorscope" hot line but nothing is ever revealed about his character or his demonic intentions.

I was tremendously underwhelmed by "976-Evil" , as it only strives enough to be a routine affair in the horror genre with just the right amount gore and violence to make it worth watching. Overall I felt it was an ego trip for Robert Englund, no doubt being at the height of his popularity and wanting to prove he had what it took to be a director. Well he must have gotten the "directing bug" out of his system as "976-Evil" would be his only directing gig to this day. Despite its methodical plot and final result, the film did inspire a sequel that would arrive a couple years later.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Doomsday (2008) - 2.5/5

Neil Marshall wowed us with his low-budget werewolf modern classic "Dog Soldiers" and scared us shitless with the brilliant "The Descent", but its his third film "Doomsday" that is his true homage to 80s genre film making. Unfortunately, its also a film that is littered with massive plot holes and a horrible flow to the film as it throws in barrels of references. It leaves this reviewer loving the film for its nostalgic factors, but feeling unfulfilled with it as a film on its own.

When a virus decimates much of Scotland, the authorities decide to quarantine the zone from the rest of the world. They build walls and leave the diseased in there to die. Years later its come to the attention of the authorities that many have survived in the dead zone and when an outbreak of the virus spreads beyond the quarantine they send in an elite squad of soliders lead by the ass kicking one eyed Sinclair (Mitra) to find a cure and get out alive before the whole world succumbs to this modern plague.

On a personal level, I fucking love "Doomsday". I grew up watching all of the films its homages including "Escape From New York", "Excalibur", "Road Warrior", and the zombie films its initially pulls from. So seeing the same style music, sets, characters, and even fonts shoots straight for the heart of this cult film fan. The gang fights, the crazy villains (including a stunningly fun performance from Conway as Sol), the intense road chases with high octane crashes, and the brutal medieval fighting all gear this film up with some stellar action set pieces that any action fan will love to watch. Punctuate this with a heroine that's a combination of Ellen Ripley and Snake Plissken of badassery than its simply hard not to love this film on many levels.

Despite having all of the details right, the overall vision for the film is significantly flawed. It just never blends and the flow for the film never gets going. The script is so plot hole ridden with odd moments and awkward transitions (here's looking at the entire medieval sequence and how little it makes sense in the overall spectrum of the film) that even all of its awesome elements couldn't over come it. It spirals down into cliche storytelling and leaps of logic that could never make sense even in the world of this film. It's these problems that ultimately pull it from a four point film to a two and a half one.

"Doomsday" will find its cult audience with time (and it somewhat already has), but those who look for more than just homages will succumb to its poor writing and awkward acts. For its homages though, its a must own and must see for cult fans. Here's to hoping that Marshall makes Sinclair a franchisable action star in the future despite the film's critical and financial failures.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Ghost Rider (2007) - 1/5

Marvel comics have provided us with some great superheroes. They have also provided us with some of the best antiheroes too. One of these great antiheroes happens to be the bad ass and hell raising Ghost Rider. He’s violent, fights demons and Satan, and generally kicks a lot of ass. The first film to feature the flaming-skull supernatural hero on the other hand does not. It’s wishy washy with it’s style, plays it safe when it comes to the demons and violence, and certainly sucks the life from such an awesome character.

Stunt motorcyclist Johnny Blaze (Cage) watched his father wither away from cancer when he was just a teen. To save his father from cancer, Blaze sold his soul to the devil. Unfortunately, he still has to watch his father die in a horrific crash. Now Johnny is on the run and years later is renowned ability to survive death has made him the best daredevil on the planet. Once again luck is not with him and when the devil’s son Blackheart wants to take over the world, Blaze must become the fabled Ghost Rider to defeat him.

Coming from the director of “Daredevil” (that should already tell you something of the quality that this film will have), “Ghost Rider” completely misses the edge and dark feelings needed to sell the character and story. The tone of the film is very tongue-in-cheek focusing down on the bright colors, comic book motifs, and caricatures of people rather than the darker tones that made the character so cool. This lacking balance of fun to the darkness dumps the general aura of the film down the drain.

