Return of Sabata - 3/5

Despite being the third Sabata film in America, Return of Sabata is technically the only true sequel to the original with our lovable ass anti-hero being played again by the god-like Lee Van Cleef after that impostor Yul Brenner took over the role in Audios Sabata. Since this is the "true" sequel (not another film retitled to be a "sequel" like Adios) we again get a spaghetti western/James Bond film hybrid, the way a Sabata film should be!

Apparently Sabata has joined the circus as the film opens with him being a marksman in a traveling entertainment group. Of course Sabata would degrade himself to a career of abashment as he is actually following a counterfeit ring. He tracks the ring to a small western town where he teams up with some oddball sidekicks to blackmail an old war buddy into getting money from the mayor of the town who has an elaborate scheme to steal residents money through taxes in exchange for counterfeit money.

Like James Bond films the plot is basically the same as the film before, but like typical sequels this one just isn't as good. It's great to see Lee Van Cleef back in the roll but the rest of the characters seem like less interesting carbon copies of similar characters in the original. Reiner Schöne as Lee Van Cleef's old war buddy isn't as interesting as the devious Banjo despite the two characters again having a love/hate relationship. Similar to Leone's Man With No Name trilogy, there are a lot of actors that return playing different characters her so that might confuse some viewers. Ignazio Spalla returns again playing a similar role but he's rather worthless spending most of the film banging on a large drum. Fans will also recognize the actor playing the unconvincing Native American in Sabata returning playing a different character that again does ridiculous jumping acts.

Return of Sabata is definitely worth a view for fans of the original. It's got the same feel and look but it just isn't quite as good. Perhaps with better writing for the secondary characters and maybe a little better pacing this could have been just as enjoyable. As is though it still can bring a smirk to a spaghetti western fans face, especially when Cleef talks about being old fashioned and that he isn't into orgies. What?!

Bonus Rant: The theme song desperately tries hard to be as catchy as the first films theme but I found it in bad taste that one of the lyrics calls Sabata the "nine fingered man." Yes Lee Van Cleef is missing part of a finger on one of his hands but why include a lyrics in the song focusing on one of his flaws? If I were him I would be offended...

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Forbidden World [Mutant] - 2/5

I went into Forbidden World (also released theatrically as Mutant) expecting a entertainingly bad Alien rip-off and boy oh boy did I get what I expected! Sometimes said to be a sequel to the cult film Galaxy of Terror but I don't see the connection. Forbidden World is just another quickie Alien rip-off produced by Roger Corman that just happens to use some of the same sets as Galaxy of Terror. To be honest Forbidden world is FAR more of an alien rip-off than its earlier more popular counterpart.

The film throws the audience right away into a space battle getting everyone interested. We have unused stock footage from the Corman Star Wars rip-off Battle Beyond the Stars giving the film some nifty space effects. On the ship we are introduced to our "hero" and his android sidekick. Our bounty hunter is called to a planet to investigate a lab where one of its creations has broken free and killing all the lab animals. Once arriving the creature has already cocooned itself into a corner and emerges, turning various crew members into gelatinous creatures themselves that it can eat. By the end our creature becomes a bad carbon copy of our Alien design (see the "Mutant" poster for a visual representation) and trust me you will be rooting for the damn thing to eat our unlikeable characters!

The women on this scientific research base take the cake as being the strangest characters. I mean they are complete sluts! With what only seems to be a few hours after arriving, one of our gals beds our bounty hunter! The next morning our bounty hunter walks into the steam room and our other lady friend almost lays him right there, until our escaped Alien/mutant decides to fuck that up. Our gals also walk around the station in skin tight outfits and "robes" that barely cover their ass cheeks. In perhaps the most unintentionally hilarious moment our gals have an important talk about how to communicate with the mutant alien by soaping each other up in the shower! The director didn't even try to hide his attempts at exploitation! I did get a good laugh when one of the women tries to communicate with the "thing" via 1982 computer and the Alien mistakes the word "co-exist" into being that she wants to be eaten.

