Netherworld - 2/5

Netherworld is a good looking early Full Moon production that is set in the deep South. We get a thick gothic atmosphere in a setting full of lush vegetation, huge lonely manor mansions and strange brothels with ties to voodoo. Sounds like an interesting time to me. Sadly even with the films interesting setting it succumbs to a hokey script that has very little going on.

The film has a young man (Michael Bendetti, the guy that filled in for Johnny Depp after he left 21 Jump Street) inherit a huge southern manor after the father he never met dies. Arriving at the manor and meeting the two caretakers (a mother and daughter), he starts reading notes written to him by his father about how he hooked up with a voodoo priestess at the local brothel and how with his sons help, he can come back to the land of the living. Heeding the warnings of the mansion's caretakers, he heads to the brothel on multiple occasions to seek the truth about getting the father he never new back.

I have to give director David Schmoeller credit as even with a small budget, he gives the film a nice look. Schmoller is one of those directors that I always believed could have done much better as he has the talent but always had sub-par scripts to work with. Look at some of his other films like Puppet Master and Crawlspace and you can tell this guy has talent behind the camera, just not a good script book in his hands and that is the main problem with Netherworld.

The plot to this film moves at a snail's pace and it takes forever to get the story moving and it meanders to an unfulfilling climax. Our character goes to the brothel and back multiple times. Back and forth, back and forth with not much accomplished. In the basement of the brothel, weird visuals are abundant most notably a flying stone hand with snake heads on a few finger tips. This thing flies around a few times brutally killing a few people. The hand makes for an interesting visual but what purpose does it serve in the plot? NOTHING other than a cool visual. Nothing is ever explained about the hand and it only serves to be a cool aspect to throw into trailers and poster artwork to sucker people into seeing the damn film. The hand also rips off the flying silver spheres from Phantasm so the idea itself isn't even original.

Another problem is our characters, especially our secondary characters. At one point our caretaker of the house does a voodoo ritual but is blinded by our voodoo princess and thus disappears from the film completely. Why have her in the damn thing then? Her daughter is also pointless other than to serve as eye candy. Some characters are completely evil and then flip-flop becoming good at a split second with absolutely no explanation! There is also an interesting tie to the image of birds in the film but it is so poorly developed that it becomes more silly than anything.

For a Full Moon movie, this looks good and is by far one of their best looking films. With a better script this could have become a Full Moon classic but all the plot flaws makes the viewer come out more pissed off than entertained. It's a shame director David Schmoeller didn't go on to direct some decent films as he always seemed to be tied down with poor scripts provided by Charles Band. Netherworld actually marked the end of the directors long working relationship with the producer as they had a falling out. Considering the films Full Moon started churning out by the end of the decade, it was probably a good move on his part never to direct for Band again.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

2001 Maniacs: Field Of Screams - 1/5

The main issue that "2001 Maniacs" had was that it was unable to balance the Horror and Comedy in proper amounts throughout. The main issue with "2001 Maniacs: Field Of Screams" is that it fails to contain either Horror or Comedy. Perhaps its a little harsh, but this anticipated sequel to a fairly decent low budget fun cult film made its predecessor look like "The Godfather". In proper form, a sequel must always be more. Unfortunately, this one is just more idiotic from beginning to end.

Mayor Buckman (now played by cult star Moseley) finds his Pleasant Valley ghostly slaughter town in a drought. No one is falling for the tricks of old days, so he decides to take a handful of his most devious townsfolk and hit the road to gather 2001 souls to avenge his town from its civil war massacre. They end up in Iowa (hence the "Field Of Screams") where they meet up with a dimwit blond duo and film crew doing a reality TV show, an obvious take on "The Simple Life". The slaughter begins again with this new group and...well...boobs and blood fly. That's the jist of this movie.

The absurdity of the original "2001 Maniacs" was still built on a premise. This premise is generally ignored and takes a back seat to the over the top (and to be honest with you: dumb) focus of slaughtering people and showing off nudity. Unfortunately, the film also fails to realize that this can't carry the film on its own. Yet, it sticks to its guns by having ridiculous gore and nudity at every turn it can. I thought the original film was borderline porn at times, but this one goes straight there more than once. No 'slasher's have nudity' excuses here, just straight up porn like sequences. No meaning. Just there to show off some skin. Sigh.

Normally this wouldn't be SO bad, but I'll be damned if there isn't anything else to really redeem the film. The dialogue is insanely dumb and boring, the characters are flat and obviously only there to be waiting corpses, the pacing of the film is spastic at best, and the logic for the film...no...no logic found here story wise or plot progressive wise. This film is so poorly constructed is practically feels like its playing a joke on itself. And failing at it.

I'm not going to go on much more about "2001 Maniacs: Field Of Screams" because honestly I kind of want to forget about it. The first film showed so much potential for Tim Sullivan and crew, that this movie seems almost irrational when it was done and over. I feel as though I was at the butt end of a joke and didn't even know what it was. Stick with the first one and just move on with your life.

BONUS RANT: If you do happen to chance fate and watch this film and finish it, stay with the credits a little bit for a completely random and nonsensical scene that's worth the nervous laugh it will make you have. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Demonic Toys - 2/5

Demonic Toys is one of those films that I'm a little embarrassed to tell people that I enjoyed. The title and plot promise low grade entertainment and it delivers. To be honest I might have even enjoyed this little B-movie more than Full Moon Entertainment's more popular counter-part Puppet Master.

Originally made as Dangerous Toys, Full Moon no doubt changed the title to make it sound a little more schlocky, and boy oh boy does the film quality match its new schlocky title. The film opens with two cops, who also happen to be lovers, tracking down some ruthless criminals. They kill her partner, she flips out and goes suicidal wounding him and chasing the thug into a toy warehouse in the dead of night. Boy did they pick the wrong toy warehouse to go into! Get this as apparently the warehouse is built over the grave of demon and this demon wants to be reborn so he resurrects a handful of toys (a baby doll, a teddy bear, a robot and a clown jack in the box) for them to bring him the women cop so he can posses her unborn child. Now it's up to a night time security guard and a reluctant fast food delivery boy, also locked in the building, to save her and kill the demonic toys.

Like the Puppet Master franchise, our Demonic Toy character steal the show from our cast. Our baby doll character (named Baby Oopsy) is a foul mouth little bastard and though he says some pretty juvinille shit, some of it still made me chuckle. The teddy bear just growls but becomes terrifying in a schlocky way when it grows to giant size to chase our protagonists around. For me, it's the demonic clown in the jack in the box that 's my favorite as it pops out on more than one occasion to gruesomely bite people in the face. All these toys are brought to life with John Carl Buechler's equally schlocky special effects. His effects are not always the best but they definitely have a low budget charm to them.

Director Peter Manoogian handles David S. Goyer's (Blade Trilogy) silly material well by giving it some dark comedy but not ruining the streak of serious horror in the process. He is also utilizes the low budget well since the writers thought correctly for the plot to take place almost entirely in one location so the money could be used to give the film a higher quality look.

For what it is, Demonic Toys works. It's a low budget romp with enough violence, gore, and laughs to appease most B-movie fanatics. A few pieces of dialogue to make me cringe (Baby Oopsy's "I can shit my pants, can you shit your pants?" comment and how our demon character constantly refers to sex as "the nasty") but this is definitely one of Full Moon's most entertaining releases. The Demonic Toy characters returned for two cross-over sequels (Dollman vs. the Demonic Toys and Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys) before getting their own sequel in 17 years later in the simply titled Demonic Toys 2.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Demonic Toys Trailer

Two Thousand Maniacs! - 3/5

THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN chimes in the lyrics to the opening southern banjo tune so it comes as no surprise that Herschell Gordon Lewis's second entry into his distributor dubbed and unconnected "Blood Trilogy" (also including Blood Feast and Color Me Blood Red) has Lewis show the bloody horrors of the south in a somewhat silly and shocking fashion.

After the opening, catchy jingle, we are shown some southern boys in overalls putting shoddy made detour signs in the highway detouring six people into the town of Pleasant Valley where they are having a huge centennial celebration? They townsfolk treat the newcomers with joy and admiration at first and invite them to stay for free for the celebration. Unbeknown to them the celebration is for the rising of the south since their embarrassing takeover of the Yankees and they plan to murder our guests in all sorts of gruesome fashions.