To add to the dismal script and the overly complicated for its own good plot, this is one of the worst casted Marvel films. Cage fails to bring the depth of darkness to our hero without it coming off as silly and the supporting cast is abysmally done. Mendes seems to be on autopilot with her atrociously built romantic female lead and our villain Blackheart desperately tries to be menacing only to come across as laughable.

If the cast blows and the story blows, the action of the film better blow everything else out of the water. It doesn’t. Director Johnson places all of his attention at making things ‘look’ cool rather than actually setting up exciting and well choreographed action sequences. The fights between Ghost Rider and the elemental demons are idiotically simple and their execution with the numbingly over done CGI adds nothing to the plot nor does it entertain.

This is handedly one of the worst of Marvel Comics’ films and it ranks down there with “Electra”. It’s long winded and poorly built plot/characters fail to grab the viewer and its action sequences do less than that. It clings onto the idea that it might just be charming, but the only thing that charmed me was the ending credits and knowing that this awful movie experience was over.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Skin I Live In, The (2011)

Director:  Pedro Almodóvar 
Notable Cast: Antonio Banderas, Elna Anaya

I've seen my fair share of disturbing films. Hell, I would say its practically my job to watch modern distrubing films for Blood Brothers. Half the time I'm rather desensitized to them, which is why "The Skin I Live In" is so damn intriguing. It honestly dug straight into my skin and made it crawl at times. Being unfamiliar with director/writer Almodovar's other work certainly made for one hell of a drop into his style of filmmaking, but it was one that shimmered with a dream like beauty all the while as it masked horrific tendencies and diabolical melodramas.

Ledgard (Banderas) is a world renowned surgeon known for crafting some of the most beautiful people with nothing based on his own terrible life tragedy of losing his wife in a car accident. What his many admirers and fellow surgeons don't know is that he hides a secret. He keeps a woman locked in his house. A woman that he has a strange relationship with. A woman whose past holds just as many dark secrets as his. A woman looking for a way out...

Firstly, "The Skin I Live In" is a fucking beautiful looking film. Almodovar with a keen eye for detail and his great crew give the film a distinctly post-modern 1960s look all the while making present day. Starting off almost like a mad doctor film from old school Universal monster days, the film creates this almost fantastical aura with its often off the wall moments in the massive villa of beauty that hides its true identity. The color palates, costuming, and general artistic choices for the look of the film make this a stellar film to watch for its technical work. Something everyone can admire.

Just like our deceptive lead though, the beauty of the film boils over with its themes of betrayal, gender indifference, sexuality, and vengeance as we are privy to its time jumping plot progressions. As our curiosities are perked by the initial thread, when it unravels its becomes this ultimately disturbing look into the hands of people on the downward spiral of madness. Thrusting extreme moments of rape, fear, and hatred at the viewer to balance out its awkward moments of love that blend together to make the film so damn disturbing in how realistic it seems in this fantastical world.

That being said, its themes and artistic nuances can't save the film entirely. Often enough, the script does odd things to get those moments in there and stumbles through its somewhat awkwardly paced time jumps. Our tiger dressed antagonist in the first act seems almost too cartoonish for how dastardly he is (which I'm sure is the balance they were looking for - it just didn't quite work for me) and the odd details about Banderas' maid made for some soap opera-ish moments that seemed fairly out of left field. Along with its somewhat disorienting time jumps, "The Skin I Live In" has trouble getting the basic story out while navigating its artistic choices.

Still, "The Skin I Live In" packs a whollup of disturbing human intricacies and rides well on some stunning performances and a keen eye for the artistic. It's not perfect (and from what I read, its not Almodovar's best either), but it's enough of a hook to get one into it without sacrificing too much. "The Skin I Live In" is a trip that's enough to make one's skin crawl... and for that it was worth the watch.

Written By Matt Reifschneider