Big Alligator River, The (1979)

THE BIG ALLIGATOR RIVER

Aka "The Great Alligator", "Alligator"

As one can tell from my brothers “Croc of Shit Marathon” there are an insane amount of giant killer crocodile/alligator films in today’s film market, so much that it easily overflows the shitter making its way to water damaging the carpet in the bedroom. Well it’s time for me to jump into this marathon and review one of the first, if not the first giant killer croc/alligator films. For this we have to leap across the Atlantic and land in Italy, home of some of the greatest (and worst ) horror schlock cinema. Let’s see where cult director Sergio Martino’s film falls in the spectrum and giant killer croc flicks…

Just because this could possibly be the first giant killer croc movie doesn’t mean it’s necessarily original, I mean we are talking about Italian cinema here, the pioneers of ripping off more popular Hollywood films. Despite having a giant killer croc “The Big Alligator River” is a complete “Jaws” clone except in a jungle setting. A photographer travels to newly built remote resort in South America only to discover a giant killer croc/gator (whom the natives worship as a God) has reappeared and starts killing off the tourists. Will resort management listen? Oh hell no! They don’t want possible deaths to ruin their profit! Can our photographer and his new hot girlfriend (the drool worthy Barbara Bach) kill the giant beast? Will the audience still be awake before they do?

“The Big Alligator River” (one of numerous titles this film hides under, including “Alligator” but please don’t mistake this for the hellaciously entertaining 1980 film of the same name) is the third film of Sergio Martino’s jungle horror adventure 'trilogy' following “The Mountain of the Cannibal God” and “Island of the Fishmen” and is easily the least entertaining of the bunch. Whereas those flicks had plenty of trash worthy entertainment value, “The Big Alligator River” is just mostly dull with only a few absurd special effects sequences to keep attention by unintentional laughter (these ‘special’ effects could easily rival those in “The Ghost Galleon”)

I was expecting some more trash entertainment value from “The Big Alligator River” considering the cast and crew involved (I mean it’s got Mel Ferrer for Christ sake) but alas I was mostly bored throughout the running time with only Barbara Bach’s beauty and some lame special effects to hold my attention. This just proves that most giant killer croc/gator films were just as bad at the beginning of this subgenre cycle in the 70s as they are today. I will admit I will still take bad miniatures and puppets any day over todays god awful low budget CGI effects.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Black Water (2007)

Director(s): Andrew Traucki, David Nerlich
Notable Cast: Maeve Dermody, Diana Glenn, Andy Rodoreda, Ben Oxenbould

After watching the horrendous and mind numbing "Lake Placid 2", I had to find a better killer croc film for my "Croc Of Shit: Killer Croc/Gator Marathon" to redeem the genre. So I went to the friendly folks over at the I Love Horror Movies facebook group and asked them what I should watch. That's how "Black Water" ended up in this series and boy am I glad it did. Not only did this little low budget killer croc film redeem the genre, but it's the best film I've seen yet for it. Sorry "Rogue", but it looks like you were just replaced.

Lee (Dermody), her older sister Grace (Glenn), and her sister's husband (Rodoreda) seem to have it all planned out. A road trip around Australia seeing the sites and doing generally fun road trip things. You know, like a little fishing trip down a river by a little touring company. It sounded like fun. Fun until their boat is flipped by something under the water. Something that has made their guide disappear. Now the three of them are stuck fighting for their lives against the nature they were there to see.

Up shit creek without that paddle apparently

Simplicity. A term that Hollywood seems intent on destroying. Needlessly complicated plots, overzealous amounts of characters, dizzying spectacle. It's all fluff in the end. Not that its always bad, but films like "Black Water" sure do make you appreciate that saying 'less is more.' That's what this little man vs nature flick has going for it. It's a small cast whom you decidedly feel for and care about when it comes to peril and the settings amount to...one after the initial set up. Seriously. I know it might sound boring that an hour of film is dedicated to three people hanging out in a tree and wading in water by an overturned boat, but directors Traucki and Nerlich cake on the tension and atmosphere to make it work.

...and work it does. "Black Water" had me on the edge of my seat for the last two-thirds of the film. The realism of the acting (with particular nods to Dermody who owns the film and had to) is matched by the realism of the execution to make this film feel real. The lack of CGI kept it grounded and the fact that we don't even see the damn crocodile until like 40 minutes into the film (and barely until the finale) makes it even scarier. Death lurking under the water where you don't know where it is? Yeah, that's scary.

Almost...as bad as a shark fin. Almost.

"Black Water" is a simple film and it is simply awesome. The directors keep it grounded and tension packed, the acting is top notch, and the limited budget is used for maximum effect for realism. Although I'm sure some of the less attentive movie watchers might be bored with the film for its lack of 'spectacle', I found the change of pace refreshing and inspired. This film gets a blood spattered recommendation as the best killer croc film I've seen yet.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Lake Placid 2 (2007)

Director: David Flores
Notable Cast: John Schneider, Sarah LaFleur, Sam McMurray

After revisiting the first "Lake Placid" with its fun and goofy take on the killer croc genre, it was only necessary that I continue on with the franchise for the third film in my "Croc Of Sh!t: Killer Croc/Gator Marathon." By necessary, I sure mean necessary because I sure as hell wouldn't know why anyone would ever want to watch a piece of shit film like "Lake Placid 2." This film was simply awful. The plot was essentially rehashed from the first film, the characters are all paper thin excuses for human beings, the scares are forced, and the special effects are utter bottom of the barrell SyFy material. Yes, in fact, "Lake Placid 2" is a SyFy channel film. That's okay though. I have the 'unrated' version...which essentially means more nudity and more stupidity.

For new town sheriff Riley (Schneider), his visiting son is the least of his worries when a man is found dead apparently eaten. This leads a Fish And Wildlife officer Emma (LaFleur) to come and investigate and the results seem to indicate that there is a giant crocodile once again living in the region and its hungry for people.

"No one will see this movie, right? It's going on SyFy?"

I would give you more of a synopsis than the brief one above, but it would probably prevent you from reading the rest of this review. Essentially, we have another killer croc (maybe more!) that's come back to Maine to kill more people. We are lead to believe that this is the same town/lake from the first film - not that I remember it actually saying that maybe it does or doesn't, I just assume because it has a character that happens to be the sister of Betty White's character from the first film doing crazy shit - and everyone has already forgotten about the incidents from before. Which is a stretch to start with, logistically speaking. The plot then essentially retreads the first film as they investigate the incident and ultimately decide they need to catch the croc themselves with the help of another 'croc hunting expert' this time in the form of a horribly acted and over the top big game poacher who flies in on the worst CGI sea plane I've ever seen. The plot is simply by the book uninspired crap that rarely makes sense beyond its predictable beats. What new elements they do add in, including a crocodile nest and the added terror of genetically altered crocs that have been fed government reject meat, are silly and add nothing to the actual film.

Get him! Get him, big guy!

"Lake Placid 2" then decides to take this obviously patched script and build horrible executions on top of it. The acting is atrocious, the direction is basic cable crap, and the special effects are "Sliders" era 90s grade bad. I mean, the crocodiles look like something that would have been a rejected concept for a Playstation One "Crash Bandicoot" game and the 'exciting' moments are utterly ruined by the effects. It's not scary when a jerky CGI croc suddenly appears and someone gives a silly yelp. Not at all. I didn't care for the people to begin with - including our trashy teen characters caught hiking in the woods with all of their terrible dialogue - and I ended up rooting for our poorly animated crocs to kill these bastards before I tore my own eyes out.

There was a reason I originally titled this series "Croc Of Sh!t Marathon" and "Lake Placid 2" exemplifies that title with the greatest of ease. This film is awful from the first second to the last frame and I highly recommend that no one watches this...ever. Like...ever.

Written By Matt Reifschneider