Forbidden World is a BAD Alien rip-off but unlike many other BAD Alien rip-offs (cough cough Star Crystal!) Forbidden World manages to entertain by being schlocky fun. The characters are one dimensional, the acting is bad, and so is the script. Yet all this badness mixed with 80's new wave still kept me glued to the screen. I am embarrassed to say but I actually had a good time with Forbidden World. It's got enough unintentional laughs, gory special effects, and gratuitous nudity to please fans of trash cinema. Corman himself would even produce a shit remake of this film in 1991 entitled Dead Space.

BONUS RANT: The original cut of the film contained 5 extra minutes of comedic material that apparently angered Roger Corman who believed comedy doesn't belong in a "horror" film. He had the material quickly removed before wide release. Thankfully Shout Factory also released the director's cut on DVD with this cut footage intact and it gives the film more of a tongue-in-cheek feel which I dug for a bad Alien rip-off. Shame on you Corman for cutting that material out!

Also don't be confuse this film and the 1984 film Mutant. Though they both share titles they are completely different. Sadly some DVD companies confuse the films and the 1984 film Mutant received a DVD release which utilized the Mutant poster art for this film. WHOOPS!

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Give 'Em Hell, Malone - 2/5

Although the modern trend of bringing back that film noir of the 30s seems to be taking over the cult film underground, when you start throwing around names like Tom Jane or Ving Rhames or French Stewart...okay maybe not him so much...then my ears perk up. Essentially that's why "Give 'Em Hell, Malone" ended up in my watching pile. What this film does is create a fun vibe and tons of great ideas. What this film doesn't do is finish any of it out. Its like making a sweet bowl to hold water, that really can't hold water. Its still a cool bowl but it fails at what its supposed to do.

Malone (Jane) is a legend by now. He's a gun for hire who's legendary beginnings seem to change to each person you talk to. But its his latest job, retrieving a briefcase, that may be his last. Malone is a hard man to kill, but a big time mobster wants this case he has and is prepared to send some of the worlds most dangerous criminals after him for it, including Boulder (Rhames) who used to work with Malone. Now Malone has to figure out who actually hired him and why before a slew of villainous folks slaughter him.

The idea of "Give 'Em Hell, Malone" is pretty solid and impressive honestly. Its an old 30s noir inspired film done with modern techniques and an 80s sense of over the top cartoon-y ridiculousness. Its like a slightly more modern "Dick Tracy" if you will. With a solid cast (Tom Jane will always be one of my favorite cult actors) and a solid concept and some nice 30s inspired visual work, this film should be a fun shoot-em-up time with trench coats and pet names.

"Give 'Em Hell, Malone" definitely has its moments like Malone's charisma with his mother and some great over the top dialogue moments, but the film really seems to miss far to many opportunities. The humor is rather hit or miss, many scenes are played too light hearted, and our femme fatale is rather lack luster. In fact, I felt as if this film should have almost played up the seriousness of its ridiculousness not unlike the great "Shoot 'Em Up". Yet, throughout the film I felt like the script, the directing, and cast would only half ass most of their parts. Not how I want to spend my time watching something with that much potential.

This film was a fun watch, but its understandable why it ended up going straight to DVD and not getting too much attention. Its rather disappointing and more often than not feels rushed and poorly executed. It has some great moments (and great one liners) but this could easily be a skip for most folks.

BONUS RANT: The character of Matchstick is an obvious rip on Ledger's Joker from "The Dark Knight". The way he moves. The twitches he uses. Even his scars. It was so obvious that it almost made me gag a few times. Not that the actor didn't do it well, but it definitely wasn't original by any means.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Treasure Of The Four Crowns - 1/5

I don't get it. I love trashy Italian films and I love trashy Cannon films, but for some reason when the two are mixed it comes out disappointing (Hercules excluded). Hell even the Cannon film Jungle Raiders from Italian rip-off king Antonio Margheriti came out disappointing! Treasure of the Four Crowns sadly not only ranks as the worst Cannon Indiana Jones rip-off I've seen but also the worst Italian Indiana Jones rip-off I've seen and to be honest that is quite a feat!

