Machete - 4/5

When the trailer was released for the then fictional film "Machete" on the Grindhouse feature, it was a cult film person's dream. Robert Rodriguez directing Danny Trejo as an ex-federale named Machete who is involved in a government conspiracy? It was almost too good to be true. Of course, then that dream came true and "Machete" became an actual film. Would it live up to the hype that this fake trailer created? Perhaps not to the extent one would hope, but "Machete" is a fantastic throw back to the grindhouse revenge thriller of cult film past and a hilarious watch.

Machete (Trejo), and that IS his name, finds himself as an illegal day worker in Texas after his wife and daughter are killed by a very powerful Mexican drug runner (Seagal). When he is approached by a politician (Fahey) to assassinate a Senator (De Niro) on his campaign trail, he falls into a trap. Now he has to clear his name and help his people rise up against a corrupt government before they find him and wipe him from this Earth. With the help of an ICE agent (Alba), a revolutionary leader (Rodriguez) and his priest brother (Marin) he has a long way to climb out of his own grave and bring justice to all.

 If you go into "Machete" and hate watching 'bad' movies, then man you are going to HATE this one. Like many films that Rodriguez has been doing lately, sans his kids films, there is this definite and up-in-front love for the low-budget exploitation films from the 70s and 80s. This of course makes it insanely off the wall with its humor and embraces that extreme love of ultra-violence and chest thumping manliness. In all honesty, "Machete" might offend most viewers in one way or another unless you have leather back skin like our leading man Trejo. That's okay though. If you were offended in some way, then the film did its job.

Stylistically speaking, the over the top action, the stoic and gristled hero, the strong but very sexual female characters, and its oddly placed but very funny humor is a damn riot. My brother pointed out that after the opening sequence the fake scratches on the 'film' disappeared which was disappointing, but the style still remained. I personally loved the humor of the film and the dialogue was insanely quotable for characters that were fun and memorable. Some of the sub plots seemed a little like added padding (what the hell was the point of Lohan's part?) but overall the film moved like lightning and never let up.

If you are a fan of those over the top 70s and 80s throw back films, then "Machete" is a must see with its complete ridiculousness. Occasionally it can get a bit too serious with its political agenda concerning border patrols in Texas, but its down in such a way that it works with the style. A great and violent ride that really holds onto what we love here. Cult film making.

BONUS PRAISE: I (and I'm sure my brother agrees) will be seeing "Machete Kills" and "Machete Kills Again" if they actually come to fruition. A promised franchise for a film like this? Count me the fuck in.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Black Cobra (1987) - 1/5

Wasn't Sylvester Stallone's "Cobra" bad enough? Did we really need a cheap Italian knock off of it? No we didn't but none-the-less the Italians thought it enough to rip it off and change the title just a bit to reflect its main star, cult icon Fred Williamson.

The plot is exactly like "Cobra". Sadistic gang going around brutally killing people for no apparent reason: check. Hot babe witnesses a murder and gets away without first seeing the face of the gang leader: check. Tough as nails cop assigned to protect her from the gang: check. Gang tries to murder the witness while she is in the hospital: check. Car chases: check. As you can see this is just "Cobra" with a lower budget and bad dubbing.

The main reason to see this film is for cult icon Fred Williamson but even he seems bored with the premises. He seems tired and wore out as the fight scenes are really poorly staged. He isn't even able to get his likable charm to shine through the silted dialogue as lines like "I'd do it even if it was Santa Clauses' daughter" come out more head ache inducing than unintentionally funny.

Director Stelvio Massi directed some decent Poliziotteschi films in the 70s but again like many of his director brethren his output in the 80s degrades to the Z-grade action level as this is a far cry from his superior 70s offerings. His directing just seems cheap and shoddy with poor zooms and pans. I understand he was working with nothing for a budget but he did nothing to try to heighten up the look of the film.

The worst part perhaps is the god damn score. We get one fucking piece, the same piece played over the opening credits, and it is the only piece of score played throughout the entire picture. That would be fine if it was a catchy, likeable score but it's not so it gets annoying really fast.

Like almost every other poliziotteschi film released in the 80s, "Black Cobra" weaves just above the line of god-awful and isn't even that fun for unintentional laughter. Williamonson looks bored and the directing is uninspired. For an Italian low-budget knock off this should have been a lot more fun than it was. Two sequels did follow ("The Black Cobra 2", "Black Cobra 3: Manila Connection") which are both MUCH better than this one. A fourth film entitled "Detective Malone" was also released but it was just a movie filmed around stock footage of Williamson from the first 3 films.

Bonus Rant: It was enough to rip-off "Cobra" but the writers decided also to lift some dialogue from "Dirty Harry". During the final gun battle, Willaimson's Malone character has the balls to say a slightly changed version of Dirty Harry's famous dialogue of how many bullets did he fire and if the thug feels lucky. Come on guys!

Note: The "Black Cobra" trilogy has fallen into public domain here in the United States and to be honest most of the releases are pure crap as they cram all three films onto a single layer DVD. The least crappy DVD release of these films is the triple feature from Diamond Entertainment which has all three films spread out on two discs, the second disc being dual layered so that means one film per layer! The transfer of the first "Black Cobra" though is still from a poor VHS source so only the most forgivable cult film fanatics, like me, are encouraged to hunt this DVD set down.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

12 Monkeys - 5/5

With the return to form that was "The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus", I decided it was time to go visit a favorite Gilliam film of mine, the very dark and odd "12 Monkeys". Not a picture that fits in his normally fantastical style, this bleak and oddly very realistic science fiction tale is expertly executed on all fronts. It's superb all the way around from its weird time jumping structure to its technical prowess of getting the audience to forget how it should end. One of my favorite, if not one of the best, science fiction films out there.

A convict from the not too far future Cole (Willis) has been randomly chose for a project by the government to investigate the virus that destroyed most of humanity and forced the rest to live underground. They are looking to find the source of the virus and how it was originally released so they can stop it from ever happening. How, you ask? They send this man back in time on a mission to further research the outbreak and stop it by using an early form of time travel. Now Cole has to desperately grasp onto his own sense of sanity and figure out what happened. Somehow it all seems to be linked to a mysterious rebel group, the 12 Monkeys, and their insane leader Jeffrey Goines (Pitt).

Unlike many of Gilliam's other films, "12 Monkeys" very much grounds itself in a realistic way. There are only a few fantastical (and very "Brazil" inspired) moments throughout the film, most of which occur in the 'future' or the mental ward where our hero ends up for a spell. These are almost satirical in their manner and a great counter to the very gloomy tone of the film's story. The director has always been able to balance serious drama, comedy, and fantasy well, but it's at high marks here with "12 Monkeys".

The film also has a great build towards its final moments. Watching Willis' character transform and go through the ordeals he does is a riveting watch (which is only matched with a stellar supporting cast including an Academy Award nod performance for Brad Pitt) and with the film's oddly distorted structure and time leaps, the audience is pulled into the realm with relative ease. By the end, one is so desperately wanting Willis to succeed with his goals that its basic sci-fi question ending, can one truly change the past to affect the future, becomes an overwhelming anxiety. This kind of execution of film can't be under-appreciated.

"12 Monkeys" easily surpasses many of Gilliam's films (which says a lot in itself) and highlights just what science fiction can do in this modern age. It never feels cheesy and it never fails to succeed on every level as a film. Although the odd humor might throw some viewers off, it is very British at times, "12 Monkeys" is still one of my favorite film experiences. Expertly done and a fantastic watch. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Romeo Must Die - 1.5/5

At the age of 15, this movie was one of my favorites. For that "Romeo Must Die" gets some credit for helping to kick start my love for kung fu films. Beyond that though, upon finding my copy to re-watch it, this is a pretty piece of shit Americanized film that tries to so hard to blend the popular gangster rap culture with Asian stunt/fight work that it forgets it was supposed to have a script or acting. Shame.

Han (Li) must escape prison in Hong Kong to find his way to LA when his brother is killed. There is a war between his family and that of the African American O'Days for land on the LA waterfront that is being bought for an NFL expansion team. The war begins to get out of hand as betrayals rip through both families. Han uses the help of the daughter of the O'Day's, Trish (Aaliyah) to get to the bottom of this disturbing bought for power between two large gang families.

Supposedly this is supposed to be a film that modernizes "Romeo And Juliet". "Romeo Must Die" sort of just rips off the basic concept for the great play and then forgets about being clever with it at all. It's a concept that should have been a very cool and intriguing way to modernize the tale for the new audiences, but it sorely fails on that account.

So if its general idea fails, then it better have a stellar execution to make up for it. It doesn't. It's first time directed by a Polish cinematographer (who later went on to give us even more shitty classics like "Cradle 2 The Grave", "Exit Wounds", and "Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun-Li"!!) who lets us see all of his amateur flaws. For a guy that helped reinvigorate mainstream kung fu success in America, he certainly can't direct a good fight sequence despite having the every fun Corey Yuen choreograph it. The script also sports some very confusing and ill explained plot leaps and some seriously bad dialogue. It never gets a solid focus and constantly feels awkward. The romance between Li and Aaliyah is shoddy at best and the oddly placed and low brow humor only makes the film feel like it was made for 15 year old boys.

In all honesty, I do have a special place in my heart for "Romeo Must Die" since it was one of my first films to see with Jet Li. Besides that, this film really frustrates me since there are so many BETTER American kung fu films out there. This one is just awkward from moment one with its awful credits and it never gets better. There are a lot of things that could have gone right with this film, but almost none of it did. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Street Fighter, The (1974) - 4/5

If you clicked on this review mistaking it for the horrid 1994 video game adaption "Street Fighter" starring Jean-Claude Van Damme then you need to be taken in the back ally and shot. This is the ONE, the ONLY "Street Fighter" starring the incredible Sonny Chiba. Never heard if it? Then you need to break out of your box a little and discover the wondrous world of the Japanese martial arts / exploitation hybrids with "The Street Fighter" being king of the pack and the perfect place to start.

Chiba is our title character, a merciless dirty fighting karate master that hires out his skills to the highest bidder. When an important business man dies he leaves his daughter with billions of dollars, the Japanese Mafia and Yakuza attempt to hire our "street fighter" to kidnap her. When they refuse to pay Chiba's exorbitant price, they attempt to murder him in order to keep his mouth shut. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE! He instead offers his skills to protect the businessman's daughter and goes on a bloody rampage, literally!

Released in the early days of the martial arts film explosion, "The Street Fighter" pushed the envelope even farther of the violence seen in some early Bruce Lee and Shaw Brothers classics by piling on the violence and blood, so much that it earned the first ever X rating for violence alone. A martial arts movie rated X for violence?! Sign me up! Boy does it live up to its reputation of being violent as our street fighter is one ruthless mother fucker and one of the all time best anti-heroes ever to grace the screen. You want a fair fight? Then don't fight the street fighter! This guy will not hesitate to gouge your eyes out or to tear out your larynx. Fuck there is even one sequence where he rips a guys testicles off when he's attempting to rape a woman! Guaranteed you won't see a kill like that anywhere but here buddy.

What can I say about Sonny Chiba? This guy is just incredible! He's just a meaner, nastier version of Bruce Lee and to be honest I prefer that. He's just has a mesmerizing screen presence and an intensity that can't be matched. His martial arts abilities are just stunning and more violent than anything I have witnessed. This guy has solidified his spot on my of list of all time favorite martial artist.

The filmmakers here take standard martial arts approach and mix it with loveable over-the-top exploitation elements like violence to make one sick, fucked up martial arts fiesta. I loved it! Hell I prefer to watch this over Shaw Brothers epics any day (no disrespect to Shaw Brothers as I also love their films too, I just prefer the extreme nature of "The Street Fighter"). For me "The Street Fighter" is the epitome grindhouse martial arts film that was followed by two entertaining sequels, "Return of the Street Fighter" and "The Street Fighter's Last Revenge" as well as the "Sister Street Fighter" spin-off franchise. One can easily see why modern filmmakers like Quentin Tarantino love this film so much (he of course would make references to this film numerous times in his movies and even cast Chiba in an interesting role in "Kill Bill").

Bonus Praise: This film marked the first ever "x-ray" shot of someone's body while being hit. When Chiba chops a guy's head, the film cuts to an x-ray image of the guy's skull cracking. Cheesy? Sure it is but it's also fucking great! This technique would later be copied in Jet Li's crappy American "martial arts" film "Romeo Must Die."

Note: Sadly "The Street Fighter" franchise has fallen into public domain here in the states and there are a shit ton of DVDs available in varying quality, mostly shitty. I purchased the "Street Fighter Saga" from VCI Entertainment which included all three "Street Fighter" films and the first "Sister Street Fighter" film and that set is pretty good quality, definitely good enough to get us fans by. I recommend getting that set as well as picking up the amazing "Sister Street Fighter Collection" to get the entire franchise.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Piranha 3D - 3.5/5

I might as well make it known now that I had very high expectations for "Piranha 3D". What I mean is, I had very high expectations for the low expectations that they move was aiming for. A remake of a campy "Jaws" knock-off as directed by one of the best of the new horror directors, Aja? Count me the fuck in. Unfortunately, despite its promising premise of stupid amounts of extremes, "Piranha 3D" wasn't as great as one could have hoped.

Jake (McQueen) lives with his mother the sheriff (Shue) at Lake Victoria. During Spring Break, this lake is booming with idiotic, horny, and completely wasted youth and its that time of year again. Law enforcement has their hands full. When an odd earth quake seemingly opens up a new cavern below the lake, it unleashes an entire school of prehistoric piranha onto the mass of dumb college kids. This just might cramp Jake's style as he is invited to be the local scout for 'Wild Wild Girls' on the lake. Oh yes, there will be blood in the water.

For those looking for a sweet time watching young beautiful (only half clothed) women and men get slaughtered by fish and various other extreme things, then "Piranha 3D" is going to fit the bill. Aja does it right by focusing in on the campyness of the plot and detailing it out with extreme amounts of gore and nudity (although he may even go too far at times as one fish even gets a hold of Jerry O'Connell's special parts just for the audience to cringe) and for that this film holds its charm. It's a fun movie, if you consider mass death fun that is, and for those looking for an extreme high-budget Grindhouse feel then it hits its marks.

I don't think "Piranha 3D" went far enough though. I know that sounds ridiculous to say considering how much editing this will have to go through to make it onto SyFy in five years, but it doesn't. Most of this has to do with the script. There is almost a serious tone to Jake's character and his predicament with his siblings and by the third act, the film almost forgets that it was supposed to be jokey. This piece of the film never really fits. "Piranha 3D" also happens to go light on the bad dialogue. It has its moments of great, horrible, lines but the rest are played almost too good for what this film should have been.

"Piranha 3D" is a fun and gory watch for those out there looking for it, but it occasionally loses that tone for the sake of making the plot make sense. It would have even been better had the film broken down and really approached more of its side characters (and leads for that matter) in more of an over-the-top and cartoonish way. But alas it doesn't. Making it a relatively fun and campy horror film to recapture summer gory...err...I mean glory days, but it seems to still want to play it safe on some grounds.

BONUS RANT: Ving Rhames is seriously underused in this film. His character could have been a bad ass and fun side note in the film and they rarely use him to his full potential. Every time he was on screen I was expecting to maybe see him start punching fish or go ape shit but we only get one really classic scene and that's it. For shame. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Porky's Revenge - 1.5/5

Eagle eyed viewers will notice one glaring individual missing from this third "Porky's" film. That person would of course be original writer/director Bob Clark. Why did he pass on doing "Porky's III"? Could he be he had moved on to bigger and better projects or was it due to the fact he failed with "Porky's II" and decided to say "hell" with the franchise. Whatever his reasons 20th Century Fox decided to milk the Porky teat one last time (can't make a money making franchise die!) and forged on without Clark's involvement. Were they able to craft a solid, interesting sequel improving on aspects brought about in the first two entries? Obviously from my rating that would be a big HELL NO.

Judging from the title the filmmakers decided to get back to the basics and bring back our hefty villain Porky (sorely missing from the last picture) into the franchise and it's also safe to say that he wants REVENGE. Well apparently Porky is forcing the Angel Beach high school basketball coach to throw the championship game but our horny teens (who look like their pushing 30) have their own tricks up their sleeve in order to ruin Porky's life and fortune once again.

Most of our cast returns from the previous films but I have to say it's amazing how four years can age a person. These are the oldest high school students this side of 36 year old Wendy O. Williams from "Reform School Girls." It really adds to the films unintentional hilarity. A comedy being unintentionally funny.... can that really happen? Well "Porky's Revenge" proved to me it could.

The films look is also drastically different from Bob Clark's restrained look of the first two pictures. He had the uncanny ability to make those films look like they took place in the 50s. Not here as though they try, it still looks like a 80s teen sex comedy as 80s soft lens shots, hairdos, and other odds n' ends rear their heads every now and then.

Knowing "Porky's II" failed with trying to add new aspects into the mix, the filmmakers here try to make "Porky's Revenge" more like the original and they do succeed but in the process make it come out like a third rate carbon copy making it really no better than the slew of "Porky's" rip-offs that filmed Cineplexes throughout the 80s. The cast looks too old and tired and the film lacks the onscreen presence of the character Porky, despite the title telling us he's out for revenge. It was due time to slaughter this pig and turn it into pork chops as this swine franchise has over lived it's welcome.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Spider-Man 3 - 2/5

Despite two relatively successful entries into the "Spider-Man" series, with high marks going towards "2", the third and now final entry of this part of the franchise is a bust. It has its moments and its still a fun watch, but it never touches the impact that the first two were able to pull. The details are all there, its just the foundations for "Spider-Man 3" that are faulty.

Peter Parker (Maguire) is finally finding a balance with his double life as Spider-Man. New York roots for him as a crime fighter. His grades are way up. And Mary Jane (Dunst) knows his secret and chose to stay with him. Things are looking solid. When a weird black substance adheres to his Spidey suit though, he starts seeing things a whole new way. With a few new villains sitting on the horizon, one an old friend (Franco) and one a new thief made of sand (Church) he might find himself going down a darker path with his life. With his life suddenly coming apart, he realizes he has an even bigger enemy to fight, himself.

There is a lot going on with "Spider-Man 3". Pushed to the brink of absurd pacing, the filmmakers tried to make this entry so big and so epic that they forgot what made the first two great - a good story. There are so many plots and subplots going on in this film, its no wonder when they tried to weave it together it didn't stick. With so many ways to make this film good (focusing on the forgiveness aspect of the character arcs for one), "Spider-Man 3" leaps over the good parts to get to the more exciting ones. Not that the action isn't good, if you love motion sickness, but for the glitz and visual style of Raimi to work then there has to be a good story to build on. That just isn't present here.

Part of this poorly constructed foundation is built on its lack of building new characters. We are introduced to a slew of new faces and none of them have the proper time on screen to actually give us anything. Sandman is a great villain whose obsession with finding a cure for his daughter should provoke some sort of empathy from the audience and make a great duel morality issue. They don't use that though! They also add in Franco as a secondary villain and in the last act they bring in Venom/Eddie Brock (Grace) to make three. Its way too fucking much for them to build on. What made the first two films so good were their focuses on the hero/villain relationship and how it builds on the characters and Spider-Man's story. They completely ignore this with this film and its insanely frustrating.

Other than its substandard plot and story, this film isn't THAT bad. It's a fun watch with Raimi doing his visual feast for the eyes and bringing out all of that great awkward humor (don't even ask me about the 'bad' Parker sequence...that shit is just annoying) and the action is breathtaking at times if somewhat at its most unrealistic.

The film is fun, quirky, and still a great watch for the family, but "Spider-Man 3" collapses under the weight of some serious issues in its storytelling and plot. Compared to the second film its basic and utter crap even if it has some redeeming qualities. It's even sadder that it was the final one when it brings up some very cool new ideas and places for the series to go. Easily the worst in the series. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Porky's II: The Next Day - 2/5

With “Porky’s” being the huge hit it was with the younger crowd a sequel would be inevitable.... a sequel we all knew wasn’t going to be near as good. Making a good sequel would be a challenging feat due to the premises of original being paper thin. I mean how long can they drag on a premises of high school guys wanting to get laid without the shtick getting old? Not long that’s for damn sure as “Porky’s II” came out disappointing even with expectations already low.

Like the subtitle suggests, this sequel starts the next day after the events of the first film. All of our main cast returns and they are still horny as ever. Instead of having a rival with Porky this time, our teens have to take on a corrupt southern minister that want’s to shut down their Shakespear play for being too vulgar. If that weren’t enough they also have to take on the KKK and even a corrupt mayor.

Director Bob Clark desperately tries to throw new interesting themes into the mix but nothing really jelled together. All these interesting villains don’t work if the film isn’t funny and trust me, there isn’t much funny about this sequel. Some sequences try desperately to be as funny or memorable as similar sequences in the original but they all fall flat.

There is really nothing memorable about this movie. Ask people about sequences in the original film and they can rattle them off like a grocery list but ask them about part 2 and all you get is “ummm.... is that the one with the KKK.” Yea, that’s it. The poster artwork tries to make the snake sequence in the toilet the main comedy attraction but it doesn’t hold a candle to anything from the original.

“Porky’s II” proves again that even the original director can’t always save a sequel. Bob Clark seems to be as disappointed with this film as the fans were as he never talks about it in interviews. He tries hard here but it’s nothing more than another disappointing and forgettable follow-up. Even so it still made a killing at the box office so “Porky’s III” wasn’t too far behind.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

A-Team, The - 4/5

"Overkill is underrated." - Hannibal

Updating old TV series into modern day movies is a chancy business. You just might end up with a "Starsky & Hutch" hitting theaters. Of course, there is a flip side where it works out close to perfectly. That's "The A-Team". A ridiculous and action packed early 80s TV series shouldn't necessarily work, but this film takes to the right attitude to the entire thing and pulls it off with smiles and explosions. Just the way we like it.

Hannibal (Neeson) and his team expert military soldiers (Cooper, Jackson, and Copley) find themselves in a very bad position. Whilst on a covert ops mission to retrieve stolen currency plates in Iraq, their general is killed and the plates stolen. Being blamed for the incident, they are sentenced to US Military prison. A CIA agent (Wilson) doesn't quite believe the story being told and tells this 'A Team' that if they can retrieve the plates, their slates will be wiped clean and their statuses reinstated. Thusly, they all bust out of prison to clear their names. What they find outside is that things are far more complicated then they thought and a conspiracy to get these plates might be larger and deeper then they imagined.

"The A-Team" required only two things for it to work. It needed lots of ridiculous over the top action with absurd plans. It also needed cast chemistry. This film has both in heaps.

Never taking itself too seriously, this modern outlook on a cult classic balances the books nicely between funny and intense action. More or less combining the two in a great one-two punch. Where the hell else are you going to see a flying tank? Where are you going to a helicopter flip upside down to avoid a missile? Not many places anymore unfortunately. It's a great combo though and kept a smile plastered on my face the entire time.

The film also rocks a stellar cast. The chemistry between the four men is fun and infectious for the viewers and their screen time together is rather rambunctious. Although the acting can be hit or miss (along with the directing which is fun and modern but lacks a certain soul to it) these guys put on the full get up when getting into character and it works for what this film is.

Critics panned this film for its lack of solid story and characters. They're right. The story can be a little too twisty for its own good and the characters are cartoony, but did any of them see the original show? For my money, it was pretty spot on to what I expected from this update.

"The A-Team" is an absolute riot. No its not any kind of a perfect film or is it all that good past its surface level, but its hard not to be smiling and rooting for these men as they leap from one ridiculous situation to the next. It's an infectious chemistry that this film really embraces only for its benefit. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider