Scorpion (1986) - 1/5

I originally bought "Scorpion" used from a mom and pop video store when I was in high school but the tape was unwatchable due to being wore out and damaged. After all these years and finally being able to sit down and watch the entire film I find it hard to believe that it was actually rented enough to be wore out. Perhaps it was an unlucky renter who wanted to ruin the tape on purpose in order to save unlucky future viewers from witnessing this monstrosity.

Well we get a special agent code named "Scorpion" who drives around Mexico in a Porche beating up jackasses in local bars. Well he finally gets an assignment to enter an airplane that has been taken over by middle eastern terrorists (he enters the plane in Jockey shorts no less... barf). Now he gets assigned to protect a middle eastern terrorist with vital information but his best buddy bits the big one so he takes it on himself to solve the plot blinded by vengeance.

The title character is played by nobody Tonny Tulleners who was advertised on the original VHS box art as a kickboxer who originally fought Chuck Norris professionally. Speaking of Chuck Norris, Tulleners tries extremely hard to mimic his former foe to no avail. He grows a big, manly 80s 'stach to be even more Norris-like. Sadly he lacks the charm, wit, martial arts ability and overall likability of his rival. Hell Tullener's voice is even annoying!

The whole film is filmed unskillfully in the hands of director William Riead. This guy directed a shit ton of made for TV film making documentaries throughout the decade with "Scorpion" being his first 'professional' film. Guess what? He gives "Scorpion" and extremely dull, made for TV documentary look. He can't even film a good martial arts sequences properly.

The original poster artwork with our hero jumping through a pane of glass made this look like an entertaining piece of 80s action cheese but it's an all out lie. The film is boring and drab in the hands of a documentary film director and Tonny Tulleners is completely uninteresting as an action hero. "Scorpion" proved to be his one and only foray into the action film world and I guarantee no one will shed a tear over the matter. Do yourself a favor... rent any Chuck Norris action film instead of this boring drek.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Warrior's Way, The - 2/5

Another cowboys and ninjas film? Oh hell, despite the idea running a bit thin lately, might as well catch a gander at this American version of the concept right? Unlike some of its peers though, "The Warrior's Way" is one of those films that loses itself in the swirling visual style and epic flare of its concept. I've used this phrase before (oh so many many times), but "The Warrior's Way" is all about style above substance. This is quite unsettling as the film held a lot of potential with its plot and characters, but most of it is forgotten in its Anime inspired romp through fairy tale land. Not quite what one expects with the high standards set by "Sukiyaki Western Django" and "The Good, The Bad, The Weird".

Yang (Dong-gun Jang) is the world's most badass assassin and swordsman. He moves with lightning speeds and cuts with the strength to decapitate a man in one fluid motion. In a weird twist of fate though, he fails to kill the baby girl of his rival clan and takes her into his care, betraying his own, and fleeing his land. He ends up in the wild west searching for an old friend and finds himself trying to start a new life in a town of circus folk. There he finds a young girl (Bosworth) who catches his eye and for a brief moment sees a future without death. Too bad both of them have pasts ready to kill them. These pasts are catching up. Now its up to Yang to decide who he really is and whether or not he can let the deeds done finally go.

I really, really, really want to love this movie. The plot has some much great potential. The character Yang might be a bit cliche (assassin with a heart tries to move on....how many times have we seen that one?), but Jang plays it subtly with tons of heart so it works to point. The plot combining the east and west motifs is an interesting one with two past riddled people who's worlds collide. This builds to a potentially great show down of bandits and ninjas at the end. This film could have had a lot going for it.

COULD HAVE.

It never gets there. It brushes through all the great moments at high speed turns, pushing through the character arcs and plot depth to get to the next cool sequence rather than letting it build and work the story and action together. In this sense, the action can be very cool. There are tons of fantastic shots here, although there is way too much CGI going on, with the sword play and stunning comic book settings and visuals. The film feels like a live action anime more often than not actually. The director loves to use slow motion a bit too much to add to the epic-ness of the fights (must have decided "300" was the be all end all of badass movies to be his inspiration), but it still creates some memorable looking concepts executed out. The final show down of ninjas and bandits does entertain I have to admit, but in the end "The Warrior's Way" comes out as a film so focused on this that it forgets it has a pretty good tale to tell. Thusly we are left nonchalant about our heroes and their plight as long as a lot of ass gets kicked. Which it does.

