Patrick (1978)

PATRICK

Australia jumped on board the horror film bandwagon of the late 70’s and produced a slew of films to be distributed to drive-in theaters. Though most are forgotten a little film called “Patrick” was a modest hit and though a slow moving thriller, has enough scenes to make it memorable. Hell it worked on my mom as the ending was burned in her memory and thus she recommended it to me, her bastard horror film buff son.

We open with Patrick brutally murdering his mother and lover in a bathtub (these psychos always have mommy issues) which somehow puts him into a braindead coma. Now we get introduced to a young nurse accepting a job at a hospital specializing with coma patients and becomes found of our bug-eyed Patrick. The kicker is that Patrick isn’t braindead and becomes obsessed with our young nurse and uses his psychic abilities to harm and kill anyone he becomes jealous with.

His eyes... and his eyebrow!

It’s hard to make an exciting film where our antagonist is in a comatose state and never leaves a bed but the filmmakers do the best they can to liven the film up with some interesting kills. Still the film falls victim to its motionless killer and tends to drag a bit and overstays its welcome a hair. As for most of the victims director Richard Franklin does his best to make  most of them absolutely despicable. Seriously he loads this film up with cunts and assholes to help the audience cheer on Patrick to bury them all 6 feet under. If I lived in a world where everyone was this mean and cruel then I would just eat the end of a shotgun barrel and call it good.

Our loveable nurse

They fella they picked to play Patrick was perfect. This guy’s eyes will star deep into your soul and shit in your heart. For a character that doesn’t do much, Robert Thompson sure made him memorable. Hell his hilarious spitting and unibrow will make you cream your pants. But it’s his eyes…. HIS EYES that will burn their way into the bowels of your mind forever. I also loved our lead actress Susan Penhaligon , whom I had previously seen in the British horror film “House of Mortal Sin”. She’s just cute as a button and all the characters in the film tend to agree as both her ex-husband, a doctor and our title coma patient seem to stop at anything to get her.

Who couldn't love Patrick?

By today’s standards “Patrick” may be a little tame and the plot is rather slow moving. However the good acting and solid directing keeps the film trucking along and there are enough memorable scenes (including a jump scare ending) to make it worth watching. Audiences tended to agree and Patrick proved to be very successful in Europe, so much so that an unofficial Italian sequel titled “Patrick Still Lives” got made. That film has a completely interesting background all its own…

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Skyfall (2012)

Director: Sam Mendes
Notable Cast: Daniel Craig, Javier Bardem, Judi Dench, Ralph Fiennes, Naomie Harris, Ben Whishaw

The Bond franchise may have been reborn with Craig in the lead role and a stunner kick off in "Casino Royale", but the momentum was inherently killed by the significantly mediocre event that was "Quantum Of Solace." Fear not, oh those of a cynical nature, for I am here to lay those doubts to rest. Craig's third outing as the illustrious James Bond is one for the books. It's just as good as "Casino Royale" in its modern take of the universal character and his exploits, but this time it's not afraid to throwback to what made Bond such a franchise hero with some over the top elements and often quirky new spins on classic elements. In fact, it's hard for me not to throw out the "one of the best Bond films ever" remarks because the film does everything one expects from a Bond film to do and adds just enough character depth and new paths to keep it refreshing.

STORYLINE: When a hard drive goes missing containing all the names and pictures of NATO's undercover agents, MI6 comes under fire for the leak. Not only that but during the scrap to retrieve the stolen information, MI6's best operative James Bond (Craig) is shot and presumed dead. After three months of searching, the head of the secret service M (Dench) receives death threats and an attack on MI6 puts the entire organization under fire from the government. Bond, who has been enjoying his death living a simple life, returns to London to help out only to find he may have lost his touch and he is going against a foe (Bardem) who always seems one step ahead.

Shadows is a theme that runs through the film. I highly suggest looking for them.

PLOT 5/5: What I really enjoy about "Skyfall" is that it returns itself to a more classic Bond style structure for a film without losing some of the more in depth character work that was added for this modern era. We have Bond who must return to active duty torn down and stripped of his talents and then he immediately has to jump around the globe to uncover a viciously crazy villain. There is plenty of espionage as he panders his way through various settings (Turkey, Shanghai) all beautifully shot with an artistic eye from Mendes who never loses sight on what a Bond film should be. Even the action is much more efficient as it kicks off with a rooftop motorcycle chase that immediately sets a new standard and ends with a surprisingly effective Bond on the defense sequence that takes the franchise to some unseen territory. The characters are well drawn out and the pacing is lightning. For one of the longest Bond films on run time, it rarely felt that way.