Gruesome deaths is Herschell Gordon's Lewis's specialty as he shocked the world with his gore film Blood Feast the year before by showing blood and gore never before thought perceivable. He proves here again why he's the "godfather of gore" (of the 60's at least) as he pulls no punches by hitting the audience in the face with gruesome and grisly deaths. I'm talking about arm ax cutting, drawn and quartering, nail barrel rolling and rock crushing. Compared to some of today's graphic horror films this might seem a little 'tame' but for the time there was nothing more bloody and shocking than this.

Typical with Lewis's productions, the film is EXTREMELY low budget so it does have very low production values. Thankfully no sets were needed as it was filmed in and on real southern locations and Lewis makes the most of what's available to him. The sound is affected the most by the low budget is the sound as it is staticy and somewhat muffled. The acting for a low budget gore flick is actually decent and Herschell does manage to load the film up with extremely attractive women to off balance the horrific gore effects.

Compared to Lewis's previous film Blood Feast, Two Thousand Maniacs definitely is less over-the-top and campy and taken a little more seriously. Lewis also takes a supernatural slant in this film in the third act which I personally feel goes against the tone of the first two acts. Some people might actually like the supernatural slant but I felt it was out of place. I also felt the film lacked a true protagonist and all 2000 members of the town are really represented as one entity. The towns mayor could have easily been better written to give the 2000 maniacs a single face and a villain for the audience to focus on.

Two Thousand Maniacs proved to be another success for Lewis and he continued to make gore drenched low budget films but none could quite match this. Most of his other films were gore without much horror or plot but he still is able to craft a little suspense here making this a true cult classic. This film did teach me to be weary of anyone who flies a confederate flag. They just might be one of the 2000 maniacs waiting patiently for a special centennial so the south can rise again!

The film actually would be later remade in 2005 as 2001 Maniacs. I'm not sure why they changed the title by adding "1" (perhapes 2000 wasn't enough maniacs).

Written By Eric Reifschneider

2001 Maniacs - 2.5/5

The remake of this 1960s Horror classic does itself a few favors by taking the film in a decidedly humorous and tongue in cheek direction. Of course, this sabotages some of the more serious and scary elements of the film, but overall it makes "2001 Maniacs" a rather fun and campy ride into Horror schlock territory. This is a movie to be taken with some salt and ingested quickly, but it was fun while it lasted.

Although spring break is going into full swing, a group of young men and some other folk find themselves taking an odd detour on their way to Daytona beach. This detour leads them to Pleasant Valley, an old throwback town to the civil war era of the south, where they are greeted by the somewhat sleazy mayor Buckman (Englund) and invited to stay for a party and barbecue. They hesitantly stay (until the local women seem almost too inviting) and suddenly find out that they are slowly being separated and slaughtered to BE the BBQ. Not only do these young college kids have to find their way out, but they may have to get to the bottom of a legend a century in the making.

Now slashers aren't all that unique to begin with and having a remake of a cult classic doesn't add much to that either, but give Tim Sullivan some credit here, because he makes "2001 Maniacs" a rather fun and campy time. With all the cliche's of the slasher genre firmly planted into its storytelling and presentation, its no wonder that this one has already found its own cult following. This remake is chock full of gore, clever deaths (including some nice ones that are based on era like death by a cotton press), and plenty of gratuitous nudity. Not that I'm a prude by any means, but sometimes it felt to even be a little much. There is some pretty random scenes of sex towards the middle of the film that almost took the film into a soft core porn territory. Not that its all that unusual for a slasher to have some of it, but it even made me feel a little odd, forewarning.

Although this movie is quite a bit of fun with its silly dialogue, cliche characters, and over the top approach to the subject matter, it still doesn't quite reach the balance that it could have. I wanted the scary parts to be scarier and some of the atmosphere to get heavy occasionally so that it would be able alleviate some of the silliness, but that never happens in any consistent form. It does however get better towards the end with the fiery showdown (that actually shows us that Tim Sullivan can make for some exciting visual and tense moments) but it needed these moments earlier and more often.

"2001 Maniacs" does a nice job though getting that Horror Comedy formula down, but suffers from sticking to it too much. With some slightly better balancing of the scary and the humor this could have been an instant modern classic (although it already seemingly carries that title), but take this film with a grain of salt and a steady hand and its sure to be a fun watch for genre fans.

BONUS PRAISE: Eli Roth makes a random appearance towards the beginning of the film reprising his role from his own Horror/Comedy "Cabin Fever". Make note of this and enjoy this little moment that was obviously thrown in there for Horror fans and those of "Cabin Fever". 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Ghoulies III [Ghoulies Go To College] - 1.5/5

By the time Ghoulies III got made (Excuse me, the title card on the film reads Ghoulies Go to College), Charles Band's Empire Pictures had folded and Band was up and running his new company Full Moon Entertainment. Surprisingly the Ghoulies franchise moved on without his involvement. What?! A franchise about killer small creatures and Band has no involvement? I never thought he would let a concept like that get away from him! Still special effects creator and frequent Charles Band collaborator John Carl Buechler takes the reins of this sequel by both directing and doing the effects. Without Band's involvement Buechler is free to take the franchise in a new direction and he does by making it more of a comedy.

This time our three main ghoulies are resurrected by a comic book found hidden in a frat houses bathroom wall. When read aloud by a professor (the great Kevin McCarthy) that recently confiscated the comic book, they rise up from their demonic toilet to cause chaos on a college campus. Now our main character, a prankster who heads the fraternity has to earn the love back of his girl while at the same time clearing his name and stopping the Ghoulies and their new master.

Some fans may be disappointed that the franchise takes a comedic turn but to be honest fellas, the first two entries sucked and were only good for unintentional laughs. Buechler knows this and decides to have fun with the concept. He even makes a toilet, which were predominate on all the promotional posters in the series up till this point, and makes it a integral plot device. That takes talent to do that!

The characters for this type of B-picture are standard but the ghoulies are a little different. First of all the special effects are MUCH better than the first two films. The ghoulies in the original looked like toys that had been left out in the sun too long. Here they look fucking great as Buechler must have put a lot more time and effort into their creation. They also move better and even talk! Yes the ghoulies talk in this film and try to make funny one liners.

Not surprisingly most of the jokes fall flat but I did get a chuckle here and there, especially during a scene when a ghoulie grabs a beer from a fridge only to have a whole mountain of cans fall on them. Some of the humor is also rather slap sticky and cartoony, especially when they kill a women by wrapping her tongue around her neck and also killing a woman by pulling her face with a plunger.

Ghoulies III may get a few chuckles but it is still a pretty lame film but to be honest it's the least lame of a really LAME franchise. This one at least has the decency to know it's got a bad concept and doesn't take itself seriously and it has enough stupid fun for a viewing. For some damn reason this is the only film in the series that doesn't have a DVD release in the United States. Come on Lionsgate! I want to complete my Ghoulies tetralogy on DVD! I was regulated to watching an extremely wore out ex-rental VHS and I want to see my ghoulies digitally mastered!

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Ghoulies III Trailer

Nightflyers - 2/5

"Nightflyers" is another one of those 80's films that I always wanted to see just for the VHS/Poster artwork alone. After many many years I was finally able to view this seemingly lost film and it just proves how much better video artwork can be compared to the movie underneath it. Is "Nightflyers" a total waste? Absolutely not as it has a lot going for it plus it with it's interesting "Blade Runner" / 80's New Wave mish mash style and of course it also stars the gorgeous Catherine Mary Stewart. I feel in love with her when I was a kid after watching her in "Night of the Comet", "The Last Starfighter" and "Weekend at Bernie's". When the film does get to a bad stretch, it's always nice to forget about its flaws and just oogle at her beauty on screen.

"Nightflyers" is basically are more simplified, 80's new wave retelling of the last act of "2001: A Space Odyssey" without the intelligence. A group of scientists (lead by Catherine Mary Stewart) are sent out on a mission to track down an omnipotent alien life form cruising around the galaxy. While on their mission their computer goes haywire and starts killing off our crew when the ship's captain (bound to the ship by being ill and immobile, thus being the computers only friend) decides that he wants to leave.

As you can tell the plot is just a rehash of much better science fiction films. Our computer over sees our crew with a "red eye" in walls (hell Hal-2000!) and it opens pod bay doors to kill off crew and even locks crew members outside of the ship while they are in little pod like spaceships. Apparently the filmmakers can play the story off as new because they give the film a cool new wave 80's look to it.

I will give the film credit as a has a great look to it. I found the Blade Runner look and lighting mixed with 80's new wave hair, outfits and camera shots rather interesting. The look of the film did keep my attention when the plot failed to interest me. I really dug the shot at the beginning of the film with Catherine Mary Stewart's narration and it how it shows her with awesome mirrored sunglasses which reflect the rest of the crew. It's almost straight out of an 80's music video.

The cast is also good with decent acting helping the flawed plot along. I also really liked Catherine Mary Stewart's character as she was smart, courageous, beautiful and a good human being all at the same time. Actually I think this film hardened my crush on Catherin even more!

If Lionsgate ever decides to release this flawed science fiction film on DVD I would actually buy it even though I wasn't whole heartedly impressed with it. I dug the dark 80's style and the cast was great. Plus I am guaranteed to buy anything starring Catherine Mary Stewart, one of the most gorgeous actresses of the 80's if you ask my humble opinion.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Nightflyers Fan Made Trailer

Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys - 1/5

This is a film that should have been in Full Moon's classic era of B-movies (circa 1989 - 1994). Puppet Master and Demonic Toys were two of their most popular films and it would have been killer to see a proper crossover film made featuring both sets of evil toys. They made Dollman vs. the Demonic Toys instead and perhaps the shitty-ness of that film made them stray away from this film concept. B-movie fanatics dream of a Puppet Master and Demonic Toys crossover film finally got made in 2004 but don't get your hopes up folks as Full Moon didn't even make the damn thing. The biggest crossover event (okay I may be exaggerating a bit here) in horror since Freddy vs. Jason and Full Moon wasn't even involved! Yes apparently Full Moon was desperately in need for cash (when aren't they?) so they licensed out their copyrights for the material in order for, cough cough, sci fi channel to make it. NO NO NO! Not they sci fi channel! You know a franchise has hit its ultimate low and entered the ninth level of hell when it gets resorted to sci fi channel dreck! You want to hear some worse news? It stars Corey Feldman! THE HORROR, THE HORROR!

Feldman plays André Toulon's great grandson Robert Toulon and he and his wife obtained the notorious puppets at a Paris flea market (what are the chances a Toulon relative would happen across these?). Recently divorced, he and his daughter decide to reanimate them. Unbeknown to them they are being spied on by an evil toy corporation whose owner has made a deal with the devil so with the help of our Demonic Toys, she tries to get Toulon's secrets.

Even without Full Moon or Charles Bands involvement, it still was written and directed by Full Moon regulars C. Courtney Joyner and Ted Nicolaou proving the film, if Full Moon was directly involved, could have worked. Sadly with Sci Fi Channels involvement, the film comes out horrid perhaps even more than the last two FULL length Puppet Master films (I don't even want to think about Puppet Master: The Legacy).

Thanks to being made for TV, all of our typical puppet and toy mayhem and violence gets toned down to be TV friendly. So basically we get none of the fun nature of either franchise. In Demonic Toys, Baby Oopsy was known for being fowl mouth but thanks to TV limitations all we get is him saying "bitch" a lot lame sayings like "I have a job for her in my diaper." Juvenile crap.

Director Ted Nicolaou and the heads at Sci Fi also decided to make the film comical which was probably the safe approach to get viewers. However I feel this goes against both established franchises. Though they can be unintentionally funny, every Puppet Master film was taken seriously. Sure Demonic Toys contained black comedy but it also had a streak of seriousness. Not here and it basically makes a mockery of both franchises as it goes for a comedic approach.

Another aspect that will no doubt irk fans is that since Full Moon had nothing to do with this cross-over, the puppets and toys are not the original props used in the original film series. They instead are cheap, poorly made replicas and to add insult to injury, the puppets become all cyborg when Feldman fixes them up with terminator style arms and shit (Six Shooter even has laser guns) after they get damaged in a fire.

This is an insulting joke of an attempt to make a cross-over film of both series. It's so bad that even Charles Band doesn't consider this part of the official canon of either franchise despite it being the ninth entry in the Puppet Master series and the third film to feature the Demonic Toy characters. Yes it sucks but why not include it when you still consider Puppet Master: The Legacy part of the canon when it was basically a compilation of stock footage? If you weren't going to consider it part of the canon then you shouldn't have given the rights to sci fi channel to make it. Just take the money and run and pretend it didn't happen? BULLSHIT! It sucks but it STILL COUNTS! I would like to pretend that such films as Jason Goes to Hell and Howling: New Moon Rising don't exist but they do and it's just better to accept it. Count it and just ignore the plot elements in sequels to come. Other franchises do! As it is I believe even the most forgiving Full Moon fans will hate this. I did that's for sure but to be honest it's no worse than a lot of material Full Moon was pumping out at the time.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

World Is Not Enough, The (1999)

Director: Michael Apted
Notable Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Sophie Marceau, Robert Carlyle, Denise Richards, Robbie Coltrane, Judi Dench, Desmond Llewelyn, John Cleese

Here's what is wrong with "The World Is Not Enough"...okay that statement is wrong. There is A LOT wrong with "The World Is Not Enough". The jist of what undermines this entire movie is that it tries far too damn hard to be as James Bond as possible. Does that sound odd that a Bond flick tries too hard to be a Bond flick? Yeah, but its absolutely the truth for this 19th entry into the franchise. From its over the top action, logic defying plot twists, poor casting choices, and general lack of any kind of sense to realism, this Bond film feels like Roger Moore should have been in it. And just like the Moore era of Bond, "The World Is Not Enough" does strike some good moments and will entertain you, but it crumbles under any eye of scrutiny and fails to keep itself a float (no pun intended considering its final act is on a submarine).

STORYLINE: When an oil baron is killed by a cleverly set up bomb that Bond helped deliver (on accident of course), Bond is sent to protect the daughter of the late baron, Electra from a terrorist, Renard, from her past. What Bond discovers whilst shadowing the new edgy heiress leads him to believe that the plot for revenge from this terrorist towards the King family is more deeply rooted in a larger conspiracy made to kill a lot of people and corner the oil market. The real question remains, who is actually behind the plot and can Bond make the right connections in time to save a world wide catastrophe?

PLOT 2/5: The basics of the plot for "The World Is Not Enough" are actually pretty legit. The idea of a hostage situation bringing brought back to unveil some political intrigue within MI6 and the conspiracy behind the terrorist's return makes a lot of spy film sense. Unfortunately, the film does go about it in completely the wrong manner, avoiding the subtitles of the winding road of alliances and betrayals and focusing on action, action, and more action. Some of the action is exciting. The boat chase in England, the caviar factory ambush, and even the final act where a submarine turns vertical are all exciting and fun to watch. Unfortunately, most of it lacks logic and meaning. Its there for entertainment. Not for the sake of the story itself. The ski chase is redundant and silly, the boat chase is played almost as a joke in its development, and the final act suffers from poor pacing. Its a spy film that forgets about the spy aspect and goes for broke eventually breaking itself down into too many expected Bond cliche's without every twitching a muscle. Fun? Yes. Stupid? Most of the time.

BOND 3/5: Now that Bond has lost almost all of his edge, its only fitting that they go for the Moore approach of the franchise and make it cheesy. Bond gives more bad innuendos than I have ever had to hear before. Not just bad one liners. That would be too easy. Bad innuendos that barely make sense half the time. Not to mention, despite some nice details here and there like the line and reaction to whether or not Bond has lost someone he loves, that Bond seems to be at its most cheesy since Brosnan took the franchise. It hits a low point even before the credits when he submerges the boat and FIXES HIS TIE UNDERWATER. Give me a fucking break! Seriously?! Luckily, Brosnan pulls off the suave nicely and still gives us those cold moments when he needs too (no spoilers but his final scene with Electra is the best scene in the whole movie). Mostly poor writing is countered with Brosnan's charisma.

VILLAIN 2/5: This section does contain spoilers to the film. Skip if you still want to watch it. Or just say fuck it, cause it really doesn't do a great job of hiding this aspect at all, and continue on. There are two villains in this film. We have our terrorist, Renard, whose lack of physical feeling and somewhat crazy portrayal make for a solid foundation, and we have Electra, whose diabolical scheming make her the brains of the operation. Neither of these villains really come across as an equal to Bond or as a serious threat to the world. The foundations are there to make a great villainous duo, but the lack of details and motives prevent them from feeling 'dangerous' or even all that connected enough to be believable. The potential is there, but the memorability is lost is the unrealistic tone of the film.

BOND GIRL 0/5: Damn. Now Tayna Roberts has some competition for worst Bond girl EVER. Here we have Denise Richards as Christmas Jones, nuclear physicist as our Bond girl. That's right. Richards plays Dr. Christmas, a nuclear physicist. I'm not making this up. I'm not smoking crack. I'm not pulling your chain. That's seriously the Bond girl here. Not only is that the worst ideas I've ever seen put to film in a serious tone, but her acting and dialogue (hold on, what dialogue? I don't remember her talking....wait that's cause I blanked the memory to hold onto my sanity) are some of the worst that Bond has ever seen. Her chemistry with Brosnan is flat at best and her character is irrelevant. She might as well have not appeared at all. In fact, the film would have benefited from her absence. I said it. There.

Don't let my harsh words deter you from this film. Its fun. Its ridiculous. Take it with a grain of salt and go with it and enjoy it for its badness. And if you want to be really optimistic, than think of it as a way of making the other Bond films seem even better because they could have been "The World Is Not Enough". Want to know what the real kicker is here? This isn't even the low point for the Brosnan era. Whew!

BONUS RANT: This is somewhat random, but when Renard meets the head of security and the random other guy that supplies weapons (he really is pointless) at a place with ENDLESS NATURAL FIRE in the woods, I almost turned off the movie. Bond has had some really poor setting choices before ("Moonraker" is full of them) but this one might take the cake. I have no idea if this is a real place or not, but...damn. That was stupid and tacked on for no real good reason. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Bad Channels - 2/5

I have to admire the versatility of long time Charles Band collaborator Ted Nicolaou. This guy can direct dark, serious material like Subspecies and Vampire Journals and turn around and direct tongue-in-cheek sci fi comedies like TerrorVision and Bad Channels. I was a fan of the humorous TerrorVision (why that B-movie classic isn't on DVD I will never know!) so I went into Bad Channels open-minded. Though the result isn't as good as his earlier foray into the world of spoofy science fiction, it was still enjoyable enough as an early Full Moon Entertainment "classic."

Bad Channels is about an alien that comes to earth in order to shrink beautiful women to 13 inches tall, store them in bottles and take them home. Why does he want to do this? It never explains and spoofy sci fi film like this doesn't need to. Maybe he likes playing with live Barbie dolls. This alien with his little robot sidekick break into the newly started KDUL radio station in order to take it over and use the airwaves to narrow in and trap the beautiful women. Thankfully a controversial disc jockey and a bitchy news reporter are out trying to save the day.

It's nice to see a Full Moon film actually meant to be tongue-in-cheek as most of their output comes out being unintentionally funny (though I still enjoy them, from their classic era anyway). The appearance of our alien is quite hilarious with its huge bumpy helmet that looks like a turd with a port hole to see through. Some of the acting is bad but then again with a tongue-in-cheek film like this it just adds to the fun. Though has beens by this time, it's still cool to have rock legends Blue Oyster Cult doing the soundtrack. Blue Oyster Cult doing a film score, especially a low budget direct-to-video film? I never thought I would see the day.

I do have to complain as some of the film seems like Full Moon is desperately trying to self-promote heavy metal and hard rock bands they had signed to their record label Moonstone Records. Every time our alien is about to transport a girl, it seems to hypnotize her and she believes to be appearing in a music video and starts dancing with a band before being teleported. Why does this have to happen before she gets teleported? Again it never says and it just feels like shameless self promotion. These "music video" segments I like to call them are also boringly shot and the bands that are signed to Moonstone Records are not surprisingly not that good, except for a band called Sykotic Sinfoney and their quirky metal song Manic Depresso. Other than that it's pretty forgettable music mixed with lackluster "music video" shenanigans making these sequences tend to drag.

For a direct-to-video spoofy science fiction film, Bad Channels isn't that horrible. I had some fun with it even though there is little plot and it feels like it was written around to promote Full Moons record label Moonstone. It's definitely no TerrorVision but those better earlier Empire Film days will never be again. Make sure to stay tuned after the opening credits to see a cameo with Dollman (another Full Moon film). Actually a character in this film would return later into the Full Moon crossover Dollman vs. the Demonic Toys.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Bad Channels Trailer