Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Cobra - 1.5/5

"You're the disease, and I'm the cure."

Don't let the star rating of one and a half fool you. This movie is awesome. So awesome in fact, that the film makers decided to not include story lines. Or plot devices. Or character development. Or acting. Or for that matter, any sense at all. Thusly, making this one of the best (worst) 80s action films from this glorious time of ultra violent action movies.

So what we have with "Cobra", is a renegade cop nicknamed Cobra whom is part of the 'zombie squad' which is the last line of defense and a section of police force that work on the boundaries of the law. A serial killer with henchmen...err...whatever they are...are killing tons of innocent people with little rhyme or reason and they have now targeted poor Ingrid (yes, that is Brigitte Nielsen's name in the film) for seeing one of the killer's face in their most recent attack. So Cobra is here to save her from potential and slash induced death.

Honest to God, that is pretty much the extent of the plot in the film too. Summed up in about 2 sentences. To say that they don't delve too deep into the story is an understatement. I'm not sure what this axe wielding game really wants, but according to the face of the gang (Shao Khan...I mean X File Alien Bounty Hunter...shit I don't know his name) they do it cause society sucks and they are the hunters. Sounds like half assed motive to me! I like it! Needless to say, Cobra picks a fight and ridiculous amounts of gun firing, car chases, and explosions ensue.

What's even better then the shallow and vague story is the shallow and vague dialogue. There are some great one liners that don't make a lot of sense, I'm still trying to figure out why Stallone says "You have the right to remain silent" before pouring gas in a guys face and lighting him on fire as it the line has nothing to do with the action he does, and most of the attempted character development feels completely out of place. The random romantic interest scene comes out of the blue. It's actually quite hilarious instead of dramatic.

Of course, when you watch a movie like "Cobra", are you really there to see great characters and tension filled plot? Absolutely not. I'm here to see shit go boom and guys go splat. And that's what this movie does best. Whether its extended car chases, a gun fight with a thousand and one motorcycle gang members at a rural motel or a man struggle over a knife in a metal working factory then this movie nails it. Of course it doesn't have to make sense, like risking hostages to sent in Stallone to talk to a killer or even the reason he carries a machine gun throughout the film, but then why would it. That would just ground it to reality.

If you love 80s action then this is a must have. It's an awful attempt at film making but a glorious achievement in action. No story, no acting, and horrid 80s rock soundtrack make this a must have for my collection. Perhaps not yours, but definitely mine. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

1 comment:

  1. I couldn't rate films like that, if its awesome then I give it 4.5 out of 5, like this film deserves