BOND 5/5: Once again Craig simply owns as this new and deeper Bond. He still retains many of the elements that make the character so much fun to watch with quips, kick ass action, and charm oozing out of his ears, but "Skyfall" also keeps pushing the actual character. We get to see a unique perspective of the character through his closer interactions with M this time around and some unique growth for him as he retrains and interacts with some new faces to classic characters including a very clever and modern take on Q. Bond may not be quite as cold this time around, but that doesn't mean the depth and realism isn't there hiding under some of the more basic Bond elements. 

Bond knows how to drive EVERY vehicle. Including construction equipment.

VILLAIN 5/5: There is a lot of interesting twists to the villain of "Skyfall." Silva is expertly played by Bardem with an odd insane genius (think of a combination of the quirkiness of Zorin and the brutality of Alec from "GoldenEye") that really is brought to light by some fantastic dialogue/writing and acting performance. He delivers this creepy "rat monologue" as his first appearance with this long static shot and from there you know shit is going to hit the fan. He's well connected, powerful with money and computers, and completely bat shit off his rocker. It's a combination that Bardem uses fully to make Silva one of the most memorable and delightfully over the top villains for the franchise...who happens to operate off of an abandoned island town.

The last two rats.

BOND GIRL 4/5: The only reason that this really receives a lower score than five is because there really isn't one 'true' Bond girl in "Skyfall." The closest thing you have is the character Eve, who has some brilliant interactions with Bond, but comes and goes when it serves the plot at its best. A few other smaller roles pop in and out too (and underdeveloped if not intriguing thread for Silva's woman for example), but Eve is perhaps the best there is here and when she is on screen her presence is very strong and the chemistry she has with Bond is overflowing. Not only that, but her character has a great twist at the end that will have the crowd cheering.

To throw it down as it should be, "Skyfall" is a stunner of a Bond film. The first two-thirds of the film interject everything one would expect from this modernized franchise with beautiful locales, edge of your seat chases/action, and a villain that takes it to the next level. The last third throws in so much fan service in the little anniversary details (exploding pens are no more?!) to match its unique twist on the franchise that its hard not to be impressed by the balance. "Skyfall" is both the future and past of James Bond and its perfectly executed and written to make it all work. A must see.

BONUS PRAISE: Three words. M's red door.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Relentless III (1993)

RELENTLESS III

AKA "Relentless 3"

With both “Relentless” and “Dead On: Relentless II” being big rental market hits surprise surprise here comes “Relentless III” to further exploit the serial killer chases of detective Sam Dietz. Unlike the second film which rose above it’s ‘direct-to-video’ roots, “Relentless III” unremarkably displays these limitations by wearing the flaws of it’s low budget production on it’s sleeve for all to see.

People who actually remember the second film will recall that Detective Dietz gave up his high stress job in order to regain his family by taking less prolific career as a sheriff of a small town. You say Meg Foster wasn’t willing to return? No problem, just write her wife character out in order to get Dietz back to what he does best, catching serial killers. So Dietz fucks up his marriage… again… and decides to, what else, catch serial killers. This time he’s on the trail of a fucked up individual that seduces girls only to bury them. Predictably Dietz’s new girlfriend becomes the next target.

The plot has all the standard ‘catch-the-killer’ trappings. The difference is this time around there isn’t a director with a keen eye for style to liven the film up. When it comes to a filmmaking standpoint this as standard as it gets and makes one long for the days when cult director William Lustig handled the original film. The cast however makes keeps the film from succumbing to total TV movie of the week limitations, especially William Forsyth as our serial killer. It’s a damn shame they don’t do more with the character as for a psycho, he’s pretty forgettable. Rossi’s Dietz detective is a tad different, more burnt out and angry for most of the film making me miss the hint of loveable cockiness of the first two films.

“Relentless III” is about as basic as a sequel can get. The connect-the-dot plot adds nothing new to the mix and simplified directing makes the film far less visually stimulating than the films that came before. All this mixed with a well casted villain that the filmmakers do nothing with makes this entry easily skippable, unless of course you are a ‘die hard’ “Relentless” fan, and really how many of those exist? There must be more than I think as “Relentless IV: Ashes to Ashes” was soon to follow.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Warbus (1986)

WARBUS

AKA "War Bus"

After reviewing “Warbus II” I was eager to locate a copy of the original film to see how it compared. I despise viewing sequels without prior viewing of the original film as it gives me no basis to compare the two. Sadly being a fan of Euro cult films this happens quite often. Low and bold one day while rummaging through a bargain bin my eyes fell upon a 10 film set featuring trashy Vietnam war flicks from Italy and/or the Philippines and one of the films was “Warbus”. No matter how bad the transfer one can’t go wrong for $5 bucks for this trashy goodness and this trash smelled, and tasted, wonderful.

In Vietnam and group of civilians and a captured officer are traveling by school bus to get to safety when they are high jacked by some American Soldiers. The soldiers need to the bus to complete a mission and to get to an abandoned command post to contact authities and get rescued. The Vietcong get word of their transmission and are waiting for our rag tag group and a bloody and explosion filled brawl ensues.


No one messes with the kids riding this 'short bus'

Like expected the plot is null. Remember this is the time of “Rambo” so explosions and body count is all one needed to be an entertaining movie. “Warbus” delivers on this standpoint as I lost count how many bullets were fired. What “Warbus” lacks is a solid hero as our lead isn’t fit to carry Rambo’s ammo belt. This lack of a good hero makes the film fad from memory fast in the barrage of bullets and debris flying at the screen.

School security is getting a little out-of-hand

Compared to its sequel, “Warbus” makes a little more sense as at least this bus isn’t expected to survive firepower from tanks and helicopters. Still I can’t say that I enjoyed it more. They are both Euro trash wonders to behold and definitely two of the more watchable entries into the late 80s Macaroni Combat cycle. The VHS transfer in the “Mercs” set by VideoAsia is watchable but barely. The picture even drops out and rolls for about a minute straight. Still it’s better than paying high price for a beat-up ex-rental video tape and transferring it to DVD yourself. For a 10 film set that cost 5 bucks that means “Warbus” cost me a whole half dollar… and I definitely got my 50 cents worth.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Own "Warbus" with buying the set below

Dragon Tiger Gate (2006)

Director: Wilson Yip
Notable Cast: Donnie Yen, Nicholas Tse, Shawn Yue, Yuen Wah

"Dragon Tiger Gate" is a film that on paper looks to be one to blow other modern kung fu films out of the water. Director Wilson Yip ("Ip Man" series, "Flashpoint", "Killzone") taking one of his favorite actors Donnie Yen (same films as above) partnered with Nicholas Tse and gunning them into an over the top comic book based kung fu film? Can I get a resounding fuck yeah?! The problem: even "Dragon Tiger Gate" can't live up to its own potential. The resulting film certainly lives up to its over the top comic book reputation, but the damn thing comes off as rather incohesive and often too cliche with its story.

The triads have been getting a bit vicious towards each other lately. It's even starting to effect a small justice focused martial arts school called Dragon Tiger Gate and their students. When Tiger (Nicholas Tse) and some of his friends end up on the wrong side of one of these disputes, he finds that his long lost half brother Dragon (Donnie Yen) is the personal bodyguard of the triad leader. With the help of a wandering martial artist Turbo (Shawn Yue) and the wisdom of their father Mast Wong (Yuen Wah), they will have to team up for the first time in years to defeat a vicious criminal Shibumi (Yu Kang) before getting on with their lives.

Never has this many heroes had this much sweeping side bangs.

At first, I was loving the ridiculousness of the film. Just in the first 15 minutes or so, after a brief explanation of where we sit with the two brothers, the film gears straight into full on action. Both Nicholas Tse and Donnie Yen proceed to TEAR SHIT UP. It's non-stop as the two (and later on Shawn Yue) rampage through a slew of guards with high wire work, flying bodies, and generally kick so much ass that I was tired just watching it. With Donnie Yen's fight choreography, the film kicks off to an impressive start. I was even able to overlook the horrendous dubbing and ridiculous hair cuts. That's how awesome the first 15 to 20 minutes are.

Then the film takes a massive turn for the worse. I was initially hesitant about the films comic book like style and origins. And often those hesitations were justified as the film goes to some very cheesy fantasy elements in the latter half to create a more epic atmosphere. After the first series of fights, the film drags in the middle portion as we are given a lot of very cheesy and cliche family problems to contend with. Some ill fitting romantic subplots and the introduction to our villain which is half assed at best. The dubbing here ruins most any of the acting and the way that it plays out just kills any of the momentum established in the beginning. If it wasn't for some pretty sleek camera work from Wilson Yip and a strong artistic comic book look it would damn near be a tooth pulling experience here.

Bruce Lee never had to do a comic book movie.

By the time it started building up towards our team attack on the superhuman villain, I was ready for it to kick back to where it started. Unfortunately, it never really gets there. By this time, there is a hefty fantasy/superhero style to the film. Mystical healers, a mask wearing villain of superhuman strength, and an anime style build pulled me out. When the final fight comes around, I was disinterested in the results and the ridiculousness of the fight was more fantasy than martial arts. It just didn't get up there to that next level for me.

I definitely can see why people enjoy this film. It's fun, cheesy, and the combination of Tse, Yen, and Yip is one of such a volatile nature its hard not to enjoy on some sort of fanboy level. Overall the film is just so damn inconsistent in its story telling and writing that no level of charm from these three individuals could override it. Mostly for curious fans, but I highly suggest many of the later films from these three masters of the genre than this one.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Big fan of Donnie Yen? Perhaps of Wilson Yip? Then you should probably own this film no matter what. That's why you should click below and pick up a copy for yourself. Maybe it will grow on you. 

Iceman Cometh, The (1989)

Director: Clarence Fok
Notable Cast: Yuen Baio, Maggie Cheung, Yuen Wah

As of now, the late 80s and early 90s are somewhat of a missing era for kung fu films and Hong Kong action. While companies focus on newer material and classic material, this era becomes one that is heavily overlooked by distribution companies. Which is somewhat of a sad thing as films like "The Iceman Cometh" are genre classics that one has to settle for mediocre to shitty copies for viewing. This is how I was able to see this humorous action/fantasy myself... through a very sketchy copy that I was able to score on Netflix. Despite the fact that "Iceman Cometh" desperately needs a remastering, the film is a fun and quirky modern take on a classic kung fu style even if some of the humor is hit or miss.

Fang Shou Zheng (Yuen Biao) is a royal guard for the Ming Dynasty. When a fellow guard Feng San (Yuen Wah) goes on a rampage raping, killing, and trying to ignite a mystical device, Fang Shou Zheng sets out to stop him. Unfortunately, they are both frozen in a glacier mid battle. Fast forward to the 1980s where the two are being transported as artifacts and an accident melts them free. Now the rivalry will be brought to modern time as Fang Shou Zheng must rely on the help of a quirky prostitute (Maggie Cheung) to stop Feng San once and for all.

This is not an original concept. Awkward person out of their element but determined to make it work? Damn. I'm pretty sure "Encino Man" even used this not too long after this. So it's a concept that we've seen a ton of times. The difference between "Iceman Cometh" and those other films? This film has massive amounts of 80s style Hong Kong kung fu comedy tomfoolery. It's often quite silly, still beats with a heart of gold in its romantic subplot, and earns some solid points for its awesome stunt fights.

The humor can be slightly hit or miss. Like many of the action/kung fu films from China in the 80s it relies heavily on slapstick humor and some toilet humor to work. Most of it works in some pretty cliche ways (learning what modern technology is for example or learning how a toilet works), but occasionally it falls flat. The same goes with its romantic subplot. It tends to run a little by the numbers for me and rarely deviates from predictable.

Yet, these flaws are fairly minute within the whole that is "Iceman Cometh." The film really cakes on the charm with almost ferocious effect perfectly utilizing its cast where its need. Yuen Biao is delightfully charming and relatable as our loyal hero in a strange world, Maggie Cheung steals the film with her large character arc and quirky humor, and Yuen Wah eats up the screen with his conniving villain that would be fitting fighting Dudley Doright as much as Fang Shou Zheng. Partner this with some fantastic fight sequences (including a more than classic finale of high kicking high tops) and some oddball fantasy elements and "Iceman Cometh" earns a lot of merit just for being a damn fun time.

Although "Iceman Cometh" might have its flaws as a film (and a horrid US release), it easily overcomes those cliche story elements and off kilter humor to provide a fun and humorous action time. For that I give it the benefit of the doubt on many things. It might be goofy at times, but if you are willing to run with it then this film is a blast. Highly suggested.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

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Murder Princess (2007/2009)

Finally I was actually able to sit down and review an actual Horror themed anime series. Yay! Sadly this series was not as horror themed as I had initially thought. However, I saddled up and rode through this little ghost town and watched the series to completion. Only 6 episodes long or ovas long if you prefer, it was rather short. Not sure why either. (back to this later on ) Well enough about that now on to the review.

Story - In this series you have a kingdom under siege , a dying king, and a princess not quite strong enough to be the leader of her people. Mix in a rebel bounty hunter and her gang of not so merry men (think son of Frankenstein and a strange Tiki looking dude) as well as a crazy mad scientist as the redundant villain and you got yourself a half-assed story that leaves you wondering what could have been.

While sitting around the castle one day Princess Alita has to watch her father die from his war injuries. Not sure if her brother is still alive or not due to lack of communication from the front lines, she is forced to leave the castle before it is over taken, since she is the last of the bloodline. Within a matter of moments she is lost and alone running for her life from some giant monster that wants to eat her. As she is running through the forest she some how manages to run over the bounty hunter Falis, sending them both over a cliff to their doom or so we thought. Apparently when two souls are put into a traumatic situation they can switch bodies which is exactly what happens next. The absurdities mount as this story continues. Somehow the Princess convinces the bounty hunter who is now in the body of the Princess to go back to the castle with all her ass kicking skills and save the kingdom. She of course agrees and the adventure starts.

If action is your thing then this series has you covered. Lots of action, with some pretty awesome battle scenes. Not a whole lot of substance but with a title like "Murder Princess" what can one really expect. I struggled to take the series seriously as I do not the think it can be. With the plot and characters it is pretty much a bash em type anime. What I mean is that it is like the old fighting video games where you just push a bunch of buttons and you might win.

These two twins are a shining example of the kind of villains the Princess must try to stop. She also faces off against werewolves and sorcery. On one side you have potential for a really good story and then the other side is 'lets keep it simple and goofy'. I feel like the writer was not sure what direction to take this series. With that in mind I feel like we, the viewer, got short changed. This is such a short series that we are left with a lot of plot holes and ultimately it does wrap up the story in its own way.

Artwork- Nothing flashy or new. It is pretty standard for anime these days. I liked the colors used during the action scenes. I think the forest was done well with the intent to add a horror feel to the project.

Music - Soundtrack was very good. With a hard rock intro it really set the mood for the series. Fast paced and out of control.

Voice acting - Admittedly I watched the dubbed version, as I have become more and more interested in dubs. I feel like Funimation made some great choices with the roles. Other than the whiny annoying voices of the little robot children. I have nothing but praise in this area.

Overall- Turn off your logic, grab your favorite snack and sit back and watch the blood bath commence. While I do not think this is for everyone I do think if you like lots of action and violence then this is for you. Lots of blood shed, very little fan service, and not much of a story. Until next time , keep watching anime amigos!!

Written By John Price 

You know you want to watch "Murder Princess" now...so you might as well take that mouse there and click below to purchase it. Or perhaps purchase one of John's other suggested titles.

King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962)

KING KONG VS. GODZILLA

What seems an eon ago, my mother bought my brother and I a VHS copy of “King Kong vs. Godzilla” in a cheapy bin at a local chain store in order to keep us occupied and out of her hair for a night. She knew we loved the 1933 classic “King Kong” and even though we had not seen a “Godzilla” film what better way for kids to get introduced to the character then by seeing two of the mightiest giant monster’s go head-to-head on screen, and she was right, we loved every minute of it. Now finally after watching it again all these years later through adult eyes I can’t help but let the kid in me to go hog wild in seeing the world’s tallest fire breathing lizard drop-kick the world’s mightiest gorilla.

The plot is simple – pit two of the biggest movie monsters against one-another as this Japanese production takes the title character from the 1933 film “King Kong” and puts him in the boxing ring with the title character of the 1954 film “Godzilla”. Godzilla has broken free from his cold ice block and starts stomping on model houses on his way to Tokyo. In order to try to stop him as firepower doesn’t seem to work, the Japanese government decides to fight fire with fire and bring their own monster into the mix by kidnapping King Kong from his tropical island home. The result is a monster fan’s dream come true.

Kong get buzzed

“King Kong vs. Godzilla” marked a turning point for both monsters as it was the first time either one were in color. It was also due time for a comeback for Kong as it had been nearly 30 years since the hairy fella had graced the big screen in all his stop motion glory. It should be noted that though this is an entry into the “Godzilla” franchise, it is not a direct sequel to the “King Kong” series. Due to this there are MANY differences in the character. First is the Kong design is done with traditional Japanese suits and not stop motion and the result leaves A LOT to be desired. Seriously Kong’s face looks like it melted in that hot summer sun. Second is Kong is much taller and stronger than he was in the original film. Kong would have originally dwarfed to the size of Godzilla and he was easily killed with ordinary bullets. This wouldn’t have left much of a fight for Godzilla as that bastard is nearly invincible so the filmmakers decided to bump Kong up to the same size to make it a fair fight. Third is Kong is given the ridiculous ability to grow stronger with electricity. Even as a kid I thought it was a ridiculous ability but it’s a left over plot device from the original script idea with Godzilla facing off against a giant Frankenstein monster… seriously that is fucked up.

Two actors overshadowed by the title stars

The only version of the film I have seen is the American cut from Universal in which they added plenty new footage and stock music from such Universal library films as “The Wolf Man” and “Creature from the Black Lagoon”. This newly shot footage for the American version doesn’t jell great with the original Japanese footage and mostly consists of United Nation officials talking at the camera explaining what’s happening to the audience. This new footage is rather annoying and gets in the way of the mayhem going on in the film. The Japanese plot of the film is to be what expected for a Godzilla film with throw-away characters and odd humor, this time with the tone of the film being geared towards children as opposed to Adults like the first two Godzilla films.

A role in the hay for our two monsters

“King Kong vs. Godzilla” is exactly what you would expect it to be – a dumb yet fun romp of a monster film with guys in bad suits kicking each other’s ass while destroying model tanks and cities. The kid in me couldn’t help but have tons of fun with the film and everything from the bad dubbing to the unintentional laughter (Kong knocking himself out with a rock is my personal favorite) makes this a great monster movie experience. Though Godzilla would go on to make tons of more sequels Kong wouldn’t appear alongside him again. Kong would appear in another Japanese production a few years later called “King Kong Escapes” but confusingly it is not a sequel to this film despite similar tone.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Dark House (2010)

Director: Darin Scott
Notable Cast: Jeffrey Combs, Meghan Ory, Diane Salinger

After two years of sitting on my movie shelves, I felt it was high time to finally crack into Fangoria's FrightFest line up. I had only previously watched "Fragile," but I definitely felt the need to justify my acquisitions of this line up. So I started with the film starring Jeffrey Combs. I mean, the guy is a horror legend in his own right, so "Dark House" already had something going for it. The problem with this odd Halloween "haunted" house flick is that Jeffrey Combs is the only thing it has going for it and sans a few attempts at taking a new path with the genre - "Dark House" damn near fails at everything.

Claire (Ory) has been dealing with nightmares and reoccurring flashbacks from her childhood when she discovered the dead bodies of a slew of children at the hand of a crazed foster mother Miss Darrode (Salinger). When her acting group is offered a chance to perform just for short time as characters and guides in the old Darrode house, which has been converted into a high tech hologram infused haunted house for Halloween by eclectic businessman Walston (Combs), she decides to face her fears of the house. Unfortunately, the ghost of Miss Darrode still has a bone to pick with Claire and she now has a slew of killer holograms at her disposal.

"I'm sorry. Cliche and overused are staying here."

The concept of killer holograms being controlled by a ghost seems like the rejected plot of a "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode to me. And it definitely would have been rejected in this fashion. "Dark House" simply does nothing to really make this idea flow or work. On a concept level, its just plain silly to see things like an axe wielding clown stalking down a hallway or a gas spewing tub girl pop out of said appliance. It's an excuse to throw as many ridiculous things as possible into the script with little to no logic and it never feels clever like it was meant to. And then, to top it off, the story essentially ditches these minute efforts in favor of your basic ghost story for its finale and caps it with the easiest to see and most cliche twist known to man. I won't give it away here, but you already know it. Trust me.

Having Jeffrey Combs in a film doesn't make it good. It does mean that people like me will watch it though. It's a damn trick.

To match the sub par idea and script, the film throws in equally crappy execution to add to its dismal outlook. When I say that Combs is the only redeemable quality, I really do mean it. He saves this movie from a straight on one blood drop rating by eating scenes up relentlessly before his underwhelming demise. Other than that, it's just a run of the mill low budget horror film. Our lead in Ory is predictably irritable and surface level with her emotional roller coaster journey, the supporting cast is poorly built and performs worse, and director Darin Scott runs by the numbers through it all - never adding to the style for its lack in substance. Even with a slew of different ideas for "killer holograms" to knock off our victims with, most are uninspired deaths and the practical effects and CGI are mediocre at best.

Normally I'm willing to give a film the benefit of the doubt, but "Dark House" completely misses out on its concept and the execution is low bar at its best. The humor, the characters, the kills...all unoriginal and uninspired. There are plenty of unique takes on haunted house films and ones that are cliche but much better executed than "Dark House." I highly suggest one of those before this one.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Jeffrey Combs fan? Glutton for punishment? Feel free to click the link below to pick up your copy of "Dark House" for yourself.

Amityville Horror, The (2005)

Director: Andrew Douglas
Notable Cast: Ryan Reynolds, Melissa George, Chloe Grace Moretz

I have to admit that I'm with my brother when it comes to the original "Amityville Horror." Simply said, the damn this is often overrated for its own good. Not necessarily a bad or good film, but people's love for it seems overzealous. So when Michael Bay and company announced their intent to remake it, I wasn't all that heartbroken. In fact, it was a film that easily could use a new spin and a little more love when it comes to production values. The problem with this 2005 version of the classic "true" story is that it's not all that much better than the original one either. It has it's moments of stronger direction and cleaner (higher grade) horror, but it also tends to be a little underwhelming when it comes to depth and unique story arcs. "The Amityville Horror" just ends up being a solid film, instead of one to reach the legit heights that Bay's "Texas Chainsaw" remake saw.

The Lutz family is pieced together in many ways. Kathy (George) and her young kids have found solace in the loving arms of her new husband George (Reynolds) who plans to really take hold as a family man. That's why the couple decide to purchase their first house. A quaint place on the lake just outside of town. Turns out its a steal price wise too. Unfortunately, once they move in George begins acting strangely. He's more irritable and constantly seems on edge. And the more that Kathy looks into the history of the place, the more she begins to see similarities to the family that died their previously.

Ah yes, that new house smell. Or perhaps that's the smell of ghost blood. Whatever.

The first "Amityville" really did take the haunted house flick to interesting new levels. It has some classic sequences that have often been replicated and mocked. This remake at times does both, whilst adding on a more modern twist to make it unique. To some this is blasphemy, but as far as I'm concerned they needed to do both for this film to succeed in this day and age. And they did it whilst keeping it a 1970s period piece. So take it or leave it.

As for some of the new elements, you get some very modern ghost story things. Creepy things with extensive veiny make up, hands out of walls, and some fast editing of random things like blood spray, torture, and CGI monster men. In many ways, its these modern elements that add some flair to the already well worn story line. It also adds a lot of useless jump scares to the film that undermines some of the better subtle and atmospheric elements. The little girl Jodie seems to be a reoccurring ghost that has one great scare (with the babysitter in the closet), but seems significantly underused and irrelevant to the overall story. This is where "Amityville" simply tries to be too modern and often misses the target by throwing in too much useless back story and off topic scares.

"I told you we moved into a meth house!"

One thing that really does work for me is the atmosphere of the film. Director Douglas does some great things with angles and shadows in the film and he really works the cast to their best. Reynolds seems to be (mostly) in top shape here and Melissa George owns as Kathy with her struggles against her slowly decaying husband. Even the kids, sans Billy who just comes off as cheesy, are impressive enough. At times, I wish that Douglas and the producers would have put more faith in the film's atmosphere and acting (giving Reynolds' his blood shot eyes to show his influenced state was overkill instead of the modern jump scares to add to its horrors.

All in all, this is a pretty decent "Amityville" tale that handedly incorporates its concepts and scares in modern form. Honestly, I enjoy this version more than the campy original even with its many flaws and quirks. I know that's blasphemy for any horror fan to say, but I really don't believe this version is all that bad. Yeah, its overkill sometimes on its modern scares and some oddball choices that don't embrace its solid qualities, but it is still a rather cohesive and strong narrative and some surprisingly impressive acting. I just might be the black sheep here, but I don't think this remake is all that bad.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Do you agree with my final analysis? Perhaps you simply just need to see this remake for yourself. Well click the links below to score yourself a copy of "The Amityville Horror."