The film begins with our hero (played by Tony "Tony") wondering into a castle in order to find a key. In his quest he gets attacked by birds, dogs, snakes and everything else but the kitchen sink. By the time he got to the key I was thanking God they didn't have him fight ghosts like in Get Mean. I spoke too soon as no shit our hero even has to fight ghosts in the castle that cause cross bows to fire and float in air. He even has boulders chase him in grand Indiana Jones fashion. They may be smaller than the Jones versions but these ones are badass as they are on fire! After 20 goddamn minutes of him going through the rip-off motions with no dialogue, we are finally introduced to some plot. Tony Tony arrives back home to hand over his employers the key. They state the key opens all of the legendary "four crowns" and the two remaining crowns seem to be held in a high tech security hold that belongs to a Satanic religious cult. What! A Satanic cult! By this time in the film I was even questioning my own faith in God! Our hero is then assigned some forgettable sidekicks to go get the skulls, but will he be able to defeat the alarms, defeat the cult, and his own temptations? Does anyone care by this point?

This film is just dreadful and to make matters worse the film, like the previous Anthony/Baldi team up Comin' At You!, was filmed in "Wondervision 3D" so it is plum full of all the typical 3D gimmickry of shit "flying at the camera". On 2D video our 3D film looks dull and blurry. The plot is just Z-Grade Indiana Jones material full of superficial characters and an absolutely boring "hero". Tony Tony just looks too old and tired to be playing these parts (not as bad as Roger Moore circa A View to a Kill mind you) and his performance gives me the impression he didn't give a shit either. This was the final film for actor Tony Tony and trust me I didn't shed a tear. He had some fun movies in the past but it was due time for him to retire. The film however hits its absolute low towards the end when our hero grabs the two gems in the "good" crown and the "evil" crown and these two powers causes him to mutant into a half-assed monster that shoots flames from his hands. I kid you not....

This not only sucks as an Indiana Jones rip-off but it sucks as a film in general. There's nothing, absolutely nothing to recommend about this turkey and it even fails to entertain on the B-movie level that so many of its Italian counterparts are so successful at. If you want an Indiana Jones rip-off with entertainment value then see Cannon's King Solomon's Mines or some trashy adventure films directed by Antonio Margheriti. Treasure of the Four Crowns is a treasure not worth discovering.

Even though the film sucked, I have to thank my friend Bill for locating me a copy. Thanks Bill for satisfying my curiosity!

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Host, The - 4.5/5

To say that I was completely taken back by "The Host" is easy for me to say. Calling it one of the best monster films ever might actually be an understatement of sorts. "The Host" is badass from beginning to end. It combines so many random elements together, that it feels at any time it could lose control of its bearings and everything will fall apart. It doesn't. And its this odd combination of elements and styles that makes "The Host" a completely unique and visceral film experience.

Park Gang-Du is your average slacker young man. He lives with his father and helps him run a food stand on the Han River (poorly I might add) and fails to compare to his two siblings accomplishments. His own daughter (her mother is never in the picture) looks at him as a fool and an embarrassment. When a mutant fish monster, yes you read that right, arises from the Han River to upstart a panic in the country, suddenly Park Gang-Du is in the middle of it. His daughter is taken by the creature for a later snack and the government believes that this creature is a host to a new virus and that Gang-Du and his family are now infected. Its a race against time and bureaucratic red tape for Gang-Du to save his daughter from this creature of unearthly creature.

As was mentioned in the introduction, "The Host" is one of the oddest combination of film styles I have ever had pleasure to view. Combining the obvious Monster based Horror platform with dramatic family issues, dark humor galore, and a solid socio-political satire and criticism piece and that's what you will find in "The Host". Somehow and in some random way though, director Bong Joon-Ho, the script writers, and cast make this film work in almost all the perfect balances. It's impressive to say the least.

Although the film is blessed with a solid cast and a brilliant artistic director that has a vision for the balance that this film needed, our fish monster might be one of the best parts of the film. It exemplifies all of this elements that make this film great, by being the elephant in the room for the family drama, by being the Horrific monster it is, by being created by man's own foolish acts, and by being completely created in a tongue in cheek manor (it does have random fish tails that stick out of its back and flings itself from bridge scaffolding like a gymnast). This is a perfect creature for this film and one of the more memorable monsters in the last few decades.

"The Host" is just one massive fun and unique experience that layers plenty of thought provoking details into the mix for deeper viewing pleasure. It just strikes so many great moments and ideas that its hard not to admire it for its artistic value all the while as you enjoy a fine monster flick. Now if that's not something to love, then I'm not sure what is.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Inception - 5/5

It's nice to see Christopher Nolan again. Despite a solid couple releases under the Batman franchise and the rather hit or miss "The Prestige", I wanted to see Nolan reach the height he set with the brilliant and beastly "Memento" and "Inception" had the means to. It did. Now that I've had about half a day to let the film sink in (honestly, its going to take a few more viewings to truly let it hit its stride I think), its time to reflect on this mindfuck of a film and the brilliance it was. Let's start appropriately though with a synopsis.

Cobb (DiCaprio) has the biggest job of his life before him. Cobb and his partner Arthur (Gordon-Levitt) are extractors, thieves that perform corporate espionage by stealing ideas from another person's dream. But their latest gig is a new attempt and step in their careers. They have to plant an idea into someone's head in an act called inception. So they gather a team together to pull off their biggest act yet, with a prize for Cobb that means he can finally overcome his own demons and finally go home for good.

"Inception" is fucking intense. Yeah. I'm pretty sure through the last 40 minutes or so I never blinked. It was so good it was painful. Right away we are thrown into Cobb's world of dreams (literally we are since there is no opening credits) and for the first half of the film we are delivered the rules of being a dream architect and the dangers and pride of doing their job. As Cobb and his partner build the perfect team, whilst dodging corporate hit men, we are introduced to these rules mostly as they learn the ropes. We are also privy to learn about Cobb and his struggles with the dream scape and real world that he lives in giving us insight and questions about how real is real.

Its this slick and fast paced script that layers itself beautifully around a wonderful Science Fiction based idea. This is truly the highlight of the film (Nolan's many many years crafting it helped I'm sure) and by the end when we find our team in true danger and dreams within dreams within dreams, its impossible as it is for the characters to pull out and just like they are you are stuck through until the end.

The film also balances the intelligence of the concept with some intense action sequences. Many times I was thrown back to the feelings of awe and intensity I felt when I first watched "The Matrix". Gunfights, chase sequences, and a massively impressive rotating gravity fist fight all make appearances throughout the visually stunning epic and greatly balance the deep character work and dialogue heavy explanation moments.

As for our characters and the badass cast driving them, "Inception" like the previous "Shutter Island" is truly a DiCaprio showcase. He, even with a stellar supporting cast, carries the burden of most of the film and ably does so. The supporting characters don't get some of the depth that one could have hoped, but it never draws away from the overall story. This is Cobb's struggle and his story and that is what you will get with "Inception".

This film is a visually stunning masterpiece of dream like quality with a raw edge enough to also throw a lot of mind food at you too. Its balanced almost perfectly with high energy action and tons of intelligent dialogue and story and of course, executed in grand form. This is definitely the highlight of my movie theater experience thus far in 2010. Highly recommended for anyone that is a fan of film making.

BONUS RANT: Nolan does need a swift kick in the ass for the ending and final shot of this film. I won't give it away (its too damn good to be that mean) but it did get a response from someone in front of me screaming "You've got to be fucking kidding me!!" and I felt the same way. Its a clever shot, but damn it was a final mindfuck to top off the rest of the film. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Undisputed II: Last Man Standing - 3/5

The film "Undisputed" is one of those surprisingly solid films that garnered quite a bit of attention. Was it a film that needed a sequel or to start off a franchise? No. Not at all. But it did. And surprising as it is, its first sequel "Undisputed II: Last Man Standing" is a romp and a half of bad film fun. It's a bad film with quite a bit of heart, even if most of the film is so over the top its hard not to laugh and probably more than deserving of at least a rental.

George "Iceman" Chambers (White) is a world champion boxer whose career is on the downturn. While on a random tour of Russia, he is set up on false drug charges and sent to one hellish Russian prison where the mob seems to be intent on setting him up to fight their Prison badass champion Boyka (Adkins) for a little money runs in exchange for his freedom. His stay at the prison might kill him, but he's going to learn some valuable life lessons too.

There are really only two reasons that this film ended up on my viewing platter. Michael Jai White and Scott Adkins. These two men have like a bajillion martial arts skills between them and putting them in a ring together gives that area of the Earth so much muscle weight that it would create a gravitational pull not unlike a planet. Honestly, I wanted to watch this film for those guys and the fights. That's basically what this film is too. Two charismatic action stars (with a lot of bad acting and dialogue between the two) beating the shit out of each other with some badass choreography. Quite frankly, I was loving every moment of it.

Don't expect too much else though, otherwise you will find yourself in a permanent eye rolling position. The cliche story elements, the over the top and knee slapping hilarious directing, and the poor script all make this film something of a bad film cornerstone in this modern age. Yet despite all of that, it does retain a lot of heart in its basic messages and in its many, many, many attempts at building something more. It very much knows that its bad, and goes over the top in pointing out its own ridiculousness (to its own benefit) but I'll be damned if I didn't care about Chambers position and find myself rooting for him all the way to the end. So something must have worked.

"Undisputed II" may not be Oscar material, but I had a blast watching it in all of its cheesy glory. Over the top, melodramatic, and with fight sequences to wet yourself over, this film is an A grade B movie masterpiece for an era where Action films and their stars are slowly dying. Definitely worth the watch, but bring the salt along to take it with.

BONUS RANT: The random Rap music used in this film is just as hilarious and over the top as the film was. Turn or closed captioning and read the lyrics as they play in the film and over the end credits. Its awesomely bad. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Escape From The Bronx (1983)

ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX

Aka "Bronx Warriors 2", "1990: Bronx Warriors II"

Despite 1990: The Bronx Warriors being a bad film, I still enjoyed it for what it was. What can I say? I enjoy a majority of the trashy films that came out of Italy in the 80's. After rewatching Bronx Warriors again I really got the inkling to watch its sequel though for some damn reason it has never gotten a North American DVD release. Come on Shriek Show! Get off your lazy asses! I actually went to eBay to purchase an old VHS when I surprisingly came across an Australian import of the disc released by Stomp Visual that is oddly enough NTSC Region 0. Yes, that's right my friends, there is a NTSC release of this "classic" sequel and after watching this lovable trash again I still can't believe it hasn't been released in the U.S.!

Escape From the Bronx takes place 10 years after the first Bronx Warriors film (thank god they didn't add the year to the title of this film!) and the Manhattan Corporation has decided to relocate all the gangs in the Bronx to New Mexico. This is of course what the seedy corporation tells people publicly but secretly they are sending in "Disinfestant Squads" (lead by genre great Henry Silva) to burn out and kill everyone who lives with in the walls of the seedy borough. Our gangs of course don't take too kindly to this so they retreat underground, all but our "hero" Trash who returns from our previous film. Trash is pissed, especially since the squads killed his parents (I assume it's his parents as they had a HUGE picture of Trash sprawled out on one of their walls). Trash, with the help of a reporter and a mercenary, make it a mission to kidnap the president of the Manhattan Corporation. Lots, and lots of violence is the result.

What I love about this film is director Enzo G. Castellari seems to be having a ball making it. He surprisingly took the original film seriously but here he decides to just have fun making a B-grade film and he loads the film with outrageous action sequences. I actually lost count at all the slow motion, violent shots and hits to people's heads there were! Our heroes even have the ability to miraculously blow up any vehicle by shooting at it from no less than a football field away! Our hero Trash even blows up a helicopter with a six shooter! Is the some of the action implausible? You bet but it sure adds to the furious fast pace of the film!

Our hero Trash is also a bit more believable here. Mark Gregory just came off a little too feminine for me to accept as a bad-ass biker gang leader but he's definitely gotten better with a few films under his belt. At least he seems to be able to walk and run like a man in this film! There is even a piece of a dialogue where guy goes "Look how he runs! He's a fag!" Is this a little nod to how he moved in the first film? If it is then I applaud Enzo for including that little in-joke! I also was really digging the new villain played by Henry Silva. This guy is so bad ass that he is introduced with the line "Fuck Headquarters! We do it my way!" Okay, okay Silva... settle down buddy! In my humble opinion he made a much more interesting and threatening villain than Vic Morrow's somewhat forgettable mercenary in Bronx Warriors.

If I had to make one complaint it is the lack of interesting secondary characters. Everyone cool in the last film was killed off (sniffle, sniffle Fred Williamson) so there isn't much here. Trash is no longer a leader of a gang so he's more of a loner so there is no interesting gang members under him. Strike, the mercenary that helps Trash, does pick up some of the slack plus fans of Italian trash will recognize him from Enzo's The New Barbarians.

Though this is technically a worse film than 1990: The Bronx Warriors, I however enjoyed it more and found it more memorable. Mark Gregory is more "tough" as our lead anti-hero and the action is much more furious and fast paced. Mix a that with a director having a sense of fun with the over-the-top material and your guaranteed to have a great time! Now some company needs to get off their ass to provide this film to fans in America! If you can't wait then there is a link below to the Australian Region 0 / NTSC DVD that I have.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982) - 2/5

 1990: The Bronx Warriors

Talk about dating your film fast by making it only take place 8 years in the future compared to the year the film was made and slapping that year in the title! Any who what we have here is a full fledged B-film from once grand director Enzo G. Castellari. Like all once great directors from Italy's golden age in the 60's and 70's, Enzo has now been reduced to making complete B-grade drivel when the 80's came rolling around. Is it non-watchable drivel? Oh hell no as I enjoy these early 80's Italian action and science fiction trash but it's still bad none-the-less.

Apparently in the year 1990 (as if you couldn't get that from the title!) the Bronx has been declared a "no man's land" and gangs are left to roam free without any following any laws or no worry of police interference. A young woman who is the daughter of the president of the "Manhattan Corporation" escapes into the Bronx since she disagrees with her father's views. Almost being killed by a roller skating gang, she gets saved by "The Riders" who is lead by a guy named "Trash". Her father in the mean time hires a mercenary called "Hammer" (Vic Morrow) to go into the Bronx to get her back.

1990: The Bronx Warriors is like a bastard combination of The Warriors and Escape From New York as all the gangs in the Bronx have their own themes. I'm talking about a roller skating gang, a biker gang, a black gang, and even a tap dancing gang. A tap dancing gang? That's a real stretch there Enzo! Hell there is even a gang with painted faces and clubs reminiscent of the baseball gang in The Warriors.

The definite highlights of the film are the real life Bronx locations which really add to the filthy backdrop to the film and of course the plethora of action sequences. The secondary characters also a hoot with some big name actors mixed with the usual Enzo stock players. Where else can you see Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, George Eastman, Christopher Connelly and Vic Morrow in the same film? This is a Italian trash lover's dream cast!

The most atrocious aspect of the film is the casting of Mark Gregory as our lead hero Trash. What the hell was Enzo thinking? This guy is a little too feminine for me to take seriously as a "bad ass leader of a biker gang." He even walks like he is gliding across water has a stick up his ass! Not only is he too FEMININE, he also can't act worth a shit and when he starts making "deep" speeches about "death" it makes me want to stick a fork in my ear.

Despite the films rather silly premises Enzo surprisingly takes this material seriously giving us plenty of unintentional laughs. Poetic lines like "Your gray matter is in your ass" will make anyone with a B-movie funny bone hit the floor laughing. Thank god for some great B-movie vets in supporting roles to make up for our lackluster gang leader. Perhaps he would have been better casted in a film about hair dressing? For a B-Italian film I found it entertaining enough but it is a far cry from Enzo's grand spaghetti western and poliziotteschi entries. Followed by "Escape From the Bronx".

 Written By Eric Reifschneider

Never Say Never Again - 1.5/5

The very existence of this film just frosts my ass. The legal battle that resulted in this un-necessary and rather arrogant remake of "Thunderball" is trite with greed and power struggles. The result of this odd legal battle results in this unofficial Bond film called "Never Say Never Again" (that's an inside joke for the return of Connery as Bond...again) which not only takes the cake as one of the most awkward Bond films but also one of the worst. Even if it is 'unofficial'.

STORYLINE: James Bond is called back from some time teaching (I'm sure that worked out well for MI6) and retraining his now older self to investigate the dealings of SPECTRE when they steal two nuclear warheads from the Americans and threaten to use them. This leads Bond to investigate into Largo (through a series of hunches) and follow the rich gamer from the Bahamas all the way to France to discover if he is in league with the ultimate evil foundation.

PLOT 2/5: The biggest problem with "Never Say Never Again" is that it is SO FREAKING AWKWARD. In fact, at times its hard to tell if this isn't a James Bond parody so much as a true Spy/Action film. The very awkward attempts at at Jazz score, the poorly written dialogue, the odd uses of soft camera lenses (that are SO OBVIOUS), the poorly developed plot lines about people trying to kill Bond...oh yeah lets stick a really loud beeping magnet to attract wired sharks that will work, and of course every other scene in the film. Yes. Every scene is just damn awkward. They try to update the plot for the 80s and strike that balance of fun humor and serious Bond that worked in the 60s but they never get it right. It just ends up awkward. A tuxedo and ball gown party with arcades that leads to a showdown between Bond and Largo playing a really intense game of Virtual Boy?! What?! Its these moments that truly make this film laughable and so hard to take seriously.

BOND 1.5/5: Connery returns as the illustrious James Bond and pretty much seems to think its a joke. Through the entire movie it seems like he's in on some joke we don't get and he portrays the character that way. He left the role for a reason (a few) and its obvious that he has moved on and really doesn't throw himself into creating the suave and cold spy again. He just floats through with the awkward dialogue and other awkward characters (what the hell is Mr. Bean doing in this film?!) and makes the film feel like a parody rather than an exciting romp.

VILLAIN 1.5/5: Largo in "Thunderball" may have been over the top but he was a badass (he has an eye patch for fuck's sake!). Largo from "Never Say Never Again" is just a pretty boy who designs video games about world domination on the side of being an evil number 2 in SPECTRE. When he starts to go crazy towards the end its rather mind numbing in how its brought about. Once again its like he's in on a private joke about the film that we don't know. What's even worse is his hench woman, Number 12. When she and Bond get into a standoff after the motorcycle chase her crazy laugh makes the scene so ridiculous you have to laugh! Then of course she goes out with a bang that's even funnier. Unintentionally though.

BOND GIRL 1/5: I feel bad for her. I really do. She gets a handful of dialogue and the rest is her looking either confused or playfully coy. That's it. Her chemistry with Bond feels forced and again, awkward. Its as if they were like, "well she was in the other movie lets just throw her in there as a damsel in distress a few times and as eye candy. We can have her almost nude in a couple scenes to be edgy! Would the audience really care about her? Nah. They don't need to. She's there for plot relevance only!" Thanks guys. No really thanks. Its nice to have that. Sigh.

If you really want a good time (of unintentional laughter and awkward moments galore) then "Never Say Never Again" is the Bond film for you. Its as if they made it to out stupify some of the Roger Moore films in the 80s instead of making their own film. Occasionally the action can be solid but that's about it. Otherwise its actors sleepwalking through their roles and a plot that's so shamefully dumb that we end up not caring about the last half hour or so. If you are willing to sit through the awkwardness of this film then I commend you. I, on the other hand, will try to forget and move on. Bring on "View To A Kill"....damnit....three in row?!

BONUS RANT: The opening title sequence just kicks off the the odd juxtaposition nicely for this film. Despite a solid and intense action sequence (one of the best scenes in the film), its completely ruined by the title song. The song is good. The scene is good. But together they ruin each other. Its like watching a sensual love scene put to the music of Slayer. Just doesn't work. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider