Island of the Living Dead (2006)

ISLAND OF THE LIVING DEAD

When it comes to Italian cult cinema, one name is synonymous with trash entertainment. That name would be none other than Vincent Dawn…errr…. I mean Bruno Mattei. This guy has seriously made hack film-making into an art form with his ham-fisted laugh-fests “Hell of the Living Dead” and “Rats: Night of Terror”. It’s no wonder the man has gained a cult following over the years. Up until viewing “Island of the Living Dead”, I was only familiar with his 80s offerings like the aforementioned films along with the likes of “The Other Hell”, “Strike Commando” and “Robowar”; I enjoyed them immensely but I never followed his career out of the 80s. For one thing, his films were poorly distributed; another reason is that all Italian filmmakers floundered after the era of grunge rock came calling. I was hesitant when news arrived that Severin films was going to unleash Bruno's final two films before his death for the first time in America. The soap opera production values in the trailer shied me away, and I just couldn’t believe that after all these years Bruno would still have the magic to make the kind of enjoyable, trashy films he so wonderfully cultivated in the 80s. After some convincing from my friend, Russell, I decided to plop some money down and give the films a shot… and you know what? He was right—digital camera-look aside, this is still the Bruno we all know and love.

We open in an island in the South Pacific where a zombie outbreak has occurred (mixed with vampire facets because… uh, they can, I guess) due to the arrival of some Spanish conquistadors. We jump ahead to modern times, and a group of treasure hunters (who just hilariously lost the treasure of a lifetime) happen upon a hidden island in the fog. This is, of course, our island of the title, and it’s not long before our rag-tag team of treasure hunters are on the run from a zombie horde with vampire teeth and even a few ghosts along the way.

All the Bruno trademarks are here from stock footage (looking like most was taken from an old pirate film), blatant references to other films (most notably the 'they're coming to get you, Barbara' sequence from George Romero’s “Night of the Living Dead” and the rising, sheet-wrapped corpses from Lucio Fulci’s “Zombie”), exaggerated facial expressions, asinine dialogue and delivery, and abrupt scene transitions and tone. Hell, Mattei even rips himself off by having a character throw himself in harm’s way on purpose, just like in “Hell of the Living Dead”, by telling zombies to bite his arm. The one thing I had trouble accepting, even going into the picture forth-knowing, is the extremely cheap digital look to the film, as this seriously looks like a daytime soap opera.

“Island of the Living Dead” proves that Mr. Mattei still had the 'magic' to make entertaining trash-fests late in his career with this outlandish attempt by him to return to the zombie genre. On the surface, this is bad as a movie can get—on par with something made for the SyFy channel—but Mattei’s direction adds extra spice to the mix, making a film so enjoyably bad that only the likes of him could create. If only it had the lovable film stock look of his classic films as opposed to the nasty, cheap “shot-on-digital” semblance to the picture, this would be as entertaining as “Hell of the Living Dead”. Though poorly distributed, it was followed by a sequel called “Zombies: The Beginning” which it was shot congruently with.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Last Shark, The (1981)

THE LAST SHARK

Aka "Great White", "The Last Jaws", "Jaws Returns"

I have seen countless “Jaws” rip-offs in my time but never one that actually got BANNED due to the fact. Yes Enzo G. Castellari’s 1981 Italian horror opus “The Last Shark” got a brief one week release in the United States under the title “Great White” before being pulled from theaters thanks to Universal filling an injunction getting it banned from the United States for copyright infringement due to numerous scenes stolen, or 'copied', from their films “Jaws” and “Jaws 2”. This unwanted attention the film garnered made it a staple for every cult film fanatic to hunt down, I mean how many films actually get banned in the United States? After finally seeing the picture I can honestly say it is hands down the biggest “Jaws” clone I have ever seen… and I have seen a lot! What else should I expect for a film that actually got banned for the fact…

 

The plot will sound a wee bit familiar as a small coastal community has an unwelcome visitor in the form of a giant great white shark who starts to eat local swimmers and fishermen. A local writer (James Fanciscus – substituting for Roy Schieder) and fisherman (Vic Morrow – substituting for Robert Shaw) know in their gut it’s a great white but the local government officials won’t have any of it as the news of a shark would hurt the communities profits (sound familiar?). So it’s on with a a wind surfing competition (mimicking the boat race in “Jaws 2”) and predictably it becomes a blood bath and our two heroes have to head out to sea to kill the beast before it digests the entire cast.

 

Saying “The Last Shark” is a “Jaws” rip-off is an understatement of the century. If one would play a drinking contest and take a swig every time a scene was stolen from “Jaws” or “Jaws 2” then they would die of liver failure before the end of the picture. A mayor turning a blind eye to the situation: check, Robert Shaw-esque fish hunter: check, shark pulling around a pontoon-like floating device to mimic yellow barrels in “Jaws”: check, main character’s child being threatened by the beast: check, bombastic repetitive ‘monster is coming’ score: check, mechanical shark head popping out of the water: check. Hell Jaws even takes down a fucking helicopter ala “Jaws 2”… just not as well executed and ‘believable’. So just a kind warning – don’t play a drinking game to “The Last Shark”.

 

The cast is of unusual high caliber, even if it made up of fading Hollywood stars. James Fanciscus (“Beneath the Planet of the Apes”, “The Cat O’Nine Tails”) is great as always but Vic Marrow (who was later tragically killed on the set of “Twilight Zone: The Movie”), looking like a Robert Shaw clone, is a little confused, having his character change from an Irish accent to Brooklyn accent throughout the picture causing for some unintentional laughter. Many of the rest of the cast is full of seasoned Enzo G. Castellari veterans and Italian cult fanatics will had fun playing ‘spot the character actor’.

 

Castellari has made it clear in interviews that he was never a fan of horror films but when the Italian film market started to gear towards the horror genre in the late 70s, away from the Spaghetti Westerns and crime thrillers he was comfortable with, he had to change in order to keep a job and it’s obvious he’s not comfortable in the genre. Castellari just isn’t able to craft any real horror suspense and he shoe horns in very odd action/stunt sequences into he film more suited for his action/western pictures of the past (though surf boards exploding into the air due to a shark attack is quite humorous).

 

When the shark is finally revealed my wife let out a huge chuckle, but in all honesty for a low budget Italian flm the mechanical shark didn’t look all that bad. It’s just perhaps they show it TOO much ( like “Jaws: The Revenge”) and having the damn thing roar (again like “Jaws: The Revenge) is just ludicrous dipping the film into camp territory. The miniature effects do leave a lot to be desired (like many Italian films) and the destruction of the model helicopter will sure to have any cult knock-off film buff hit the floor laughing.

 

“The Last Shark” has the reputation of being the biggest “Jaws” rip-off of all time and it thankfully lived up to that lovely prestige stapled to its fin. Viewers will no doubt have feeling of deja view as they watch numerous scenes lifted from more popular American counterparts but there’s enough B-movie mayhem and entertainment to make this worth watching. Hey in all honesty I can say I enjoyed it more than both “Jaws III” and the lamentable “Jaws: The Revenge”. I just find it ironic that the film would be released as part of the “Jaws” franchise in various foreign countries, even being retitled as “Jaws Returns” in Japan. Take that Universal! For years more people had heard about this nortorious picture than had actually seen but thanks to a little cult label called Retrovision Entertainment finding a loop hole in the legal system, “The Last Shark” has finally been given it’s first ever official home video release in the United States for all us cult film fanatics to finally see. So throw away your crummy bootlegs and support this wonderful DVD label!

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Big Alligator River, The (1979)

THE BIG ALLIGATOR RIVER

Aka "The Great Alligator", "Alligator"

As one can tell from my brothers “Croc of Shit Marathon” there are an insane amount of giant killer crocodile/alligator films in today’s film market, so much that it easily overflows the shitter making its way to water damaging the carpet in the bedroom. Well it’s time for me to jump into this marathon and review one of the first, if not the first giant killer croc/alligator films. For this we have to leap across the Atlantic and land in Italy, home of some of the greatest (and worst ) horror schlock cinema. Let’s see where cult director Sergio Martino’s film falls in the spectrum and giant killer croc flicks…

Just because this could possibly be the first giant killer croc movie doesn’t mean it’s necessarily original, I mean we are talking about Italian cinema here, the pioneers of ripping off more popular Hollywood films. Despite having a giant killer croc “The Big Alligator River” is a complete “Jaws” clone except in a jungle setting. A photographer travels to newly built remote resort in South America only to discover a giant killer croc/gator (whom the natives worship as a God) has reappeared and starts killing off the tourists. Will resort management listen? Oh hell no! They don’t want possible deaths to ruin their profit! Can our photographer and his new hot girlfriend (the drool worthy Barbara Bach) kill the giant beast? Will the audience still be awake before they do?

“The Big Alligator River” (one of numerous titles this film hides under, including “Alligator” but please don’t mistake this for the hellaciously entertaining 1980 film of the same name) is the third film of Sergio Martino’s jungle horror adventure 'trilogy' following “The Mountain of the Cannibal God” and “Island of the Fishmen” and is easily the least entertaining of the bunch. Whereas those flicks had plenty of trash worthy entertainment value, “The Big Alligator River” is just mostly dull with only a few absurd special effects sequences to keep attention by unintentional laughter (these ‘special’ effects could easily rival those in “The Ghost Galleon”)

I was expecting some more trash entertainment value from “The Big Alligator River” considering the cast and crew involved (I mean it’s got Mel Ferrer for Christ sake) but alas I was mostly bored throughout the running time with only Barbara Bach’s beauty and some lame special effects to hold my attention. This just proves that most giant killer croc/gator films were just as bad at the beginning of this subgenre cycle in the 70s as they are today. I will admit I will still take bad miniatures and puppets any day over todays god awful low budget CGI effects.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Tentacles (1977)

TENTACLES

Still living the high life off the profits he made with his blatant “Exorcist” rip-off “Beyond the Door”, Italian producer/director Ovidio de Assonitis saw another golden opportunity to make some quick cash when Steven Spielberg’s “Jaws” chomped its way through all the box office records. So he quickly slapped together a script, signed some fading Hollywood stars in need for some dough and set out to make yet another cheap-jack poorly structured Italian knock-off.

The plot is essentially the same as “Jaws” only substituting the giant shark with a giant octopus (or squid as some actors incorrectly call it). In a small coastal community corpses start emerging with all the flesh suckled off the bones. A journalist (John Houston) suspects a local controversial drilling operation holds the key to the deaths but soon the town has to turn to a famed oceanographer (Bo Hopkins) as he discovers a underwater monster is responsible.

The whole plot is a complete mess as Ovidio seems more concerned with loading the screen up with famous actors as opposed to characters the audience can follow. The film starts off as if it’s going to follow the journalist character but halfway through the film shifts gears focusing on the oceanographer with the journalist barely making an appearance. The subplot with Shelly Winters and her son is nothing more than pointless padding and don’t even get me started on the Henry Fonda corporate conspiracy subplot that absolutely goes nowhere.

The special effects can be fair at some moments but overall they are quite laughable, especially with poor minitures and obvious killer whale sock puppets attacking the sea beast at the end. Still the unintentional laugher due to the effects can hold attention over the dull and poorly paced plot structure that jumps all over the place only loosly tied tighter by a silly electronic soundtrack trying desperately to emulate John Williams legendary “Jaws” theme.

There are some enjoyable “Jaws” knock-offs out there, especially Joe Dante’s “Piranha”, but “Tentacles” isn’t one of them. The polished production values and high caliber cast are only a façade to mask its true incompetent nature. It’s good for a few laughes but poor plot structure, padding, character arcs, and overall lack of bloodshed makes this a trying experience for even the most forgiving of Eurotrash fans.

 Written By Eric Reifschneider

Patrick Still Lives (1980)

PATRICK STILL LIVES

The 1978 Australian produced horror film “Patrick” was a modest hit around the world, especially in the continent of Europe. The Italians, the masters of rip-offs and unofficial sequels that they are, decided to cash in thus produced this poorly constructed follow-up. It’s from the makers of the zombie trashfest “Burial Ground” so we know this is going to be one sleazy and contemptible time.

Despite the title, the original character Patrick does not return thus does not ‘still live’. We get completely different guy as a completely different coma victim. How did he come to be in a coma you ask? Well someone threw object out their car window hitting him in the face in a thigh slappingly silly scene. A mad doctor finds out that our Patrick stand-in has psychic abilities and invites some of his enemies to his hospital for Patrick to dispose of in all sorts of grisly ways. When ‘Patrick’ isn’t killing and causing people to see his floating eyes, he’s busy raping the sexy receptionist.

Our 'new' Patrick after hilariously getting hit in the face

Everyone behind this lame film is a complete hack – as in a capital H.A.C.K. They take the basic premises of the original and load up on the gore and nudity. Seriously the uncut version of the film borderlines on pornographic when it comes to amounts of skin. The kills are also especially grisly, namely a scene where a women gets skewered through the vagina and out her mouth with a floating metal rod. Damn Patrick has a disgusting mind!

This Italian imposter is no comparison to the guy in the original

In the midst of the graphic violence and nudity, director Mario Landi creates plenty of unintentional laughs with odd color lighting and hokey effects. Seeing eyes floating around the hospital is especially laughable. The guy he casted as our ‘Patrick’ stand-in also fails to make an impression. He apparently is a popular Italian pop star but he lacks the hypnotic and terrifying eyes of the original guy that could wring out your soul

Typical with Italian films you can play 'spot the J&B bottle'

“Patrick Still Lives” is the eurotrash version of its Australian counterpart with schlocky filmmakers loading up on gore, sex and nudity to make a quick buck. It’s just a cheesy and all around poorly made film. Does that mean it’s not worth a watch? Hell no as there is an audience for unintentional funny sleaze like this. It just wasn’t made for people who loved the original film thus they miss their target audience they were trying to attract. Plain and simple people who loved “Patrick” are going ot hate “Patrick Still Lives” and vice versa. Even Richard Franklin, director of the original film, was disgusted by this cash-in. That my friend makes it worth at least a watch in my book.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Alien from the Deep (1989) - 2/5

Italian Antonio Magaretti is quickly becoming my all time favorite guilty pleasure directors. Unlike his director brethren Mario Bava and Dario Argento, Magaretti wasn't concerned about making critically acclaimed genre films. He was perfectly happy making B-movies and B-moves he made well. I can honestly say I was never not entertained by any of his pictures, no matter what genre. "Alien from the Deep" proves that even at the tail end of his career, even with the Italian film market floundering, that he was still able to craft likeable B-movie adventures.

Like a number of his later films "Alien From the Deep" takes an environmental slant when two members of green peace sneak onto an island in order to video tape footage of a corporation dumping toxic waste into a volcano (well shit, that can't be good). Out of nowhere an alien meteor crash-lands in lake near the volcano and soon an alien breaks loose, causing lots of explosions and death.

The plot structure of this film is extremely awkward. It starts off like typical Magaretti jungle adventure with Macaroni Combat influences sprinkled in then at the 45 minute mark, an alien shows up. I literally forgot there was even supposed to be an Alien in it all by the time it fucking made its appearance!

Due to the Alien not showing up until halfway through, the last half is on fast forward as all the plot elements about the Alien are quickly thrown at the audience. We literally learn that it's bio-mechanical, immune to almost everything and only harmed by hydrogen in a matter of minutes.

Typical with Magaretti films the special effects are rather shotty but loveable at the same time. We get poor miniatures and the Alien is mostly shown as a giant 'claw' that likes to squeeze people and then let it's slime mutate their skin. When the full alien is revealed in the climax it's obviously influenced by the final confrontation in James Cameron's "Aliens". Our sexy heroin clad in underwear (a tribute to Sigourney Weaver in "Alien") fights the beast with a construction loader, similar to the forklift battle in "Aliens".

The cast is all likeable, despite having silly dialogue to spout out at each other. Julia McKay is lovely to look at and her love interest Bob (Daniel Bosch), a snake farmer forced to aid her in her quest, is surprisingly charming. Of course veteran American actor Charles Napier steals the show as Col. Kovacks, the leader of the illegal dumping operation. He, like most bad ass American actors in Margaretti films, is underused and isn't given much to do other than bark orders over computer consuls.

"Alien from the Deep" is an enjoyable B-movie venture. Good? Hell no (mostly due to its odd story structure) but it has that loveable Magaretti charm that his films always endure. I put off buying "Alien from the Deep" due to its steep retail price on DVD ($26.99!) but scored a used copy for less than half that. For me it was worth the cash and it will be for you too if you enjoy Italian trash.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Scorpion with Two Tails, The [Murder in an Etruscan Cemetery] (1982) - 2/5

Sergio Martino is hands down one of the best directors in the Giallo genre. Look at this guys credentials: "The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh", "The Case of the Scorpion's Tail", "All the Colors of the Dark", " Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key", and "Torso". These are all fantastic Gialli and makes Martino a contender with Argento and Bava for master of the genre. A Giallo he directed that never makes the list is "Scorpion with Two Tails".... and for good fucking reason.

A young women starts having visions of her archeologist husband being killed and soon it happens for real, just like in her dream. She travels to Europe to find clues and discovers a connection between the newly excavated Etruscan tomb and the head twisting murders occurring all around her.

The plot would have been an interesting mix of Giallo and supernatural horror if it weren't for the poor execution. "Scorpion with Two Tails" (also released as " Murder in an Etruscan Cemetery") was originally intended as a two part television made movie before producers at the last minute decided to make it theatrical feature. The film suffers from this decision as the plot is haphazardly cut up in order to fit a 90 minute running time as opposed to 200. Even once Giallo specialist Ernesto Gastaldi can't get this plot to be anything remotely interesting, no matter how many scenes of maggots or head turnings they write in.

Sergio Martino's direction also has a terrible, made-for-TV look about it. His direction is subdued, almost non-existent. By this time Martino stopped using the 2.35:1 widescreen ratio to shoot his films in and thus out the window went his unique camera angles and fast editing. Due to this the film looks sloppy, cheap and rushed. Hell even the score by Fabio Frizzi is recycled from previous films he has worked on, most notably "City of the Living Dead".

The cast is full of recognizable multi-national Euro cult faces, including John Saxon ("A Nightmare on Elm Street", "Cannibal Apocalypse"), Paolo Malco ("House by the Cemetery", "New York Ripper"), Claudio Cassinelli ("Mountain of the Cannibal God", "Island of the Fishmen") and even Franco Garofalo ("Hell of the Living Dead", "The Other Hell") just to name a few. Even with all these notable actors it doesn't make this forgettable Giallo worthwhile.

Martino will always be a master of the Giallo genre but "Scorpion with Two Tails" was made at a time when his career was starting to wallow. Hell he even decided to use the pseudonym Christian Plummer to hide him from this boring disappointment. This just lacks the wonderful stylistic edge he had earlier in his career and it lacks the trashy entertainment value of his films to come ("2019: After the Fall of New York", "Hands of Steel"). Due to similar titles people often confuse "Scorpion with Two Tails" with Martino's masterful 1972 Giallo "The Case of the Scorpion's Tail". Do not, I repeat, DO NOT confuse "Case of the Scorpion's Tail" with this tedious and weary example of the genre.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Primal Rage (1988) - 2/5

Despite the amazing poster artwork, I went into "Primal Rage" expecting a complete dog turd. Why is that? Well it's due to the fact that it's a late 80s Italian horror film and that era of Italian Horror is generally not well regarded and for good reason. Second it's a late 80's Italian horror film filmed in America with actual live sound (no dubbing) so right away I had horror flashbacks to "Killing Birds" and "Troll 2", crummy American shot Italian horror films made the same way. To be honest, "Primal Rage" actually surprised me by not being a terrible late 80s Italian Horror film, but keep in mind it is still from the end of the decade so it's still not going to be good.

After a crummy title sequence (with the title "Primal Rage" appearing on the back of two female butts marching to the beat of an awful 80s pop song) the audience is told it takes place on an unnamed college campus. Here some overzealous student reporters break into a scientific lab where one of the culprits gets bit by an experimental monkey. He of course develops some kind of "rabies" like disease that brings out the 'primal rage' in his soul and he starts brutally murdering and biting students, spreading the contagion. Can his best friend stop him before it spreads? Trust me, "28 Days Later" this ain't.

As you can tell the plot is nothing we horror fans haven't seen before but that should be expected since screenwriter Umberto Lenzi (under the pseudonym Harry Kirkpatrick) was in a deep valley this stage of his career. Still, even with such a derivative plot, "Primal Rage" comes out far better than anything Lenzi directed himself at this time.

Lenzi also injects a few instances into his script that drive me complete bonkers. First of all why is it when anyone comes down with this disease they refuse to see a doctor or get medical help? Hell I know doctor visits are expensive as hell but when you have blood blisters exploding from your face and blood spewing from your finger nails I think money wouldn't be a matter! Also one of our characters kills an infected person and then burns down his house and the police buy it as an accident. I guess C.S.I wasn't near as accurate back in those days (hmmm... what's this bullet doing lodged in the wall... ah it's nothing. Death caused by smoking bed).

The acting is surprisingly decent for low budget Italian affair, especially since most of the actors are rather green. The only veteran in the cast is B-movie veteran Bo Svenson as our scientist, sporting an awful rat-tail that made me want to yank off violently. The real attraction for this rather obscure film is the good special effects as there is plenty of blood spewing good moments for gore hounds.

"Primal Rage" may have a derivative plot, insane plot devices and plenty of puke inducing 80s pop songs on the soundtrack but the nifty special effects and decent acting kept me interested throughout the running time. That in itself is a feat considering this is a late 80's Italian horror film. Perhaps if the film lived up more to its title it would have become more of a cult classic rather than disappearing into obscurity. The DVD release of "Primal Rage" from Code Red went quickly out-of-print, no doubt because it was a poor seller on DVD. I was lucky enough to snatch one up before it did. For people curious the DVD is wonderful if you can find it for a good price.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Dinner with a Vampire (1986) - 2.5/5

What we have here is the fourth and final full length TV made film by Lamberto Bava for his cable show "Brivido Giallo" (preceded by "Graveyard Disturbance", "Until Death" and "The Ogre"). Bava goes for a more comical approach to the horror, much like his first film in the series "Graveyard Disturbance." I am proud to exclaim that this time around the result is better, if not still seriously flawed by its botched comical approach.

Well we have four wanna-be actors audition for roles in a new horror film by a renowned and reclusive director. They are invited to his castle for a rehearsal and dinner and thanks to the title we know he is a vampire, a vampire sick of living. You see his human side is bored with life and wants to die but his vampire half won't allow suicide as an option so our four hand-picked numbskulls have the night to figure out how to kill the bastard before coming a midnight snack.

Like "Graveyard Disturbance" Bava attempts to mix Italian horror with a teen comedy and the result is a little shaky, but overall a better film product than his previous outing. Much like "Graveyard Disturbance" most of the humor falls flat, and makes one groan more in agony instead of laughing. These four numskulls that our vampire "carefully selected" are absolute dip-shits. I mean if he truly wanted to die then wouldn't he have picked some intelligent horror fanatics with knowledge about vampirism and not airheaded dancers and singers?

Lamberto Bava's wonderful style still shows through its TV production limitations as the film is gorgeous to look at. Bava, like his father Mario and teacher Dario Argento, had a knack for style. The castle location the film was shot at is also beautiful and bizarre, definitely not the typical castle interior with its complex tile designs. Not your typical gothic castle which is a breath of fresh air.

The cast is mostly made up of no-bodies but two really shine. The first is Patrizia Pellegrino, and absolute gorgeous blond Italian pop singer doing this acting gig on the side. She plays, what else, but a singer. Though acting is not her strong point, at least she was great eye candy. The actor that really steals the show is George Hilton, a famous Italian actor mostly known for his Spaghetti Westerns and Gialli throughout the 60s and 70s. He had all but disappeared from the Italian film market by 1986 so it's great to see him back in action, and having a ball doing it.

Though seriously flawed by its failed teen comedy and horror mixture, "Dinner with a Vampire" was still a lot of fun. Bava's wonderful style, despite TV movie limitations, really shines and George Hilton seems to be having a wonderful time hamming it up as a vampire that wants to die. Mix that with another catchy score by Simon Boswell (even re-using a song from "Graveyard Disturbance") and some nifty special effects and you have a really obscure Italian horror feature that should appease fans of Euro cult films.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Cemetery Man [Dellamorte Dellamore] - 4.5/5

Let me be frank for one moment and just say that my expectations were not that high for "Cemetery Man". I'm not a particular fan of Italian genre films (great directors, horrible scripts) and the rather odd and confusing plot for this film didn't quite jive with my usual tastes. On my brother's repetitive request, I finally broke down and watched this oddity of a film. It blew me away. Quirky, unusual, and completely off the wall aptly describe the film, but the terms efficient, expertly written, and hilarious also describe my experience with "Cemetery Man". A combination that is as lethal in its smarts as it is in style, creating one of my new all time favorite films.

Francesco Dellamorte (Everett) is the grave keeper for a rather small town whose inhabitants are as quaint as can be. Dellamorte and his assistant Gnagi, a bald and rather mentally feeble man, are finding recent times tough. As of late, the dead being buried in the cemetery are coming back to life as zombies only to be dispatched with a blow to the head from his trusty pistol or spade. Afraid of losing his job, he tells no one. When the love of his life appears to mourn her recently lost husband, Dellamorte finds himself spiraling into a world where the living and the dead aren't as different as he thought.

What a strange fucking movie. From its odd beginning and quick introduction to our basic premise and our two protagonists to its mind twisting final act of nightmarish left turns, "Cemetery Man" is a film that's build on that Italian style of illogical plot leaps, but remains completely manageable due to expertly quirky writing/dialogue and a visual style that is piled on in heaps. The film is just fascinating to watch visually as it is to dissect its symbolic plot. This combination of eyebrow lifting mind bends in plot and hilarious situational black humor is perfectly balanced.


Similar to a style that Peter Jackson used in his early career with "Dead Alive" and to an extent on films like "The Frighteners", this film isn't afraid to blend horror, comedy, and drama  into a frappe of entertainment. Everett gives a more than solid performance in the lead with his subtle and often hilarious narration highlighting some of the great moments of the film. Add to that a supporting cast that only raises the ante of his performance (including a heart tugging and quirky performance for his assistant) and special effects to pine over - including a killer looking reaper and plenty of goofy zombie action - this film rocks it on screen with delight.

It must also be mentioned that director Michele Soavi matches the oddity of this script with some of the most clever and unusual directorial work I've seen in a long time. Shots that pull back through TVs, reflection shots off of cemetery puddles, and even a flying zombie head shot where the camera is set in its mouth (oh hell yeah) are all here in abundance. He takes this off the wall script and transferring it to screen with precision.

If you are looking for an off-beat horror/comedy that balances its genres to near perfection and boasts some of the best quotes in decades, than "Cemetery Man" is a must see. It's disturbing, violent, and visually effective all the while being funny as hell. An instant classic.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (1985) - 2/5

The bloodgate of Italian Cannibal films came to a close in the early1980s but a few did trickle into cinemas throughout the rest of the decade. One of these was "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" (released in the U.K. as "Cannibal Ferox II"), a film I like to refer to as more 'jungle trash' as the plot has to do with a lot more trashy elements then merely cannibals.

We get Michael Sopkiw, yes the guy from the loveable cheesefest "2010: After the Fall of New York", playing a cocky paleontologist hunting for dinosaur bones in South America. He buys his way onto a flight that is going through Dinosaur Valley, a dangerous and restricted area brimming with valuable dinosaur bones. Predictably the plane crashes and our 'hero' has to lead the survivors to safety while sneaking past cannibal tribes, sadistic slave drivers all while trying to not clash heads with a Vietnam vet survivalists.

"Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" is an exploitation film with a capital 'E'. Exploitation is the name of the game in this horror/adventure film as it is brimming with gore and gratuitous nudity. Director Michele Massimo Tarantini throws everything he can think off into the mix to ensure this is the most deadly jungle adventure ever. I'm talking about piranha, alligators, leeches, psychotic Vietnam vets, quick sand, cannibals, lesbians and even rapist slave traders into the mix! All this insures this exploitation adventure is never going to be dull, that's for sure.

Director Michele Massimo Tarantini was known for directing sex comedies in the 1970s and he brings his knack for comedy into the exploitation genre as I actually found "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" quite hilarious. Sure many of the laughs were unintentional but I can honestly say I never thought I would laugh this much at an Italian 'cannibal' film.

Michael Sopkiw, though only a veteran of a total of 4 Italian films, really shines here. His previous cornball outings were all serious but the director here allows his humor to show through. Sopkiw is charming, funny and courageous as the lead making the character actually likeable and worth rooting for, a notion usually lacking in these exploitation efforts.

Is "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" trash? Sure it is, but damn if I can't say it's tasty trash. It's got all the enjoyable exploitation elements cult fans enjoy without going overboard and director Michaele Massimo Tarantini keeps his tongue firmly pressed in his cheek while having the film move at a brisk pace. Sopkiw shines as our likeable hero making this a highly enjoyable exploitation romp. Oh, and forgot the U.K. title "Cannibal Ferox II" as this has nothing to with that Umberto Lenzi shock-fest.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Zombi Holocaust [Doctor Butcher M.D.] (1980) - 2/5

In the late 70's zombie and cannibal films ruled Italian Horror cinema. Lucio Fulci's "Zombi 2" and Ruggero Deodato's "Cannibal Holocaust" shocked and awed cult audiences and in turn were huge underground successes. Well director Marino Girolami got the notion that he could make a helluva profit by combining the genres so he made "Zombi Holocaust" (sometimes spelled "Zombie Holocaust"), the unholy amalgamation of "Zombi 2" and "Cannibal Holocaust". The result, though silly fun, only nips at the heels of the two films it unsuccessfully tries to combine.

Like "Zombi 2", the film opens in New York with a cannibal, that somehow got a job working in a hospital (?!), stealing and eating various body parts. He of course gets caught so a local nurse, that just happens to have an interest in anthropology of cannibal tribes (what?!). So a university anthropologist (Ian McCulloch, playing a very similar role he did in "Zombi 2") teams up with our nurse (why is she going along again?) and a couple of reporters to travel to a remote Caribbean island (sound familiar?) to track down the cannibal tribe and a mad doctor that is creating zombies.

This is a real clusterfuck of a film but that's part of what makes it so damn much fun. How did a cannibal infiltrate into a job at a big city hospital? Why is a nurse so into cannibal anthropology and why would she risk her life to travel to a remote island? Why is a mad scientist creating zombies on a cannibal island? It's all given ridiculous explanations but again that just adds to convivial nature of the film.

Italian horror fanatics will definitely get a case of déjà vu as this royally rip-off Fulci's wonderful "Zombi 2". Everything from the plot to the damn cast. Hell Girolami even films in the same location and sets! I shit you not! There is even a quick stock footage shot of a driving scene from "Zombi 2" and even a short stock scene like this shows how much visual style Girolami lacks compared genre greats like Lucio Fulci. Yes sadly Girolami lacks a keen visual eye as the film does have a flat, cheap look about it.

Gore fanatics will get an eye full (no pun intended) as this is a blood feast. How could it not be with combining both the zombie and cannibal subgenres? Open skull surgeries, graphic cannibal eating and even a zombie death with a boat motor to the head. Yea, gore fans will find plenty to sink their teeth into. We even get to see the luscious Alexandra Delli Colli nude, with island locals painting flowers all over drool worthy body in a scene similar in nature to the nude painting of Ursula Andress in "Mountain of the Cannibal God."

"Zombi Holocaust" awkwardly combines both the zombie and cannibal Italian subgenre's and isn't wholly successful at it, mostly due to stealing far too much from Fulci's "Zombi 2" and for the fact that director Girolami lacks a visual eye. For what it is though (a bottom feeder that is only made up of shocking scenes done better in previous, better horror films) this is a still a must see for gore fanatics. U.S. distributors however didn't know how to market the weird cannibal/zombie plot so the film was retitled "Doctor Butcher M.D." with poster artwork and trailers that falsely made it look like a slasher film with a mad doctor making house calls and butchering patients.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Eaten Alive! (1980) - 1.5/5

By 1980 the gore was flowing thick off of grindhouse cinema screens as the Italian Cannibal subgenre was in full force thanks to Sergio Martino's "Mountain of the Cannibal God" and Ruggero Deodato "Last Cannibal World" being modest hits with audiences that demanded to be shocked and disgusted. With the Cannibal subgenre being in high demand director Umberto Lenzi decided to revisit the genre he created eight years earlier with "Man from Deep River." Unlike "Mountain of the Cannibal God" and "Last Cannibal World" which had respectable qualities about them, Umberto Lenzi goes the trashy approach to the gives audiences a stock footage filled cheap cash-in, barely eking above such atrocious entries as "Cannibals" and "Cannibal Terror".

The film opens oddly enough in major cities in the U.S. where a wild jungle man is running around killing guys with poisoned darts before getting hit by a bus (cue in unintentional laughter). In his pocket he has the name of a missing women so the authorities notify her sexy Southern Bell sister. She takes it upon herself to travel to Berma, hire a borderline psychotic ex-Vietnam vet, and then trek into the jungle to find her sister that's being held captive by a sadistic cult leader. The kicker... the jungle surrounding the cult's compound is full of cannibals making escape nearly impossible.

What gets me is this film could have been SO MUCH BETTER. "Mountain of the Cannibal God", though not a great film, was competently made and "Last Cannibal World" is actually a good film with Deodato taking a gritty, realistic edge to the subject matter. Not Lenzi. He doesn't even act like he's having fun with the over-the-top subject matter, it just comes off more like he didn't give a shit and only rode the coattails of the genre he created to make a quick buck. His direction is sloppy, the writing is haphazard and the dialogue is banal.

This however isn't the part I hate the most about the film. What irks me is the use of stock footage. Literally every shocking and disturbing scene out of "Man from Deep River", "Mountain of the Cannibal God" and "Last Cannibal World" is recycled here. What's so humorous is Lenzi denies any stock footage was used on the DVD interview. What?! Is he fucking blind?! It's not like the distributors spliced in the footage without his knowledge, Lenzi filmed "Eaten Alive" specifically to splice in these scenes! If you've seen the afore mentioned films then you're going to have a serious case of déjà vu.

The cast however is good with plenty of actors Italian cult fanatics will recognize including Robert Kerman (who made a career of appearing in cannibal films including "Cannibal Holocaust" and "Cannibal Ferox"), the gorgeous Janet Agren ("City of the Living Dead") and what cannibal film wouldn't be complete without Me Me Lai, reunited with her "Man from Deep River" costar Ivan Rassimov as the sadistic cult leader. Thanks to all the stock footage they re-used her death scene from "Last Cannibal World". Cheap bastards! Hell even Mel Ferrer makes a quick appearance as a professor who specializes in cannibalism. Ironically he appeared in Tobe Hooper's American film with the same title 3 years prior to this. How many people can say that they appeared in two separate films entitled "Eaten Alive"? I guarantee you Mel Ferrer is the only one.

This may not be the worst Italian cannibal film, as there are a few that are far worse, but this is hardly a prime example. It lacks the good filmmaking qualities of Deodato's gruesome twosome and it lacks the fun adventure element of "Mountain of the Cannibal God". It even lacks good shock factor as 99% of it's shocking scenes are STOLEN from other films! Do yourself a favor, watch those other films instead. If you have the inkling to see a trashy cannibal flick with shocking gore then skip this one and go straight to Umberto Lenzi's "Cannibal Ferox." At least that film doesn't use stock footage!

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Man from Deep River - 2.5/5

"Man from Deep River" (also known as "Deep River Savages", "Sacrifice!" and "The Man from the Deep River) has the notorious reputation for kickstarting the whole brutal Italian cannibal subgenre. To be honest that's how I actually heard of the film. However if you are a fan of this questionable subgenre you better change your expectations. Even though it's directed by Umberto Lenzi, the man responsible for two of the most notorious films in the genre with "Eaten Alive!" and "Cannibal Ferox", this is a far cry from the extreme nature of those films as this is more of a survival drama film with cannibalism only being an element in the picture instead of being the main focus.

The plot is actually almost identical to the popular American western "A Man Called Horse" only substituting the western background with a jungle and changing the Native Americans to jungle tribes. So the film starts with a photo journalist visiting Bangkok with his girlfriend, who leaves his ass and he somehow kills a guy while drunk in the bar. On the run from the authorities he decides to hire a local to take him deep river so in order to take picture but it only serves him to get captured by a reclusive tribe and in turn forced to be a slave. The daughter of the tribes leader, who just happens to be smokin' hot, takes a liking to him and after proving himself to the tribe and their customs, he 'marries' the bitch and then knocks her up.

The film is the life and times of living in a jungle tribe and if you've seen "A Man Called Horse" then you know exactly how the plot will unfold as it really is identical. Because of this I actually found the film do drag a bit. Even though it has the reputation of being a "cannibal film", it is actually more of a slow moving drama. Think of "Dances with Wolves" extreme Italian exploitation style.

The whole story arc of our main character is extremely clunky and haphazardly strung together. The beginning of the film is horribly cut, to a laughable extent, as within 5 minutes of arriving in Bangkok his girlfriend leaves him and he ends up killing a guy in a bar. It's truly a "what the fuck" string of events that leads him to the jungle and just left me shaking my head.

For an Italian exploitation film the acting is acceptable but it is no where it needs to be in order to realistically portray the love between the man from the city and the tribal beauty. Ivan Rassimov, whom I knew from numerous Spaghetti Westerns, and Me Me Lai, who shows off her glorious nude body on numerous occasions, just seem wooden together.

Enough of that 'plot' stuff, you're wondering about the CANNABLISM. Don't worry my friends, it's coming. Apparently the rival of our main tribe is a ferocious cannibal tribe that lives further up the mountain. We get to see this cannibal tribe in full on bloody glory when they attack a female tribe member and Umberto Lenzi spares no carrnage as he full on shows this graphic attack. The scene, though extremely gruesome, proved popular enough for Lenzi to re-use as stock footage in his next cannibal-fest "Eaten Alive!"

Of course with these type of films 'cannibalism' isn't' the only exploitative element. Lenzi also loads up the film with tribal nudity and sex scenes. There is also a few instances of real life animal killings, an element the genre would be known for and also the one element I despise in these films.

Overall "Man from Deep River" is a survival drama with a serious douse of Italian exploitation and because of this it will fail to truly enthrall audiences. It's too dramatic and drab for fans of Italian extreme cinema and it's too exploitative and brutal for fans of survival dramas. Needless to say, for better or worse, it was a hit in the underground circle for it's one, pinnacle cannibalism scene and the setting and that one scene would go on to inspire a slew of imitators, all more bloody and extreme than the next so the grindhouse theaters would be flowing with gore for years to come.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Visitor, The (1979) - 1.5/5

In the realm of Italian cinema it is easy to say that 99% of that country's output is style over substance. Some films even sacrifice coherence for style.... but in all honesty that's part of the charm. Dario Argento's films didn't always follow a completely coherent plot, then again that mixed with amazing visual flair gave audiences an interesting thrill ride. Even though they lacked coherence one could still follow a basic plotline. Some Italian films however sacrificed all coherence for style making a film that doesn't make one iota of sense. One of the most famous of these metagrobolizing films is producer Ovidio G. Assonitis overblown "The Visitor."

The plot is... lets say... confounded. In the opening narration in which Jesus Christ (Franco Nero, looking embarrassed to be sporting a yellow wig) tells a class of students the history of God versus Satan... whoops, they pronounce the dark one's name as Sateen in this. Sateen apparently crash lands on Earth in a space craft and after having a war with God with birds, he decides to knock up some human women who bare children to carry on his evil. Yes... all this bullshit is just in the opening. After that we get introduced to our main characters. Lance Henrickson plays a millionaire, hired by a devil cult, to knock up some broad who already has a child who calls the devil daddy. The cult wants her to have another child in order for her daughter to have a mate (incest... ewwww!). In comes archangel John Huston, who mostly just walks around with a smirk on his face as he tries to "help the confusion" of our mother-to-be and her devil child. Confused yet?

Instead of creating a somewhat coherent story, director Giulio Paradisi is too busy setting up odd camera angles, pseudo religious symbolism and bizarre special effects that just serve to confuse the audience instead of enthralling them. It took me two sittings through this film to truly grasp what the fuck was going on.

To aid in the confusion there is a shit ton of nonsensical bullcrap going on here. We get a boring, extended basketball game sequence that ends with the ball exploding while a player is in mid dunk. We get our devil child getting a loaded pistol for a birthday present, in which she drops and it conveniently shoots her mother in the back (really... where the fuck did that scene come from?). We also get an extended ice skating sequence where our devil girl dances with some young guys then decides to throw them through store front windows.... all never touched upon again. Our director also likes to make long drawn out stair climbs and descents to be overly dramatic smothered in an overbearing score.

Not only is the plot full of allegorical mumbo jumbo but it also rips off "The Omen" and "Damien: Omen II" to a great extent. Devil Child: Check. Devil Cult: Check. Bird attack: Check. Unexplained deaths: Check. Mother who doesn't trust her child: Check. Child that puts mother in the hospital: check. Ovideo... you're such a master of ripping off much better films.

The cast is wonderful which is typical of Ovideo G. Assontis productions but again it is far too silly of a film to warrant such a great cast. John Huston and Shelly Winters return from their Ovideo "Jaws" rip-off team-up "Tentacles" two years earlier. We also get Mel Ferrer (a veteran of cheesy Italian films) and even Lance Henrickson, playing a role very similar to his role in "Damian: Omen II". Hey, if you're going to rip off a film why not get an actor from the film you're ripping off to basically play the same character? Makes perfect sense to me.

I'm all for stylistic filming but not when it overtakes the story and makes it completely incomprehensible. This is truly a disaster of a film that is a mess from beginning to end. So much so that I highly recommend cult fanatics to see it! (The Code Red DVD is wonderful) The original poster artwork is even confused as it portrays a giant Eyeball hovering over a city with monstrous hands holding a piano wire as if it were going to sneak up behind you and strangle you, hitman style. What the hell does that have to do with the movie?

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Contamination [Alien Contamination] (1980)

Director: Luigi Cozzi
Notable Cast: Ian McCulloch, Louise Marleau, Marino Mase

ARROW VIDEO SPECIAL FEATURES:

High Definition Blu-ray (1080p) and Standard Definition DVD presentation

Optional English SDH subtitles for the deaf and hard of hearing

Feature Commentary by filmmaker, Fangoria editor and Contamination super-fan Chris Alexander

Luigi Cozzi on the Creation of Contamination – an archive documentary hosted by the director and including behind-the-scenes footage

2014 Q&A with Cozzi and star Ian McCulloch

Sound of the Cyclops: Goblin’s Maurizio Guarini on the music of Contamination – the Goblin keyboardist discusses Contamination’s dark, progressive rock score and a lifetime of making music for Italian terror

Imitation Is The Sincerest Form of Flattery – A critical analysis of the Italian “Mockbusters” trend of filmmaking which sought to capitalize on the success of Hollywood blockbusters

Theatrical Trailer

Reversible sleeve featuring original and newly commissioned artwork by Gary Pullin

Collector’s booklet featuring new writing on the film by Chris Alexander, illustrated with original archive stills and posters

New Arrow Video Blu Ray Release Cover

After suffering through the retched Italian "Alien" rip-off "Alien 2: On Earth", I decided to revisit another retched Italian "Alien" rip-off with Luigi Cozzi's "Contamination". Why the hell would I want to do that? Wouldn't that be like eating a plate of shit and asking for seconds? Well the subtle difference between this and that asinine motion picture "Alien 2" is that this one actually manages to be entertaining in its sheer ineptitude as opposed to making the audience drowsy from boredom.

A still capture is the extent of her acting ability in this movie.

What we got here is an alien conspiracy to destroy all human life on Earth. A Brooklyn cop boards a drifting ship in New York's harbor (a scene very similar to the opening to Lucio Fulci's "Zombie") only to discover grisly corpses and thousands of pulsating green eggs. Before anyone makes a 'green ham' reference let me say up front that these are not eggs one wants to eat as they explode when ripe, covering people with some strange green goo which in turn makes the individuals chest and stomach explode and a barrage of blood and guts. Why do you ask? No other reason than because chests that burst out with blood and guts is EXTREME. These kiwis from hell are all somehow tied to a mars mission and a coffee plantation in South America where an Alien is mind controlling people to cultivate it's eggs and spread them for mass murder. Now it's up to an ugly female army colonel, a Brooklyn cop and an alcoholic ex-astronaut to save the world.... I guess that means we're all fucked.

Why in the holy hell would the United States only send three people, two not even military or scientists, to scope out this egg farm when they know damn well it could be the start of an apocalyptic wave of chest bursting? Wouldn't we want to send the entire armed forces along with scientists to... I don't know... save the possible demise of the human race? This is one of only many ridiculous plot aspects of this silly little film but they all only manage to add to the sheer hilarity of this unintentional laugh fest. My personal favorite is after landing in South America our Colonel has an assassination attempt on her with an egg yet they go on later in the day going to the coffee plantation posing as possible buyers when it's obvious the assholes already know who they are! And they wonder why they were captured so flippin' easy. All I have to say is if these are the best people we got to save the world then the human race deserves to die.

Director Luigi Cozzi (using his Americanized pseudonym Lewis Coates) was definitely inspired by "Alien" for this flick with the "egg" concept and even the "chest bursting" sequences but he also throws in a little "James Bond" type world domination plot device as well as a few nods to 50s B-science fiction films. Hell there is even a reference to an old "Star Trek" episode by having the Alien eggs be silicon based as opposed to carbon. What kills the film is the awful (yet hilarious) dialogue, insane plot holes and ultra cheezy effects. Cozzi does what he can to salvage the film from the silly effects with some clever editing tricks but only he is to blame for the awful dialogue... but it's wonderfully awful dialogue so I can't harp on him too much for that.

Giving your heart to the Cyclops. One explosion at a time.

Against Cozzi fashion the filmmakers casted a rather homely woman as our lead considering Cozzi is known for having gorgeous bombshells in his pictures (most notably the curvy Caroline Munro who ran around in a space bikini in "StarCrash"). Underrated British actor Ian McCulloch (whom Italian cult film fans may recognize from "Zombie" and "Zombie Holocaust") saves the picture as the alcoholic astronaut who doesn't like his manhood criticized.

Sure "Contamination" (released in the U.S. cut as "Alien Contamination") is bad but how could a conspiracy film with green eggs (pulsating to a hilarious sound effect), a mission to mars, a cyclops alien, gut bursting gore, an alcoholic astronaut, an exploding rat and another bad ass score from the rock group Goblin not be at least a little entertaining. For fans of bad yet entertaining Italian trash.... you have yourself a treasure trove with "Contamination."

Written By Eric Reifschneider

ARROW VIDEO BLU RAY RELEASE UPDATE

As you can tell from Eric's enthusiastic review of Contamination, the film tends to spark a lot of unintentional humor and opinions from its fan base. So it's not a huge surprise that it would be one of the films that cult cinema distribution label Arrow Video would want to endorse. The film is, generally speaking, quite terrible - but there is a lot to love in its cheesy, often mind boggling energy. The latest blu ray release of the film features that same kind of energetic dedication to the cause. The new high definition transfer is a stunner and the release is packed with a slew of special features that any Italian genre fan is going to want to check out. Sure Contamination might leave a lot to be desired when it comes to common sense, but if you're a fan of B-grade horror science fiction then it's common sense that you're going to want to dig into this release.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

So if an Italian film about pulsating eggs hatched by a conspiracy led by a cycloptic Martian sounds like your flavor of cinema, you can order your copy of the film at the link below. Courtesy of our friends at Arrow Video and MVD Entertainment!

Alien 2: On Earth - 1/5

In the realm of unofficial Italian sequels to American films there is what I consider the holy, or perhaps better described as unholy, trinity of 'sequels'. The first and most popular is of course "Troll 2" which in itself has become a huge cult favorite here in the States as of recent and desirably so as it is delightfully absurd. The second is Bruno Mattei's "Terminator II: Shocking Dark" which has yet to get a stateside release. The third is the 1980 film "Alien 2: On Earth", a so-called follow-up to Ridley Scott's groundbreaking film "Alien" and until recently was the most hard to come by of the three as it only got a VHS release in a handful of countries. Now thanks to Midnight Legacy we fans of cult cinema can finally get to see this obscure film which most cult fans knew about but few had actually seen. Well after finally seeing this hard to come by picture it's easy to see why it was so damn obscure and hard to get as it is fucking terrible, and not in the likable "Troll 2" fashion.

Despite its title the plot has nothing to do with Ridley Scott's "Alien." That masterpiece was a futuristic space film where this puddle of alien piss takes place in modern 1980 and thanks to our subtitle we know it takes place on Earth. The clunky, stock footage filled introduction tells us, very clumsily, that a space capsule is on its way back to earth. It seems to have carried an Alien rock with it which somehow falls into the hands of a group of cave explorers. The explorers bring the rock into a cave their exploring only to have the rock "hatch" unleashing a monster that starts killing them off one-by-one.

The narrative of the plot is appalling. It's sloppy and confusing and most audiences will be lost within the first 15 minutes on what the fuck is going on. The abundance of muddy looking stock footage and long drawn out boring sequences of characters walking, driving and pointlessly talking only serve to confuse and put the audience to sleep. The worst sequence has to be when our explorer group get prepped for their exploration by going bowling which just drags on and on and on.

To go along with the detestable plot narrative is a plethora of plot holes and aspects that are never explained. Where did the astronaut crew pick up the "alien" rocks. Why does our head cave explorer suddenly have psychic abilities (and why didn't she see the alien onslaught coming?). Why does the alien eat off people's faces only later to have their faces be intact? Why the hell did the director think this film deserved to hold the "Alien" title? Why the hell was this movie ever made?

To go along with the poor plot we get loathsome directing which is amateurish at best. I guess it matches the director's writing as director Ciro Ippolito, hiding under the pseudonym of Sam Cromwell, is guilty for both credits. The Alien itself is another point to bring up as it the special effects are shoddy and the alien is rarely shown. Most of the time we are given an Alien POV shot which looks like we're looking through the alien's asshole.

I am fan of bad Italian films and it pains me to say that "Alien 2: On Earth" is a complete waste of time. I can't think of one measly aspect to praise the film about as nothing, absolutely nothing is good about it. It's not even good by bad Italian movie standards. Everything from the score to the effects to the plot is downright atrocious. Atrocious, now that's good word to sum up this film. As a matter of fact they should have called this film "Atrocious". The films only novelty is its title and curious film goers like me are bound to pick it up but trust me when I say that this is the WORST "Alien" rip-off I have ever seen... and I've seen a lot. If you want a bad yet insanely entertaining Italian "Alien" rip-off then hunt down Luigi Cozzi's "Contamination". Now that's a bad film that was worthy of the title "Alien 2."

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Church, The - 3/5

Another film also known as "Demons 3"? How many more can there be? Well "The Church" began as "Demons 3" early in its development stage but when Lamberto Bava lost interest in doing the film, the script was retooled to be a stand alone movie for Dario Argento protégé Michele Soavi. Despite being a stand alone film, it did get released in some areas under its working title "Demons 3" and out of all three films to be known under that moniker, "The Church" is the best.

The film opens with an amazing sequence of religious knights riding into a small village of Satan worshipers. They slaughter the village, bury the dead in a huge pit and resurrect a huge gothic church on top of the site. Flash forward to the 1980's and we are introduced to an librarian hired to work in the church's archives. He and the restoration painter have a quick fling then he becomes interested in a dark room hidden in the back of the church where he unwittingly opens a gate to hell, triggering a defense mechanism sealing off the church to stop the spread of demonic possessions. In the middle of this we have a black priest and a the sacrison's daughter (played by Dario's daughter Asia Argento) trying to escape the hordes of possessed people trapped within.

Italian horror films tend to be "style over substance" and none fits this description more than The Church. Michele Soavi's style is mesmerizing proving Dario molded a great director. From a stylistic standpoint, "The Church" very well might be Soavi's most beautiful looking film. The film is thick with style and full of amazing camera work. His style is brought even more to life with another fantastic score by members of the cult Italian group Goblin.

What hurts the film is the convoluted plot flow. It took eight writers to tool the script and it shows as it is a mish-mash of ideas that borderlines on incoherency in some portions. An example is Asia Argento's character. In the beginning of the film we are shown her character back in medieval times. What's the connection to her in the present? It's never explained. The demonic possessions are also inconsistent. Sometimes the possessions seems to be spread through scratching people (like in Lamberto Bava's films) and other time people are just possessed randomly. The part that irks me the most is that the film consistently introduces characters that conveniently disappear. When the church's defense mechanism is triggered, it traps a group of young students within the church. Soon after they are never shown again. Where did they go? These are just a few examples of the hodge podge story.

Even with its plot inconsistencies, it still is a fun Italian horror film full of memorable images, amazing camerawork, and plenty of gore to appease fans. It's a little more sophisticated than Lamertos Bava's "Demons" films but it is still plenty of fun and is a definite must own for fans of Italian horror.

Written By Eric Reifschneider