"The Warrior's Way" is disappointing in missing its mark. The potential for a great film is buried in the lavish CGI back drops and slow motion sword slashing. If only the focus would have been more refined for the actors, writing, and directing. This film could have not only kicked ass action wise, but had the depth to found its ridiculousness. As is, the film might find its cult audience with time, but fails to really impress at this time.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Fast & Furious - 3.5/5

Although the critical response to this fourth entry into "The Fast And The Furious" franchise was relatively negative, its hard not to have some enjoyment in this film. Is it rocket science? Not at all. It's not even as dramatic as the original one was in terms of legit film script foundations, but the film seemingly knows exactly what it is and plays it up. To this effect, this makes "Fast & Furious" the best of the series as it does make any pretensions of what it wants to be.

Dom (Diesel) has left his comrades in arms behind him. Letting go of his long time love Letty (Rodriguez) was the hardest, but the heat was on him and it was best to get them out of harm's way. When he hears word that Letty has been murdered by a drug runner in L.A., Dom takes it under his own guise to track down her killer and bring a bit of vengeance on their head. Turns out his old frenemy Brian (Walker) is also tracking down this drug runner. Now the two may have to put their differences aside to bring a bit of high speed justice down on the road.

Coming as a 'true' sequel to the original film (technically at least the first part of the film takes place before "Tokyo Drift") reuniting the main parts of the original cast, "Fast & Furious" does many things that the other sequels could not. It has a better chemistry with its cast, particular nod to Diesel for another subtle, basic, but rather intriguing performance who brings the charm, and partnering that with Justin Lin's visual flair and this film actually works better as the action film the series has always wanted to be. When the film rocks it, it certainly does that and the car chases and action sequences really work well. It's nice to see a film with the charm of the first that actually has great car stunts (thanks Justin Lin!). Although his use of CGI is a bit underwhelming in the end, with notes taken on the rather odd looking gas trailer roll in the opening hijack sequence and the cartoonish "Speed Racer" look of the tunnel chases, the adrenaline runs high and the action is pretty awesome. Do shotguns blow cars straight up into the air? Hell, they do here!

The series still lacks a bit of that dramatic tension it has desperately clawed for since film one. This time, it does the smart thing and minimizes the plot to a complicated grind house plot. Vengeance? Cops and drug runners? Let's go with it. It still fails to really build the emotional relevance that it touches on and it hurts the film overall. The tension between Walker and Diesel needed to be a bit thicker so the eventual man bonding would have paid off. As with all of the films, "Fast & Furious" doesn't quite make it on the emotional levels.

Despite its flaws (which there is still quite a few), "Fast & Furious" ignites a tank full of entertainment for the viewers. The car chases are fun and full fledge action sequences and there is a charm to its simplistic and borderline B-movie plot that works. There is still room for the franchise to grow (let's see how "Fast Five" plays out) but this one definitely marks it as a high point. Not great, but they are getting there.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Aliens (1986)

Director: James Cameron
Notable Cast: Sigourney Weaver, Carrie Henn, Micheal Biehn, Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton

How do you follow up the atmospheric/horror trip of science fiction greatness that is "Alien" for a sequel? Well for one don't do it like the Italians did it with "Alien 2". Turns out what worked was instead of trying to out do the original, take the concept and run with it in another direction. One that is different, bigger, and badder. That's how "Aliens" works and despite the greatness of the first film, this sequel matches it in how good it is, but in many new and different ways.

