Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter - 3.5/5

The early 70's was a rocky time for Hammer studios. A new breed of horror film with the likes of The Exorcist and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre made the companies output seem as old as the periods they take place in. Fans were expecting contemporary horror with added violence and graphic visuals and Hammer just didn't have a nitch in this market. Not surprisingly Captain Kronos tanked at the box office and this is just a damn shame as Captain Kronos is one of Hammer's most overlooked gems in their large catalog.

Like the title says, Captain Kronos is a vampire hunter. He and his humble sidekick roam the British countryside slaying vampires wherever they might come up. Young girls in a small village are coming under attack by a hooded figure who drains them of their youth. Kronos and his sidekick track down the original to an ancient family that has ties to the dreaded Karnstein family. Hammer aficionados will recognize that name as that is the family name in the Karnstein trilogy (which includes the films The Vampire Lovers, Lust for a Vampire, and Twins of Evil) so if you want to get technical Captain Kronos could be considered a spin-off from that interesting trilogy. I love little connections like that in films and I thank the filmmakers for writing that in.

The film, typical with hammer productions, has a beautiful look to it with nice direction, wonderful costume design, and solid acting. A kickass score just tops it off. Sadly there are a few flaws which keep this from becoming one of Hammer's all time great films. Captain Kronos for the most part is a rather poorly developed character. Not much is know of him other than some quick dialogue about how he returned back from the war only to have his sister attack and bite him as she was turned into a vampire (anyone else thinks this sounds familiar to Blade?). I wish his character was a little more fleshed out. Along his journey Kronos picks up a gypsy girl and she really has no plot relevance other than eye candy. Our Karnstein family here is also not as threatening as I would have liked them to be. The family is just wishy washy and I never felt that Kronos was in real danger. I also found it to be in poor taste to have Kronos's side kick to be a hunchback. Really? How much more cliché can we get guys? Why not call him Igor for Christ sake!

Despite its flaws Captain Kronos comes out being a highly entertaining Hammer film and it just saddens me that none of the planned sequels ever got made. Perhaps some of the sequels would have delved more into the back story of the character. We might have even got a team-up with Hammer's other grand vampire slayer Van Helsing. Hey, a Hammer fan can dream can't he?! The film has an ever growing cult audience and I highly recommend fans of this old fashioned-type of horror to seek it out.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Brain, The (1988) - 2/5

Watching Syngenor got me in the mood to view more crazy antics of David Gale so I decided to pop in another forgotten horror film with the Canadian produced film The Brain. How could a film about a giant killer brain with sharp teeth not be a little entertaining? The original video box art to the film also scared the shit out of me when I was a kid and the picture on the back with a pair of bloody legs emerging from our evil brain's sharp tooth filled mouth burned its way into my memory and I have never forgotten it.

The film has David Gale as an evil psychologist who has somehow come into possession of an alien brain. The brain has some amazing psychic abilities so he uses the brain to "scan" or "control" people through their television sets. We have a juvenile delinquent who uncovers the evil plot so he and his girlfriend set out to stop David Gale. The only thing standing in their way is our gigantic brain which is hungry for human flesh!

This is a really bizarre film and it's plot never really gels together. The special effects are the highlight of as we get a lot of trippy sequences involving tentacles and the looks of the Brain itself is downright scary. Sadly the budget hinders the Brain when it grows to gigantic size at the end and it is obviously chasing our protagonists while being pushed on a cart. Other than that it's face is something to haunt nightmares!

The acting is acceptable but like I expected David Gale steals the show as he hams up the role perfectly. He knows a film about a giant killer brain with psychic abilities can't be taken seriously so he adds a lot of over-the-top antics to the character. There is even a nice headless nod to his Re-Animator role.

Though the plot never really gathers full steam, the film still manages to entertain as much as a trashy 80's film about a giant carnivorous brain with psychic abilities can. Fans of bizarre horror cinema and forgotten 80's horror are recommended to hunt this film down. Sadly Lionsgate has not released a DVD in the United States yet so fans are still forced to view their wore out VHS copies. I originally sold my VHS years ago and like many other of reviews have stated I am still kicking myself for that. Also like I've stated in other reviews for rare films like this, I have to give a big thank you to my friend Bill who again scored me a copy so I could re-view the film. THANKS BILL!

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Creature (1985) - 2/5

Inseminoid proved to me that the British didn't know what it took to make an entertaining trashy rip-off of Alien so I decided to go back over the ocean to view a home grown Alien rip-off in the form of Creature. Out of all the rip-offs that I have seen, Creature takes the cake as being the most complete rip-off copying everything from the strong female lead to the actual creature design.

Here we have an American crew landing on a remote planet (another remote planet, go figure!) to investigate a landing of a rival German spacecraft which they have lost contact with. When boarding they find the whole crew has been obliterated by an alien creature that they unwittingly released from some other alien species "pet collection". The alien of course makes its way on board the American vessel and starts killing and controlling various crew members by placing parasites on their head. If you have seen Alien, then you can connect the dots on the rest of the film.

Despite being a complete rip-off of Alien, I actually had a lot of fun with Creature which was refreshing compared Inseminoid which I had just viewed. Director William Malone loads the film up with some good shots, nice darkly lite ships, a cool new wave 80's style and an abundance of gore! Gorehounds should be extremely pleased!

The cast is also good for this type of trash film. Wendy Schaal is our strong female lead which is no doubt a take on Alien's Riply character. Schaal is a major babe and makes for some nice eye candy to go along with the gore. We also get cult actor Klaus Kinski as the head of the German space ship. He is a good actor and it just brings a smile to my face whenever he appeared in these low budget genre films. Yes he is a little old to be casted as an astronaut but his presence brings the film up in quality.

Out of all the trashy Alien rip-offs I have seen, for my money Creature is the second best only after the schlocky classic Galaxy of Terror. It's got a great cast and gory effects to make this an entertaining trashy cash-in. Sadly out of all our major players in the Alien rip-off category, Creature is the only film not to receive a high quality DVD release. Even the shitty Star Crystal got widescreen treatment and Creature only gets a cruddy "public domain" release from Diamond Entertainment. My old Media Entertainment release on VHS has better quality than this crap DVD. Creature deserves for some cult DVD company to pick up and release in a high quality release. Look at the sales figures for Shout Factory's releases of Galaxy of Terror and Forbidden World. Yes there are fans of these B-movies and Creature deserves to be re-discovered by trash fanatics.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Inseminoid [Horror Planet] - 1/5

Roger Corman jumped on the Alien band-wagon and so did the Italians. So naturally it's the Brits turn to make their own chapter in the trashy Alien rip-off subgenre! Roger Corman's efforts, though bad, were at least trashy fun. Unlike those previous films mentioned, Inseminoid makes one fatal mistake.... it's not trashy fun and thus is just a insipid copy cat.

Our film has a British space station on a remote planet and with the crew exploring some ancient caverns. An explosion occurs injuring some crew members. While recovering one of crew members goes nuts and runs out into the caverns with some people on his tail to stop him. While in the caves one of our women astronauts gets raped by an alien creature (in very bizarre sequence). While pregnant with some monster babies, she starts going insane and killing off the crew one by one.

Though it sounds like it could be a schlocky good time, it sadly isn't. The director and cast take this lame film seriously and the production values are laughable (I love the how the train in the cavern looks more like a children's ride!). Director Norman J. Warren loads the film with some blood and gore but it doesn't counterbalance the rest of the badness. The whole film is just boring and uninteresting with forgettable characters and a director going through the motions to get a paycheck.

Inseminoid was also released in the United States as Horror Planet but no matter what title you call it, it doesn't hide the fact that it's complete crap. It may not be the worst Alien rip-off ever made but it's definitely lower tear rip-off material. It's a damn shame as the director made a few interesting little horror films in the 70's with Satan's Slave and Terror but he didn't bring that visual flare to Inseminoid. It's just another forgettable film that will guarantee to disappoint fans of even trashy rip-off material.

Bonus Rant: Not that I like Alien rape sequences or anything, but why the hell is the alien's private part a "glass tube". I highly doubt any lifeform in the universe has body parts made out of GLASS. The short scene could have easily been left out.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Syngenor - 2/5

For some damn reason the VHS cover artwork to Syngenor stuck in my mind since my childhood. I'm not sure why though as the VHS artwork isn't that great but for some reason it stuck. That and for the fact this B-monster film stars "Re-animator" star David Gale got me to buy it at a cheap price. After viewing the film and listening to the DVD commentary I was surprised to learn it is actually a sequel to a low budget film made 9 years prior titled Scared to Death. Nowhere on the box art will you find information that this is a follow-up no doubt because the DVD distributors didn't want to connect this film to an ultra low budget film made years before that not many people have seen. The makers of the movie even had this mentality as there is no reference to the events of the first film and no characters or direct plot carry over other than the beastly Syngenor itself.

Our film opens with some high class jackasses taking some high priced prostitutes to a "high tech" lab to show them some Syngenors only to have them meet bloody demises. It seems that our greedy corporation is into military weapons and their new weapon is a genetically made monster called a "Syngenor", and in case you didn't see the first film that stands for SYNthesized GENetic ORganism. These monsters were designed for desert combat and get their fluid intake by drinking the spinal fluid of their victims. Our greedy corporation (headed by the late great David Gale!) sends out a Syngenor to kill the genetic scientist that created them as he quit the company. The Syngenor succeeds but the scientist's daughter becomes a witness so she and a reporter (they always seem to team up with reporters in these type of films) join together to take the corporation down, that is if they can beat an army of Syngenors first!

Syngenor can be fun at times for a low budget monster romp but it's budget really hinders the scope of the film. The Syngenor suits look good but they don't have quite the scary image they had in the first film Scared to Death. Perhaps it's due to the fact director George Elanjian Jr. decides to film them in well lit areas as opposed to keeping them darkly lit like original director William Malone. The high tech lab where the Syngenors are kept is obviously a kitchen of a hotel with white sheets covering up all the kitchen equipment. Still with such a low budget the filmmakers seem to have done a credible job.

The acting is off kilter as some of the actors take this hokey material seriously and others ham it up. David Gale shines in this film and he had his tongue firmly in his cheek with his performance. His character starts out subtle but by the end he was a stark raging mad! I had a ball with his performance and it really added to the fun nature of the film. My favorite part of his performance is towards the end when he goes over the deep end and our protagonists find him wearing a bunny mask backwards on his head. Fuckin' great!

Though a sequel this film can easily be viewed on its own. I saw Syngenor first and never thought it was a sequel until I did a little research. After viewing the first film Scared to Death I can honestly say that Syngenor is a little better thanks to a higher budget and a little more fleshed out plot. The first film tried very hard to be scary (and failed) whereas Syngenor has more of a sense of fun to it. Fans of B-monster films are encouraged to at least give Syngenor a rent.

Bonus Rant (Spoiler): I found it odd that the plot device used to kill the Syngenor creatures is water. Water literally makes them explode. However this is a continuity error compared to the first film. The Syngenor in the original film took refuge in a sewer so it couldn't have been killed by water. I can't be too picky as Syngenor, though a sequel, actually acts more like a totally separate film which just happens to include Syngenors so I can't expect great continuity.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Galaxy Of Terror - 2.5/5

When it comes to trashy Alien rip-offs, there is one film that is the leader of the pack. That film is Roger Corman's seemingly lost classic Galaxy of Terror. Though absolutely "inspired" by Alien, Galaxy of Terror however isn't a complete rip-off like other films in the notorious subgenre like Creature, Forbidden World and Inseminoid. Sure there are some monsters lurking in the dark after our astronauts but there is plenty of psychological horror in addition to the basic stalking monster moments. The best way I can compare it is Alien meets Event Horizon... just trashier.

Our film opens like a complete Alien rip-off with a crew landing on a remote planet to investigate a cash landing. While there they discover an ancient pyramid where each crew member comes face to face with various monsters and die horrible, bloody deaths.

What I liked about this ultra cheap sci fi horror is the addition of the psychological horror aspect. It seems the Pyramid brings the crew members deepest darkest fears to life. This aspect itself makes this film a severed arm above the rest in the notorious "Alien" knock-off subgenre. The film is also full of amazing, practical special effects. Everything from matte paintings, creature effects to visual effects are all tops and brings out a real nostalgia feeling from this reviewer as I grew up with effects of this nature. I'm sorry but computer generated effects will never top practical effects in my book! The colorful cast of actors also makes this film a fun romp to watch. Where else can you see Edward Albert, Sid Haig, pre-Freddy Robert Englund, and Ray Walston in the same movie! Guaranteed nowhere else in the galaxy!

Even with all the praise the film succumbs to many B-movie flaws that seem to always plague Roger Corman productions. The first is the AWFUL dialogue. Sid Haig admitted the dialogue was so dreadful that he convinced to Roger allow his character to be mute. Still his crystal throwing badass was still required to say the laugh educing line "I live and die... FOR THE CRYSTALS!!!" That line gets me every time! The film also gets a little overly complicated and self-important towards the end and it becomes unintentionally funny with all its metaphysical mumbo jumbo.

People who have seen this film before are no doubt going "when are going to talk about the maggot rape!" Yes Galaxy of Terror has a grisly reputation as it has a sequence where a maggot grows to giant size and literally rapes one of our woman astronauts. This sequence is pure crass exploitation and sadly it's what the film is most remembered for. My parents went to see Galaxy of Terror in theaters when it first came out and they walked out during this sequence. This was one of two movies that my parents walked out of (the other being William Friedkin's Cruising) so I definitely had to hunt down the film that went over the acceptable edge for my parents. Viewing it now I can see why!

Galaxy of Terror deserves no more than 2 stars but I decided to bump it up a half a stare due to the fact a lot of hard work and effort went into making this film which really had no money to spend. Lots of blood sweat and tears were shed for this production and the film looks great as a result. If it just had better dialogue and a tighter script could it have become an "A" of a "B" movie. However can a film with a maggot rape scene be respectable even with better dialogue and script?

Bonus Rant: It just fucking irks me when people hear about this movie and all they can talk about is James "my way" Cameron. Yes James Cameron was production designer and second unit director on this film and yes he would go on to be an Oscar winner later but that doesn't mean he alone made this film! There is even a whole section of the documentary present on the DVD dedicated to him....grrrr

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Mission: Impossible III (2006)

Director: JJ Abrams
Notable Cast: Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ving Rhames, Billy Crudup, Michelle Monaghan, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Keri Russell, Maggie Q, Simon Pegg, Eddie Marsan, Laurence Fishburne

The first "Mission: Impossible" was almost too smart for its own good but lacked some of the action that the crowd desired. The second film sacrificed its intelligence for style and action. This third installment, cleverly called "Mission: Impossible III", needed to balance the two sides and give the fans an action filled but smart spy film. Luckily, with some strong writing, a fantastic cast, and the vision of quickly rising J.J. Abrams in the director's chair, this third film in the series does it. Admirably well, might I add.

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

Director: John Woo
Notable Cast: Tom Cruise, Dougray Scott, Thandie Newton, Ving Rhames, Richard Roxburgh, John Polson, Brendan Gleeson

With the success of "Mission: Impossible" it was pretty easy to tell that Paramount was smelling their own Bond franchise in the air. So it wasn't all that surprising that a sequel for the franchise would be more focused on the action sequences and creation/deeping of our hero Ethan Hunt. Thus, we have "Mission: Impossible II" or "M:I-2" for those of you edgy enough to shorten a title to letters and numbers as was popular in the late 90s and early 00s. This time it's focused on the action and over-the-top ridiculously epic story line instead of the smarts and spy elements that the first one maximized and jammed into its script. Oh... and it has Tom Cruise back but this time with grungy long anti-hero hair. Cause 00s, people.

Mission: Impossible (1996)

Director: Brian De Palma
Notable Cast: Tom Cruise, Jon Voight, Emmanuelle Beart, Henry Czerny, Jean Reno, Ving Rhames

The first "Mission: Impossible" film holds a pretty special balance in its wake. Although Tom Cruise might be bat shit crazy now with his hijinks, Scientology rants, and criticisms of morning hosts, it's films like "Mission: Impossible" that make his career the flavorful catalog it is. With all of the talent incorporated with this film version of the cheesy 60s and 70s television show, its not surprising that it's updated admirably and is one of the most memorable (and spoofed) films of the 90s.

Ethan Hunt (Cruise) works for a mysterious agency known as IMF. They track down and complete tasks considered practically impossible on a daily basis. When his team, lead by Jim Phelps (Voight) is basically slaughtered on a mission to recover a stolen list of secret agents called the NOC list, Hunt is blamed for being a mole in the organization. Hunt then goes rogue vows to uncover the true mole that slaughtered his team. He builds a new team of rogue agents (Rhames and Reno) to steal the real NOC list and uncover the dire deeds behind his accusation.

The balance of "Mission: Impossible" is truly what makes this film a fun and intense watch. It somehow balances the 60s and somewhat cheesy vibe of the original TV series and updates it adequately with modern style and technology into a spy film that fringes onto an action film more than once. Considering that at the time it started filming there wasn't even a finished script, the smart and quickly moving plot engages you 100% of the time and never really lets go until the final climax of a helicopter and train chase. Its in these regards with its fun dialogue, smartly cast group (we do love us some Voight at Blood Brothers here), cheesy but somehow effect plot, and great balances that "Mission: Impossible" works so well.

If there were any hiccups on this film, it would have to be its almost arrogant and over thought plot twists. Half the time the film is too smart for its own good and has trouble conveying its own surprises to the audiences. Half the time it has to use a fairly cheesy voice over to remind us what we should know and at other times it just rolls with its twists making the audience just go with it for the sake of pacing. The ending on the train with all of its unveiling and double agent 'oh hell no!' moments gets almost overwhelming for about 10 solid minutes and still to this day I wonder about some of the details of it. The script that was being worked on before filming started does show its problems in this regard, but overall it's pretty minute in comparison to the rest of the film's execution. Fortunately the film charms its way through those holes and having a great moment with Cruise on the front of a helicopter yelling "Red light! Green light!" smooths over my confusion nicely.

Although it may not always work out logically, "Mission: Impossible" does too many things right to criticize it too much. Its fun. Its intense. Its a great 90s ride of spy nostalgia and charm. It works for me.

BONUS RANT: Now, Emilio Estevez has a short role as the first IMF team's tech guy in the beginning of this film. I love his character and I love that actor. He is not in it enough. Period. The more Emilio, the better I say. If I thought that was a legit reason I would knock off half a star on this film for killing him. But alas, its not really legit. And it was nice to see him once more before his career fell off the face of the Earth. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)

Director: Rick Bota
Notable Cast: Lance Henriksen, Katheryn Winnick, Christopher Jacot, Khary Payton, Henry Cavill, Doug Bradley

The Hellraiser franchise has once again spiraled downwards since the impressive Inferno leading into this eighth installment entitled Hellraiser: Hellworld. Although the concept of the puzzle box and mythology of the hell it raises becoming an online video game fad might seem interesting, the film comes off as a rather stale and poor attempt to intertwine the Hellraiser universe into a low brow slasher. There are moments that prove that this could have been an interesting installment for the franchise, for some it still might be, but the rest is face palm inducing silliness and haphazardly strewn together concepts that never finds a pulse.