Ripley (Weaver) is finally rescued. Just a few decades too late. Her story is disregarded as over blown and the company that she once worked for, turns its back on her. When a colony built on the planet where her crew found the alien species suddenly loses contact with the company, she is called back as a consultant to go there with a group of hearty Marines to investigate. What they find on the planet is ten fold the terror she experienced on her ship and it might be up to her to finally find a way to end a potential universe ending spread of these serpentine monsters.

What a ballsy move to take this film in this direction. The sequel focuses down on the action and high octane tension that wasn't really touched on in the first film without losing the details and nuances that made it great. This is what makes "Aliens" a match to its predecessors. It's got amazing pacing with great character work (even more than the original had) and James Cameron snags the tension and overwhelming fear of these creatures (the Facehugger room scene with the kid for example) and smoothly blends it with action sequences and well built story elements. Cameron definitely nails it with this film and it comes off as one of his best works just for its ballsy moves that paid off.

What also helps with "Aliens" is the film's great cast. Weaver returning to the role and handedly embracing its growth lays a great foundation to build on its supporting cast. From Biehn as the heroic and grounded Hicks to Reiser as the smarmy company asshole, the supporting cast is effective and well built. Their chemistry sparks on screen and justifies the terror we feel for their survival and cause. This builds on Cameron's great story and vision nicely.

Then of course, we must mention our title foe one more time. This time the Alien is slightly different, more malicious and warrior like (rather than the stalking animal it was portrayed in the first one) ready to die for the cause of the nest. It matches the overall more aggressive tone of the film beautifully. It also expands the universe by adding in the massive destructive force of the Alien Queen which is a far-too-real built special effect and idea that takes the villain to all new levels. It also leads to a great finale that brings all of the new style to a head and yet still matches the original. It takes what made the Alien so unforgettable and makes it more aggressive. Aggressively unforgettable now.

"Aliens" may have taken the series in a whole new direction, but it succeeds in just as many ways to make it match the original swing for swing as a powerhouse genre film. It's far more action packed and aggressive in its tone and it makes it a film one will watch over and over again. Well done, Mr. Cameron.

Written By Matt Reifschneider

Three the Hard Way - 3/5

No, this is not a porno about a three way. The title is referring to three Blaxploitation heroes: Jim Brown, Fred Williamson and... cough cough... Jim Kelly. Hell that's enough stars for three Blaxploitation films! Well two good ones and... errrmmm... a Jim Kelly one. Well does having three Blaxploitation heavy weights... errmm.... two and Jim Kelly, mean this will have three times the entertainment value? Not quite but it's a hell-of-an entertaining Blaxploitation piece of cheese that's for sure.

Well we have some rich white bigots (typical of these genre films) who have an evil scheme up there sleeves... they want to release a disease into the water systems of three major cities that will only kill off the black population. Now it's up to three old friends (Brown, Williamson and... errrm... Kelly) to use their wits, firepower and biceps to crush these white bigots and save Brown's girl.

Director Gordon Parks Jr. broke out into the Blaxploitation genre with the hit "Super Fly" and he nails another home runner with "Three the Hard Way." He loads the film up with some great jive dialogue and kick ass senseless action scenes. In other words he makes this loads of fun. The most bizarre yet amusing sequences involves three dominatrixs hired by our three heroes to get a goon to talk and in turn end up killing him with a heart attack. God I loved that!

The cast is the main attraction here as one would expect. Jim Brown and Fred Williamson play their typical blaxploitation hero types: Brown as the strong, silent type and Williamson as the mouthy, cocky smartass. Even Jim Kelly is far more stomachable than in his other outings in the genre, most notably the bloated "Black Belt Jones" and it's despicable sequel "Hot Potato". The acting is below par but no-one ever accused these guys for being good actors.

The plot is definitely out there.... I mean rich white bigots trying to kill off the world's population of blacks with a disease is pretty controversial and would never fly in today's cinema. This is the early seventies and it's all in good Blaxploitation fun so don't take the plot to heart.

The cast is a Blaxploitation fans dream come true and it's a damn shame Brown and Williamson didn't do very many movies together (Forget about Kelly). Sure the acting can be deplorable at times but these are cult, genre films and in this case the bad acting adds to the charm of the film. This may not be Blaxploitation at its most respectable but it sure is one of the most entertaining. You can't tell me a film with martial arts, gun play, tough guy posturing, afros, a comic book tone and a plague killing plot can't be somewhat fun. For mindless entertainment "Three the Hard Way" is worth the price of admission.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Delta Force Commando - 1/5

Look at that title! This is the unholy amalgamation of Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Commando" and Chuck Norris' "The Delta Force". What does that mean? Well it means this is going to be the action event of the decade! What.. hold on... I'm getting myself too amped up. Let's just take a look at the credits real quick. Pierluigi Ciriaci is credited as director... the same guy who directed such 'well-known' films as "Warbus II". It stars Brett Baxster Clark of such films as "Eye of the Eagle" and "Cobra Mission 2". Fuck... this is a late 80s Macaroni Combat film. Damn... I guess this means it's going to suck.

Some terrorists break into an American military base to steal a nuclear bomb and kill Brett Baxter Clark's pregnant wife (why are soldier family quarters located so close to where nuclear missiles are stored is beyond me) . He heads out for revenge by kidnapping pilot Fred Williamson to fly him into enemy territory and then fires lots and lots of bullets in the name of honor and revenge.

Being a late 80s Italian Macaroni Combat film we can expect the usual: bad acting, bad plot, bad stunts, bad dialogue, bad directing... yea everything is plain and simple BAD. Fuck this film is even loaded with lots of mistakes and continuity errors. If I didn't feel I would have to drink to make it through this mess again one might find it fun to go through and play 'spot the mistake.'

Besides Bret what's-his-name, two other cult icons make up the cast. That of course is Fred Williamson as the pilot and Bo Svenson as the leader of the Delta Force. Williamson does minimal... even his ego feeding persona fails to shine through here. Svenson is typically wasted. Oh, I forgot to mention this also stars Mark fucking Gregory, the non-actor from such classics as "1990: The Bronx Warriors", "Thunder Warrior" and of course "Warbus II", as the terrorist leader. Thank the Italian war gods that the filmmakers made his character mostly mute to save our eardrums from his deplorable mumbling.

My real beef with the plot is the Delta Force aspect which is completely pointless. Our Delta Force shows up for a short time at the beginning of the film but Svenson is told they can't move in. They then don't enter the plot until the very end to help rescue our heroes. Why the fuck even have the Delta Force in the film if they aren't going to utilize them?

This is atrocious but one should expect this as all late 80s Italian Macaroni Combat films suck. Somehow this film did well enough to warrant a sequel as "Delta Force Commando II: Priority Red One" followed two years later. A sequel shouldn't surprise me as both "Cobra Mission" and "Warbus" also somehow managed to inspire sequels so anything can happen in the 'wonderful' world of late 80s Macaroni Combat.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Unstoppable (2010) - 2/5

With the 1985 film "Runaway Train" being one of my all time favorite films I took notice of the new Denzel Washington thriller "Unstoppable" as from the trailer it 'borrowed' many ideas from that award winning and criminally underrated gem. Curiosity on how much plot this film stole and for the fact my wife lives and breathes Denzel Washington got me to actually sit down and watch this typically pretentious, over produced Tony Scott film when normally I wouldn't even give it second glance. Well I can be honestly say it met my lowered expectations.

Well the plot is simple enough as we have an aging train engineer training a cocky rookie when their day becomes more exciting when an idiot loses control of a train and they have to run the bastard down and stop it before it rolls taking a tight and rolls exploding thousands of gallons of lethal chemicals.

Typical with Tony Scott films he makes any profession seem like it is the most pivotal and important job on the plant. It worked in "Crimson Tide" as a commander of a nuclear submarine IS one of the most stressful jobs on the planet. A train engineer.... not so much. Thanks to Tony Scott he makes it seem that being a train engineer is fucking rocket science. Now many people are going "what the fuck to you know, you're not a train engineer." Well I do know people that are train engineers and they say it's one of the most laid back, easy going jobs you can imagine. Thanks to Tony Scott he can now convince people that that you need to a NASA certified scientist to handle the stress. I would hate to see a Tony Scott film about being a busboy... fuck I would have no self esteem to think I could make it working in the adult world.

Denzel Washington has always been a fantastic actor and I respect him for that but as of late he has been teaming up with Tony Scott far too much and in turn playing the same damn characters over, and over again. Since Denzel is getting up there in age the filmmakers decide to throw in a young 'sidekick' in the form of nu-Kirk... errr.... I mean Chris Pine. Pine plays the typical arrogant fuck-up who has a problem with spying on his family and needs to redeem himself thus gaining his family back. Oh... this also stars Ethan Suplee in a supporting role. Considering he usually plays dumbasses, guess what role he plays? Yea the dumbass that loses control of the train. Type casting anyone? The rest of the charcters are all typical cliche crap including the red neck, the career driven woman and the overbearing boss who won't listen to suggestions.

Like expected the film does 'borrow' a few elements from "Runaway Train." Of course the basic plot of a train going amok but also a scene where authorities attempt to land someone on the train from helicopter that predictably turns bad when he takes a dive into a windshield. Oh the sharp curve... yea that's also stolen. Mix all that with Tony Scott's over-direction, flash editing, crass dialogue and forced drama and you have the typical Hollywood disaster puke for the post-MTV generation.

Unlike "Runaway Train", "Unstoppable" lacks soul and artistic merit. It's nothing more than an overproduced, pretentious Hollywood sludge from the Tony Scott film factory that is really nothing more than a highly glossed TV movie with a strong leading man. Denzel Washington fans are the only ones to board this train as it is destined for derailment around the bend.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Electra One - 3/5

"Electra One" (sometimes spelled "Electra 1" and also known as "With Death on Your Back") is one of the most rare films I've reviewed here on Blood Brothers. Why? Well it's because this insanely obscure 1967 Euro Spy film only got a very limited VHS release in a small number of countries and the DVD release here in America is part of a very limited DVD set (limited to 250 units) called "How Europe Does Babes, Bombs and Guns" and is packaged alongside the "Agent 077" trilogy. Yes... only 250 DVDs of this is in existence in the world so this is one fucking rare film. Well rare films are usually rare for a reason as they fall into the bracket of "not very fucking good and deserves to be forgotten." Is "Electra One" one of these such films? Well I can honestly say NO.

Some terrorists are up to no good in the swinging 60s as they have developed a gas that can make anyone do what they wish, like have a high ranking military commander go bonkers and push a button to launch missiles. America and Russia not surprisingly flip out over this new gas and the two countries join together in order to develop a cure and to capture the terrorists involved. In comes George Martin to throw a kink into the system as he is a master jewel thief that steals a brief case containing the antidote (stated early on in the film that it is the only vile as there was no time to make more... dumbasses). He sells it for cash but then gets involved in a multi-national scheme and now he has to clear his name and do the good dead of saving the world.

Unlike other Euro Spy films I have seen which are mostly Italian made, this little hidden gem is actually a Spanish Euro Spy film despite starring George Martin, an actor mostly known for his Italian pictures in the Spaghetti Western genre. Martin is loveable in the role as the James Bond-esque jewel thief as he portrays the character with a likeable cockiness and charm. I will say it is interesting making the main character a thief as opposed to a secret agent like most of these European knock-off films do.

Director Alfonso Balcázar loads the film up with plenty of action and humor. We get gun fights, foot chases, airplane chases and one hell-of-a car chase. The airplane chase towards the end also is highly reminiscent of the helicopter chase at the climax of the fantastic James Bond picture "From Russia with Love." His humor is also well placed without overbearing the story. My personal favorite humor touches include the banter between the United States and Russian secret services which include playful ways to kill each other.

The plot can get a little silly at times especially as its main plot surrounds a gas that, according to a character, makes people "do actions they normally wouldn't do." What?! At the beginning of the film they wanted to use the gas to cause a military commander to hit a button to launch some missiles and he almost succeeds. How the fuck did they know the gas would make him do that exact action? Can they fine tune the gas to make people do whatever action they want, like make a person take a dump in the middle of the floor? This is a ridiculous plot device but I'll role with it for a fun loving 60s spy romp.

For a low budget Euro Spy film I found this insanely entertaining. Great.. hell no but a lot of fun. It's got enough action, humor and eye candy to keep any fan of 60s Euro Spy entertained. As good as a James Bond film from the era? Well no but one shouldn't expect it to be. For what it is "Electra One" is sure to entertain.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Tuareg: The Desert Warrior - 2.5/5

Enzo G. Castellari, known for his amazing Italian action films in the 70s, was really struggling when the 80s came calling directing a laughable "Jaws" rip-off with "The Last Shark" and a number of frivolous yet insanely entertaining dystopian future flicks with the likes of "The New Barbarians", "1990: The Bronx Warriors" and its sequel "Escape from the Bronx." To be honest Enzo had become a full fledged B-movie filmmaker regulated to making cinematic sludge... entertaining sludge but still sludge none-the-less. It was time to redeem his name so in 1984 he decided to adapt the novel "Tuareg" into a serious, well-meaning film so he can once again be taken seriously as a filmmaker. So did he succeed at redeeming his career? Well considering this film is relatively forgotten in his filmography I would have to say a big fat NO.

Mark Harmon plays the title character, with Tuareg meaning "Desert Warrior" (as you couldn't tell from the subtitle). Two dehydrated men wander into his camp where Harmon and his clan aid them back to health but not long after their arrival soldiers show up to truck them off as apparently they are wanted for murder. Harmon doesn't take kindly to this as you see, apparently due to his cultural beliefs, guests cannot be forced out of their host's home so he risks his neck to rescue these two guys and lots of people die as a result.

What the fuck is up with this plot? This desert warrior risking his life, as well as his families, because soldiers come in and truck off two drifters they took in that are wanted for murder. They are wanted for murder... let them lock them up for Christ sake! Cultural differences my ass... what the fuck is this guy thinking? I'm sorry but I have a hard time rooting for a guy that's risking his life and his families to rescue two guys, strangers no less, that are wanted for murder.

Castellari gives the film his wonderful style and makes it a mish mash of "Lawrence of Arabia" and "Rambo".... just far too much "Lawrence" and not enough "Rambo". Enzo is foremost an action director and "Taurag" does have a few good action scenes but they are too few and too far between with most of the film being filled with rather pointless dialogue. To be honest I lost interest a number of times during the running time of the film... and that NEVER happens when I watch a Castellari film even when his pictures are at their worst.

I do have to say that Mark Harmon, having a resurgence of fame with his leading role in the television series NCIS, is sorely miscast in the lead. He does have the piercing blue eyes that Castellari adores but he just doesn't pull off an Egyptian warrior well. He gets all tan and beefed up for the role (complete with plenty of eyeliner) but my real problem is his delivery of the dialogue. He dubbed his own voice but he gives a dead pan delivery with no attempt to hide his American styled voice resulting in his performance appearing rather half assed, like he just really didn't a shit. If he put more effort into his dubbing his performance would have been magnified ten fold. To be honest this role was tailored for Franco Nero, a frequent collaborator with Enzo G. Castellari. Where is Nero when you need him?

From a technical standpoint this is Enzo's best film of the 80s.... just far from his most entertaining. He tries exceptionally hard to make a serious film with a wonderful style and cinematography but Harmon's performance, lack of action, and a plot that I can't get behind the hero for makes this a rather dull affair from the master of Italian action. This is why it hasn't received a proper DVD release and has fallen into public domain hell regulating it forever to subpar DVD treatments. It's not good enough to be respected by cult Italian film fanatics and it's not bad enough to have the immense entertainment value trash fanatics crave. It's just middle of the road and really won't appeal to anyone unless they are hardcore Enzo fans (like myself). Enzo will always be my favorite Italian film director but I will be honest when I say "Tuareg" is really one of the most uninteresting films in his entire filmography.

Written By Eric Reifschneider

Special Mission Lady Chaplin - 3.5/5

The name is Malloy, Dick Malloy - Agent 077

Much like the third James Bond film "Goldfinger" perfected the Bond formula, the third Dick Malloy film "Special Mission Lady Chaplin" perfected the Bond knock-off formula. Seriously this is the most fun, action packed and entertaining of Italy's Agent 077 trilogy and defined what an Italian Bond clone film should be like.... which is a Bond film, what else?

The plot is typical Bond-esque espionage material with a sunken nuclear submarine somehow moving locations. In comes in secret agent 077 (damn that number makes me crack up every time... seriously could they reference the franchise they were ripping off any more obviously?) who discovers that the nuclear missile cargo as been stolen. Now 077 must track down a beautiful and lethal assassin known as Lady Chaplin to "charm" her into revealing her knowledge about the whereabouts of the missiles. Like Bond, the charming comes naturally.

Like a good Bond clone we get all the necessary staples. Car and foot chases: check. Bodacious European babes: check. A world domination plot: check. Gadgets: check (including a ejector seat car mimicking Bond's car in "Goldfinger" and a pocket air breather mimicking Bond's in "Thunderball"). A catchy title song: check. A heroic spy that's a wonder with women with a Conery-esque hairy chest: check. The only thing this film is missing (that the previous two 077 films "Mission Bloody Mary" and "From the Orient with Fury" got right) is a swinging 60s title sequence... seriously what the fuck? How could they miss out on that fact?

Collaborating director Alberto De Martino helps director Sergio Grieco brings some new life into the franchise (is "franchise" a proper term for an Italian knock-off trilogy?) with tight action sequences and an intriguing, though a little corny, espionage plot. Ken Clark is still very fitting into his spy role and Daniela Bianchi keeps your eyes glued to the screen with her beauty and lethality as our assassin. Does her name look familiar to you? Well if you're a Bond fan then it should as she played the leading lady in "From Russia With Love." Shit our filmmakers weren't content on copying the Bond formula they decided to steal some of that franchises leading actors as well! That's fine by me as Bianchi gets this reviewers mojo running any day.

Typical with Italian films the dubbing is a little off and some of the dialogue is hilariously translated. My personal favorite is when they find the location to the missiles, agent 077's boss (equivalent to M in the Bond franchise) tells him "that's the way the cookie crumbles" when no reinforcements will be able to back him up. Our "Bond" hero also isn't as "smart" as 007 per say as he was even oblivious that nuclear missiles don't detonate when a fire breaks out. Fuck even I knew that nuclear missiles were designed to survive a crash... and I'm not even to be educated to be a secret agent (you can thank John Woo's "Broken Arrow" for teaching me that little fact :-} ).

Some of the story elements are also a little silly and convenient for the plot. Lady Chaplin smuggles in rocket fuel for the missiles by soaking it into the fabric of some dresses which of course makes one unfortunate model hilariously explode into a ball of flame. Also our main villain conveniently keeps fucking scorpions in his missile bay so they can aid 077 in his mission. Really who the fuck keeps scorpions in their missile bay?

Other than those few hilarious plot quibbles I have to say this Bond knock-off is almost as entertaining as an actual Bond film. Like the previous two films it utilizes is low budget well by making the most of it's authentic European locations. Mix that with all the other essential Bond ingredients and you're guaranteed a fun espionage romp and a must for fans of the Italian 'Euro Spy' genre.

Note: Like the previous 077 films the Dorado DVD release has the picture ratio screwed up making the image annoying elongated so all our characters look 6.5' tall. Again, I keep my fingers crossed, I hope Dorado films fixes this defect on future releases so we all can truly enjoy this trilogy the way it was meant to be seen.

Dick Malloy will return in... damnit, this was the last 077 film! Shit... just when they perfected the formula.